It's been a while...

It's been a while....sorry about that!

Last we spoke I mentioned that we would be trying again in July. We unfortunately had to put IVF to the side as I have been dealing with some medical issues the past couple of months. Nothing too serious, at least I hope not, but no answers as of yet.

My goal is to hurry up and feel better so we can sneak a round in come September. It seems like a long shot at this point, but I am doing everything I can to get to where I need to be. I can't risk losing anymore embryos if my body isn't 100%.

Though I have been beyond frustrated with the constant bumps in the road, I am coming out of this with a genuine appreciation for life and good health. Not that I didn't appreciate life before my feeling ill, but I definitely took for granted the fact that every single healthy day is truly a gift.

Aside from not feeling so hot, we were able to celebrate some awesome family moments this summer which has been a great distraction.


These two made their engagement official and we are looking forward to their big day next month!

*my cousin Tyler & his fiance, Stephanie


We officially have a little Ballerina in our house! My Olivia started dance class. I danced my whole life so this was a BIG mama moment. She loved it!





My little love turned 3! What?????? Say it isn't so, this kid is growing up...WAY. TOO. FAST.




Welcome to the world Miss Lilly!!! Our cousin Chris and his wife Shelby welcomed a healthy beautiful little girl into our family.



Cousin reunion!! Our niece, Quinn came to Chicago for a visit! We hadn't seen this little munchkin for quite some time. Her and Olivia were attached at the hip and had the greatest time together. Can't wait to see her again soon!



That's it in a nutshell...so far! We have lots more exciting things going on in the coming months. And, hopefully I'll have some good news to report once I get cleared for another round of IVF. Until then...thank you for all of the support and thank you for following my story!

Talk soon...

It wasn't meant to be...

It's not our turn. Not yet.

I woke up at 3am with confirmation that this IUI attempt was another failed round. I didn't need to wait until Friday's pregnancy test. I got my period. 

Angry. I laid in bed angry. Why does it have to be so hard? Why do we have to struggle? Why does it come so natural for most couples? We're good parents...no, we are great parents. We appreciate every single moment. We are thankful for the little girl we have been blessed with. We recognize the miracle a tiny little life truly is. Yet, we struggle. 

So I laid in bed angry and bitter. I thought it was an appropriate reaction and was proud of myself for not going into hysterics...but then I took a shower. As soon as the water hit my face I lost it. No longer angry, just heartbroken. My body continues to let me down and I have zero control. I can hope and pray until I am blue in the face, but it won't change anything. I sat in the bathroom and texted my brother. I knew he would be awake and I needed to lean on him in order to get the courage to go to work today. I felt bad that Don was sleeping, unaware of what took place the past few hours, but he needed his sleep and I didn't want him to wake up to his crying wife. I waited to tell him until he called me when he woke up. To be honest, he didn't seem to be surprised. I think he expected it which helped me break the news this time. 

It's funny, I actually had a good feeling this round. The past couple of weeks I've been seeing butterflies randomly flying around me. When I was younger, my Godfather passed away and my Grandma told me that every time I see a butterfly that that would be a sign that it was him checking up on me. Might sound funny, but I find comfort and get a little smile every time the little guy flies my way. The day before Olivia's egg retrieval Don and I went to breakfast and sat next to a window. During the entire breakfast a butterfly sat on the window next to me. It was a sign. And though that pregnancy brought me more pain than I could ever imagine, it also brought me the love of my life.

A couple weeks ago I took Olivia to the park and a butterfly kept flying around me. I stood there and smiled and thought, "This is it. It's going to work." Then on Sunday every time I walked outside there he was...a little butterfly flying all around. A good sign...I was sure of it. Unfortunately it didn't mean anything. I'm sitting here crying and completely disappointed. Maybe it wasn't suppose to be a sign of hope. Maybe it was more of a "I am here and you will be ok". 

