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Last weekend Olivia told us she no longer wanted "toy pets" and that she wanted the real thing..."a real doggy". She's brought it up in the past, but we've always been able to have the "one day we'll have a dog" talk. This time she wasn't having it. Very persistent, almost demanding- she made her case as to why she needed to have a "real doggy".  Don has also been wanting a dog. Not that I don't, but life has been crazy and I swore up and down that we wouldn't get a dog until we got a fence.

I put Olivia to bed that night telling her that we would think about it while hoping she would forget about it. My hope was short lived. The next morning she woke up begging for me to take her to the store for her "white fluffy doggy". Over a bowl of cereal I tried explaining to her how much doggies cost and how much work they are. I told her that maybe she could ask for a doggie for her next birthday (again hoping that would buy me another 6 months). That's when Olivia took her case to a whole new level....

Olivia- "I want a real live doggy. I don't have anything live."

Me- "Do you want a fish?"

Olivia- "No. I want a dog."

Me- "Uncle Pete said you can play with Vincent anytime you want. Maybe we can have a sleepover with Vincent (my brother's dog)"

Olivia- "No. That's Gracie's doggy. You can't take other kids dogs. I want my own. Gracie has a dog and a brother. I don't have anything."

Oooooooooo....deep breath, deep breath, deep breath...

I knew where this conversation was going and it's a conversation I'm not strong enough to have at the moment. She's mentioned in the past that her dolls are her sisters and I've managed to quickly change the subject. Don would be much better at having this conversation with. As soon as she finished her sentence I welled up...and just like that, I was online looking for dogs.

I can't give my kid a sibling- at least not at the moment. I know she's happy and I know we are great parents, but I wonder if she feels she's missing a companion. I wonder if there is a part of her that wishes she had something of her own.

I told my brother and sister about the conversation and they were both insistent that I get this kid a dog. Before I knew it the both of them were searching for "white" dogs.

All week I went back and forth. Do I, don't I, do I, don't I. Don was 100% on board, but I still needed to be convinced. I talked to my Mom who told me she thought I should focus on my health, but she said, "I know you'll get the dog because you're always trying to create this perfect dream world for Olivia. She wants a dog- I know you'll get her one." I hung up the phone and sat there thinking...and thinking...and thinking...




Please meet, Lulu Cummings.





All week I stressed about whether or not to get this dog, but after seeing how happy this little pup has made my Olivia- I know we made the right decision. For the time being this little dog is filling whatever void my child feels she has and for that, it is worth every penny and ounce of hard work.

  



Lulu is an American Eskimo. When I was researching the breed one website said, "Eskimo's just want to be a part of the family." Well Lulu, you're in the right home because we've been looking to add to our family. Welcome home, Lulu.

Here's to a new year, new beginning...

Happy New Year!

A lot can happen in 12 months. A year goes by much faster in your adult years then when you were a kid. All I wanted when I was a kid was for time to speed up so I could make it to the next milestone. Now I all I want is for time to slow down. It's funny how things change once you become an adult.

This past year is a year I would like to forget, yet it's going to follow me into the new year which is unfortunate. I sat here today thinking how upsetting this past year has been. Not just in my own life, but in the lives of my loved ones as well.

I swore this past year was going to be my year. Instead it's been nothing but a royal pain in my ass. It's been 6 months of dealing with health issues that have yet to be diagnosed. I've put all fertility treatments on hold until the doctors figure out what's going on. The good news is that I switched all of my doctors and I feel confident I'm with the right group. Testing is underway and I'm anxious more than ever to get some answers so I can move on with my life. My new goal for the next IVF round is March, my birthday. I don't feel good about getting a diagnosis by then, but I have to think positive. In the meantime I sit here watching Olivia get older and older and it's killing me inside that she has yet to have a sibling. I never wanted such a large age gap between children, but then again when do I ever get a say?? Patience is something I've been working on, but I'm running on fumes as of lately.