So now I'm digging deep to find strength that I'm not sure I have. I talked to my doctor who said that the original plan of a few IUI rounds is now in the garbage. We will move forward with IVF. I start prepping for the next round tomorrow. Emotionally not ready, but what does that matter? This will be attempt #7. I'm starting to lose track, but if memory serves me correct the past year and a half has brought...

IVF Fail- 3

Ectopic- 1

Miscarriage- 1

IUI Fail- 1

The actual IVF will take place in July. It's going to be a long month, but hopefully the family get togethers and summer sunshine will keep me busy...not to mention my Olivia. She's a good distraction. 

No doubt I will cry the remainder of today, but I will have to get it together because I have a 3 year old princess party to throw next week for my munchkin. 

These tears...they're painful. I tell myself to throw in the towel, but my heart keeps telling me to keep trying. I just wonder if my dream is too far out of reach. Is it not meant to be? I struggle with this thought every single day. I wish I had the answer. 

A couple months ago I texted my brother saying "so&so is pregnant and I'm jealous :("...he said he was sorry that I was feeling that way.  Then a few hours later I got a text from him saying, "I think you should know that you have it all and that most people are jealous of you." I cried...he's right. 

I am struggling, but should this not work out, I am still a Mom at the end of the day to a healthy, beautiful little girl. Thank God for that. 

"It's having hope which requires having guts. So wear your heart on your sleeve and if it bleeds, let it, so long as it still beats" ~ Juhani Aho

UPDATE-

A few hours after writing this entry, a little friend came to comfort me. It's a sign for sure, but more than anything he gave me hope and comfort. It's funny how life works. Just when you think you're down and out, a little sign tells you to keep going. 

The wait continues...

Every couple who goes through fertility treatments is well aware of the "two week wait."It's just that two weeks. 14 days. Doesn't sound too bad, right? Wrong. It's brutal. It is TWO. LONG. ASS. WEEKS. Each day seems like a week. Each week seems like a month. It's short enough for family and friends who are cheering the couple on, but it's long enough for the patient to create scenarios in her mind after the most minute little ache, cramp or gas bubble. 

Me personally, this past week I have diagnosed myself at least twice a day. I have called it quits, I have congratulated myself and I have felt sorry for myself...sometimes all three in a single day. I have researched names and nursery themes and wondered what it would be like to be a Mother of two. I have cried and thrown fits because the cramp I just got on my left side must be a sign that this is nothing more than another failed attempt. 

It's brutal. The two week wait brings nothing but "what ifs", desperate prayers and an upset stomach. Every time I find myself back in this wait I wonder why I keep doing this to myself. 

Here's why...

Because I can almost feel it. I want that feeling of instant love like I had the second I held Olivia. I can picture myself laying on the couch at two in the morning with a sleeping baby on my chest. I want Olivia to be a big sister. I want her to have a sibling just as much as I want another child for my own selfish reasons. I want to watch this child sleep. I want to spoil this baby and not share him/her with anyone else. I want to feel complete. I want my family to be complete. 

I can feel it. I can see it. We are so close...

Today marked one week. One more week and we'll find out whether or not this dream is becoming a reality. Friends and family keep checking in and ask how I'm feeling. The one question is always, "What's your gut telling you? Do you feel anything?"

My gut is telling me that it's 15 pounds overweight and I feel an extra roll (ok two) that hangs over my pants. Other than that..

I'm uncomfortable, My belly is sore. I thought it was a sign of good things to come, but it's too early to tell. During my ultrasound today they confirmed that my body released one, maybe two eggs. I was disappointed, but they were thrilled. She said that's exactly how many they want and that anymore could have put us in a situation just like Olivia's pregnancy. And though I appreciate the road of caution, I wanted all four follicles to produce eggs. We did IVF for a year and a half straight, we went through 9 embryos...and all 9 embryos ended in either a failed attempt or a failed pregnancy. More than an egg or two is what I had hoped for. 

I have one follicle that is still sitting pretty...pretty large and causing quite a bit of pain in my abdomen. Today's ultrasound was so painful I almost had a panic attack and went into hysterics the second I got home. 