The holidays were a struggle this year, but I made the best of it and enjoyed as much as I could. This was the first year that Olivia actually grasped who Santa Claus is. Watching your child's eyes light up with amazement from the magic you've created is worth every ounce of effort (and penny). Her innocence is something I am trying to preserve for as long as I possibly can. I told her the other night that I want fly to Neverland with her so she never gets big. She put her hands on her hips and refused my one way ticket saying, "Mom! I have to get big!!" Ok, ok...technically she's right. The inevitable is going to happen, but I'm loving the moments of playing make belief with her. Before I know it she'll be walking herself up to bed and won't need me to kiss her goodnight. I refuse to believe that that's just around the corner! Everyone always tells me to take in every moment. That it goes fast. At first I would laugh it off, but it's 100% true. This thing called "life" goes way too fast and before I know it my baby will be all grown up.

I was talking to my friend last week about having more kids. She was saying that she always wanted a 3rd, but now that her other two kids are getting older, she can't imagine starting all over. I know what she means. Olivia's getting older which means I'm getting older. You adjust to children growing up and you appreciate sleeping through the night, no more diapers, the ease of leaving the house without having to time feedings and naps. In my opinion, it gets easier as they get older. It makes me a little nervous thinking this way. I've always wanted a second, but after talking to more and more people who have declare the end of their baby days- it's hard not to wonder if I should make the same declaration. Do I want a big gap between my kids? How much older am I willing to get before I call it quits? Do I want to start all over even though Olivia is a piece of cake?? It's a hard call. I've flip flopped a million times. My heart wants more kids while my head is saying- whoa nelly!

My sister-in-law came for a visit yesterday with my nephew, Ian. He's so snuggly and such a happy baby. He's at the age where a simple game of peek-a-boo is the funniest thing in the world. Before he came over I wasn't feeling great. When I get these episodes my body starts burning and my face gets all flushed. My joints feel stiff and dizziness kicks in. It's a joy let me tell you. I was a little nervous about having company, but once I held that baby I forgot about how crappy I had been feeling that day. I watch how happy Meghan is with her new little man and it quickly brought me back to when my Olivia was that age. I watched Ian sleeping on his Momma and at that moment I was reassured that my baby days aren't over. I long to have that moment once again.

Even though I said 2015 was going to be my year- I pray to God that 2016 will make my dream come true.

Happy 2016 to all. Here's to a new year and new beginning.

Sometimes time gets away from you...

Life has been busy...that's my only excuse from taking a break from blogging. Between Olivia starting preschool, to work schedules, family functions and life in general...things have been crazy...but I'm back! Miss me??

Good things have been going on along with some not so good things, but we've been rolling with the punches and always thankful for a new day. 

September 26 we welcomed our handsome nephew, Ian to our family. He is happy and healthy and I can't wait to watch him grow! He was a missing puzzle piece to our family and we are beyond thankful for this little guy...

Handsome boy!

The Walk of Hope was fantastic. We raised a bunch of money and walked with some of our loved ones to show support to those who suffer with Infertility. Thank you to all those who participated and donated! Your support never goes unnoticed. 

Our miracle. Isn't she just perfect?

 Showing love to our angels...always with us.

In October we took a much needed family vacation to our most favorite place on earth, Disney World! I've always been a huge fan of Disney, but even more so now that I'm a mom. Experiencing "Disney Magic" through your child's eyes is priceless- worth every penny! Plus it was great to get away and escape reality for a bit. 

Halloween was so much fun. This was the first year Olivia picked her own costume (not gonna lie, it hurt a bit that I couldn't pick it for her). She wasn't a fan of her school Halloween parade, but she loved dressing up and trick-or-treating with her cousins. Weather bit us in the butt yet again, but kids from the Midwest are tough and total troopers. I was proud of our little people...

A couple weeks ago I took Olivia to the park and brought my camera with (I know, shocking, right?). It was just the two of us...laughing, playing, getting dirty. I snapped pictures of her goofing off and well, just being a kid. When I got home later I looked at the pictures and couldn't help but notice how big she's gotten over the past few months. People always say you forget how little they are, but I don't agree. I haven't forgotten. Maybe that's because I scroll through the 3000+ pictures I have on my phone on a daily basis, or maybe it's because I'm holding on so tight to her baby years because I'm no where near being ready for her to grow up and get big. Regardless, it's happening. She's getting big and the baby in her is slowly fading and all I can do is sit back and capture every single moment of this kids life. Gulp. As mature as I try to be, I feel like throwing a crying fit every time I pack away the clothes she's grown out of. My God, time goes by way too fast. 