I'm tired. This week was a long week and next week will be even longer. I have butterflies in my stomach and I'm going to lose my mind should I have to wait any longer. 

I appreciate everyone's love and support. It's so nice hearing from friends from past time and new friends who have been following our journey. The words of encouragement has put a smile on my face and has helped make this process a smidge easier. 

Please wish us luck and say a little prayer. 

To be continued....

Big day tomorrow!

Here we go, here we go!

Yesterday was a good day. We got the green light to move forward with a DOUBLE IUI! Not only that, but my follicles are looking good and we're ready to get this party started. 

A double IUI is literally two IUI treatments. As long as insurance approves the procedures and as long as your body cooperates- a double IUI is meant to help boost your chances in getting pregnant. This is a good thing. IUI has a lower success rate than IVF, so I am very excited that we get to do a double treatment. Dr. B was unsure at first because my body tends to overproduce follicles, but they put me on a lower dose of Follistim which helped keep the number of follicles at an appropriate level. 

My ultrasound was yesterday and it showed 4 mature follicles. There are follicles producing on the right side however, at a slower pace which means we most likely won't be able to use them. 

Physically I'm starting to feel a little more uncomfortable. My belly is big and a little tender. Other than that I am doing OK. Trying to keep calm and optimistic- a big difference from where I was at last winter. 

Tonight is my Ovidrel injection. This helps push the the egg out. 

Tomorrow is IUI #1. Friday is IUI #2.

At this point we hope and pray. I tell myself not to get my hopes up, but the closer we get to the procedure the more nervously excited I get. 

I want this. I really, really want this. Please let this be it. 

Wish us luck...we need it!

"There's no telling how many miles you have to run while chasing a dream." ~Anonymous

Here we go again...

Here we go....

I feel like we were just doing these injections. Our little break went faster than I thought, but here we are. Ready to start up another round. This round is different though. We've only done fresh and frozen IVF cycles. This round will be our first IUI. The chances of success aren't as high, but it buys us some time when it comes to medical benefits (which is a whole other post). My tubes have failed me in the past, but I have to believe that one will be strong enough to carry us through. Most important, Dr. B believes it could work, so I have to share that same belief...right?

I can picture it. I can picture a positive pregnancy test. I picture myself being pregnant again. I can picture baby #2. Months ago I lost this vision, but it's back and I want this more than words can express.

The chances are against me, I know this. But, I've won this battle in the past and I will win it again. Olivia is my proof that miracles exist.

So, here we go. Happy thoughts. My first injection is tonight.

Round #6, be good to us. Baby #2, we are so ready for you!

Let's do this.

My name is Mom.

My name is Mom. I hear my name called a couple hundred times a day...and it never gets old.

I always knew I wanted to be a Mom, but I never knew HOW MUCH I wanted to be a Mom. There's a difference.

I fell in love, married my best friend, owned a home and had a decent job- it was only natural that adding a child to the mix was the next adventure in life. It was suppose to be an easy task. It was a give in...right? Never in my wildest dreams did I ever, for a second think that we would struggle having children. After we had Olivia I kind of thought that baby #2 would be a breeze. In the back of my mind I thought a second child was owed to us after all of the struggle we had to go through with Olivia's pregnancy. Now I am at the point that I am losing track of the number of attempts, the medications, the loss. The heartache is a reminder that nothing in life is ever owed to you. Children aren't a "give in". You are not guaranteed a pregnancy, let alone a healthy pregnancy.

Today is Mother's Day. I know and understand the meaning of today. It's not to have your husband and children do chores around the house or make you a nice meal. It's not about the card, flowers or gift they give you. It's about being a Mom. It's a celebration of that gift of being able to BE someone else's Mom. It's about being the best Mom you know how to be. To appreciate the fact that you have a little someone to tuck in at night. To appreciate the fact that your house is a mess because your happy child likes to take every single toy they own out and not put it back. It's knowing how lucky you are to be able to celebrate this Hallmark holiday.

Though a great day for most, there are too many shedding tears of heartbreak, lost hope and the fear of what may never be. Mother's Day is a painful day for those who ache for the ultimate miracle in life. I've thought of these people all day. I pray for them every night. I know their tears as I've been down that same dark road before. To all of those whom are wishing and hoping today and every day, I hear you. I share that same dream of yours and I am wishing and hoping great things for you. Have faith. Your day will come. To all of the already existing Mommy's...be thankful. Hug your babies extra tight tonight.

I am thankful for every single day I have with my daughter. Her constant smile and laughter makes me feel like I am doing something right. Today just isn't about be me being her Mom, but it's about the two of us and the special bond that we share. This morning, as the two of us drove to breakfast we blasted, "Let it Go" and sang our hearts out. It was a complete out of pitch duet, but I couldn't think of anything other than how awesome it was that my little mini-me was sitting in the back seat singing with me, her Mom.

I am grateful for this day and every day after. I am blessed beyond belief that Olivia Hope is mine...all mine!

Olivia, you can call me Mom a million times a day and I will always answer. You can (and will) continue to bust through the bathroom door when you have something you feel is urgent to tell me. You can push me away after I tackle you to the ground giving you dozens of kisses and hugs, but I will always have a hug and kiss saved for you. You can ask for Daddy when you're mad at me, but I know you still love me anyway. You can think your Mom is a total goofball, but I will continue to stand on my head to make you laugh. You can stain your shirt 5 minutes after I take the tags off, chances are I bought a second just in case. You can pretend you didn't hear me when I said no more M&Ms, but I know you heard me, did you notice I snuck a few more too?

You are my greatest accomplishment. My pride and joy. Thank you for being you. I love every ounce of being your Mommy.

Happy Mother's Day to us!

There is a quote for everything....

National Infertility Awareness Week: Day 5

When I get sad I read quotes. I feel there is a quote for everything, no matter what the situation is. Whether you're in love, going through a breakup, looking for strength, needing a laugh or needing a little bit of home...there's a quote for it.

Since starting my blog I have received several emails from women facing the same struggle. Some are just starting their journey, some have been on this road for quite some time. In every email I hear sadness and fear and it makes me sad for them. I wish I could give words of wisdom, but I too am still trying to figure it all out. I wish I could give each person a hug and tell them their dream will one day come true, but I can't make any promises. Life doesn't always work out the way we've planned.

I email back every person who contacts me. I tell them I care because I sincerely do. I tell them I am now their friend (whether they were looking for a new friend or not) and I tell them I will be their shoulder to cry on. I also usually send each person a quote that has helped me out. Sometimes it's nice to know that there are words out there that mean something or words that you can relate to. Might sound corny, but some words will light a fire in someone and give them another ounce of hope- or a nudge to take a new risk or go on a new adventure. When I feel like I don't have an ounce of hope left...I read quotes.

Here are some of the quotes that mean something to me.

"...with a baby or without, you are valuable, you are whole. And you matter..."

"Sometimes the bad things that happen in our lives put us directly on the path to the best things that will ever happen to us."

"There is a unique pain that comes from preparing a place in your heart for a child that never comes."

"Be patient. Sometimes you have to go through the worst to get the best."

"My entire life can be described in one sentence: It didn't go a planned, and that's ok."

"Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength."

"The longer you wait for something the more you'll appreciate it when you get it. Cause anything worth having, is definitely worth waiting..."

"Broken crayons still color" (This one makes me chuckle)

"Don't think about what can happen in a month. Don't think you about what can happen in a year. Just focus on the 24 hours in front of you and do what you can to get closer to where you want to be."

"Dear God, I've tried my best, but if today I lose hope, please tell me that your plans are better than my dreams."

"You can break down a woman temporarily, but a real woman will always pick up the pieces. rebuild herself and come back even stronger than ever!"

"True strength is holding it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart."

"Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be."

"Life is a series of thousands of tiny miracles. Notice them."

"Because you are alive anything is possible."

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."

"Always smile back at little children. To ignore them is to destroy their belief that the world is good."

"I believe in love at first sight...because I'm a mom."