Fast forward to today- and here we are. And I know what you're wondering...I mean, that is the point of my blog anyway, right? 

I mentioned in past blogs that I've been having some health issues. It's been since June and I have yet to be diagnosed with anything. I just recently changed all of my doctors and hope to have better luck. My next appointment is with a Rheumatologist in a couple of weeks. I'm not hopeful that he'll be able to help, but I'm rolling with the punches and doing as I'm told. 

With that said, the next IVF round has yet to be scheduled, but my HOPE and plan is to do another round in February- which means I'll have to make the call right after Christmas. I've gone back and forth in my head as to whether or not I should move forward, but I still have no answers and it's been 5 months! I'm not getting any younger, I want another baby and I promised this kid a sibling! So as of today, the plan is February. Deep breath...

Say a little prayer that we get some answers and I start feeling better. 2015 was suppose to be my year (at least that's what I told myself on New Years Eve). I just want to feel better and move on with my life. Is that too much to ask?

Before I sign off for tonight I wanted to share one more picture....

My family. Not complete, but perfect nonetheless. I mean, look at that kid. She takes my breath away. 

Oops! One more...

Perfection. 

There. I'm done now. Goodnight friends. 

Walk of Hope

Hello! Hello!

Feel free to join us at the Walk of Hope this Sunday! Below is our team link.

http://familybuilding.resolve.org/site/TR/WalkofHope2016/WalkofHope?px=2079023&pg=personal&fr_id=1310

Hope to see you there!

So what's the status?

I've been getting these questions a lot lately from people who follow my blog...what's going on? How's the fertility situation going? When is your next IVF round?

I wish I could answer the question, but unfortunately IVF is still on hold :(

Life has been crazy and I've been dealing with medical issues since June 14...not that I'm keeping track or anything. I've met with all sorts of doctors and unfortunately still searching for a diagnosis. I am frustrated beyond belief as I feel my own life has been put on hold.

The clock is ticking for Baby #2- I hear it tick in my head all day every day. As much as I want (and sometimes do) say it's not fair, I try my best to keep focus on my Olivia. Dr. Binor has always said that he thought something internally was going on with my body that wouldn't allow me to carry another child. After two years of him saying this, I know he was right.

Since early June I've had dozens and dozens of symptoms that tend to completely change after so many weeks. I've been dizzy, nauseous, fatigued, hot, cold, jittery, swollen, flushed, burning- and the list goes on. Once I think I've figured out triggers, the next day offers something different. As of right now I know it's positional, sensitive to hot/cold, caffeine and stress. So far I've met with Neurologists, Cardiologists, Electrophysiologist and an Endocrinologist. They've ruled out Lupus, MS, Carcinoid Syndrome, Adrenal failure, Brain tumor/swelling/aneurysm.

Next appointment is with an Immunologist to test for Mast Cell Activation. I've been doing my research and though I have some symptoms, I'm not confident that this is the answer. Perhaps I'm just being a negative nelly, but something tells me that the journey to getting a diagnosis is far out of reach at this point. The light at the end of the tunnel feels non existent.

Until I get a diagnosis- I will have to put IVF to the side. Definitely not what I want, but it's what's needed.

Thanks to those who have thought of me and checked in. The support means so much.

Cross your fingers and say a little prayer that I'll get some answers next week...eek!

Never forget, always remember

September 11th.

September 11th is a day that every American gives a moment of silence, remembrance and gratitude. It's a day we all stop for a moment and thank God for the life we have been given. It's a day we are truly grateful for second chances. September 11th is a day that everyone is kind to one another and values their simple life. September 11th is the day out of the year that hatred no longer exists. It's a quiet day. Heartache is inevitable but it is also a day that brings peace, hope, wonder and silence. September 11th was by far the ugliest day that has ever existed on American soil, but it has brought strength and unity to a country that sometimes takes all that for granted. Our September 11 angels will never be forgotten as they have left all of us Americans the truest definition of love, life, strength and courage.

Don't let September 11th be the only day out of the year to be truly grateful for the little moments. I challenge all to be a little kinder to the every day stranger. Smile and say good morning to the person walking beside you. Thank a service member for the sacrifice they make for YOU. Buy a coffee for a total stranger. Compliment your loved one. Thank a friend for always listening. Enjoy the ability to take a walk...to come and go as you please.

Your life may not be perfect. Times may be tough. Health could be stronger. You might be a few dollars short this month. You might have hopes and dreams that seem out of reach. Your heart might be broken. Your faith may be shaken. Regardless of what you're going through, you're still standing. You've been blessed with another day to live freely and breathe the deepest of breaths.

There are simple gestures we can all do to make our world a little kinder. Thousands of Americans were robbed of their lives and we owe it to them to be thankful and grateful on all days, not just September 11th. September 11th is a day for remembrance. All other days are simply a gift. We are not owed tomorrow and next year is never a guarantee.

September 11th, never forget, always remember.

Dear Olivia...

Dear Olivia,

Today is your first day of 3 year old Preschool. Who said you could get so big???

Mommy and Daddy just dropped you off at your new big girl school. You took the hand of a teacher and walked into the school with your head up. Not a single tear. As for your parents...neither of us left with a dry eye. Me personally, my heart hurts.  I've been preparing myself for a year now that this day would be coming, but not once did I ever imagine that it would get here so fast.

It feels like just yesterday I was standing in line at the grocery store trying to calm you as you were crying your little head off. Trying to balance a cart full or groceries and a hysterically hungry two month old made me feel like a stunt devil trying to accomplish the impossible. It was just then that the lady in front of us looked at me with a little chuckle and said, "It gets easier and it goes by in a flash. Take it in." I'll never forget those words. As hard as it was that day in the grocery store I remember thinking, "well I hope it doesn't go too fast..."

And here we are, 3 years later. Growing up I always measured a year by how many more months it would take for another birthday of my own. We all know your Mom loves a good birthday party. And though I take pride in throwing your little birthday parties, it pains me to see another year in the books. If time could just slow down a smidge...that's my biggest wish these days.

It's no secret, your Dad and I worked real hard to get you. We prayed, struggled, and cried many a night until the day you were born. You were and are worth every ounce of pain we ever endured. You define the meaning of life. Having you as our child has brought so much joy into our lives. We are grateful for you. We have made it a point to take in every single memory we have created for you. We try going above and beyond so you know how special you are. I hope you know how much you are loved.

This past winter I researched the best of the best schools for our little Olivia. I looked up reviews, I heard recommendations and I spoke with schools and had them tell me why they were "the best". I interviewed them, they didn't interview me. I thought long and hard about what school you would go to. This was a big deal for us because you've never spent a day in daycare and have never spent a moment without a family member looking after you, keeping you safe.

Your Dad and I went to the orientation of your new big girl school and immediately fell in love. Walking in we had our guard up. We needed to feel comfortable with our decision and leaving that day we had no doubt that you would be safe and happy. We both said that we had to make the most of the coming months. We needed to keep you little for as long as we could.

Last night was hard for me (your Dad has been crying for days). I prayed that you would love school and that they would teach you great things while keeping you safe. The thought of dropping off my 3 year old didn't sit well with me. I kept toying with the idea of perhaps waiting another year- or how about home school!? But no, this is what's best for you. This is your time to fly.

Olivia...I hope you love it. I hope you love the school we picked for you. I hope you love your teacher and all of the friends you are about to meet. You're shy just like your Mama. I hope you come out of your little shell and show the world how special you are. I hope you dream the biggest dream. There is no impossible for you, the possibilities are endless. I hope you love to learn. I hope you learn to tackle any challenge that comes your way. From the day you were born we have always wanted the best for you. I hope you want the best for yourself too.

You are going to do great. I can't wait to see what the future holds for you. I am constantly talking about you and bragging to family and friends. I'll do this for the rest of my life because you make me so proud. Your kindness shines through your face. I bet you're going to come home today with a dozen friends. Who wouldn't want to be friends with my Olivia!?

As for us (Mommy and Daddy)- we'll be ok. No matter how big you are, no matter how old you are, you will always be our baby. Just promise you won't get too big too fast. It will still be cool watching Frozen and Mickey Clubhouse with your parents on a Saturday night when you're 16. Right?

Dream big, Olivia Hope. The world is in the palm of your hands.

I love you, my little Lulu. I'll see you when the dismissal bell rings (in 64 minutes).

Love,
Mommy

PS- Your Daddy chose the white milk. I would have picked chocolate.


Olivia did great!!

Her parents, not so much...