I've taken a little break from blogging and took the past couple of weeks to get my emotions in check and my head together. Dr. Alexander told me to take a class to get active again, she suggested Yoga. I had other thoughts...
My sister Taylor and I took a kickboxing class which ended up kicking both of our out-of-shape butts. Though a good calorie burner, it felt good to beat the crap out of something. It took a week for my body to recover, but I'm looking forward to a second round. It also meant a lot that she joined me. Completely out of her element, I know she came to support me.
This week was my consultation with Dr. Binor. I've been waiting weeks for this appointment. Anxious is putting it lightly. I have zero patience and waiting to find out what the game plan would be was causing me to lose sleep. I went to the consult alone, which is something I prefer as of lately. I'm technically there for a medical consultation, but every meeting with Dr. Binor ends up being better than any therapy session I've every paid for.
Dr. Binor walked in and immediately I got teary eyed. As much as I say I'm going to keep it together as soon as I see him I tend to fall apart.
He thanked me for coming and apologized for the past year. He said he's sad for us and thinks about us often.
"Your file is embedded in my brain. I review it over and over and I check off every box except the one with the answer as to why this isn't working. And my only thought is... it's because of that pregnancy."
That pregnancy. That. Pregnancy. THAT PREGNANCY.
"That pregnancy" is something I will never ever be able to get away from. As soon as he says "that pregnancy"...I cry. As soon as "that pregnancy" is brought up- it's like someone has ripped a band-aid off of a raw, unhealed, bleeding wound. It hurts. The sting is forever with me and the slightest reminder can bring me to my knees.
I nodded my head. I understood what he was saying. The thought is that the pregnancy did a number to my body. It's done something to my body that has prevented me from getting pregnant with IVF and no one can figure it out.
My eggs are textbook perfect. My husbands sperm is textbook perfect. Our embryos are beautiful, grade A embryos. I'm on blood thinners. I'm on progesterone injections. I'm on estrogen injections. On paper, all looks great. On paper, I should be pregnant.
"If insurance gives us the approval, I want to take a step back. We need to try IUI."
My jaw dropped and my eyes popped out of my head like a cartoon character. He lost me. Taking a step back seems odd and IUI with a semi open tube just sounds...like a future negative pregnancy test. I sat there scratching my head listening to his game plan. He talked about the injections I would need to take and how they differ from the ones I take with IVF. He tells me that there's something very unnatural when it comes to IVF and IUI is the closest "natural" way a fertility patient can get to conceiving.
With IVF, every ounce of your body and cycle is taken over by medication. You're on medication to produce eggs, then there's an egg retrieval, then they "fertilize" the egg, then they watch the embryo grow (discard any that aren't viable), then you go in for your egg transfer and then you go home and let it "cook". Every step is very controlled.
With IUI, even though you're on injections- there's no egg retrieval/transfer. Dr. Binor will put me on medication to help me ovulate, he'll wait until it's the appropriate number of follicles (if there's too many, he will cancel the cycle. Too many follicles could lead to multiples, meaning more than two babies).
Here's our issue...
Back in 2011 we found out that both of my tubes are blocked. Dr. Alexander performed a surgery to open the tubes which ultimately slightly opened one, but not the other. The concern was that the tube was slightly open, but no one knew how long this would last since there was no true reason as to why they were blocked to begin with.
When we started seeing Dr. Binor, IUI was initially discussed. I needed the left side to ovulate so we could use my left tube. For three consecutive months the ultrasound showed the right side ovulating. Even though it's suppose to switch sides every other month, my body has a mind of its own and would only ovulate on the right side. Therefore, IUI couldn't work for us.
Last August Dr. Binor ordered another HSG (dye test to show tubes). This time the right was slightly open and leaked minimal dye. The left was slightly open, but had a delay and needed pressure to push the dye through. With that said, I was a little shocked and reluctant to hear about the new game plan for Baby #2.
"We're going through too many embryo's without knowing what the issue is. I need to see if your body responds to IUI. You're down to 5 embryos and one egg retrieval. We're running out of resources here."
I was picking up on his frustration and the doubt in the tone of his voice.
I have 5 frozen embryos left and insurance will only cover one more egg retrieval in my lifetime. I am very aware of the reality of the situation. It sends me into a panic every time I think about it.
"Do you have $30,000 cash to pay for IVF should we run through those resources?"
"No."
"Then we try IUI."
"If it doesn't work?"
"Then we try again."
"If it doesn't work, again?"
"Then we go back to IVF."
"Fine."
Depending on the doctor, if you ask what the chances of success are with IVF, the average is about 30%. Pretty low for as much money that it costs. I asked Dr. Binor what the percentage is for IUI.
"It's higher with IUI, but for you- I don't know."
I put my head down and continued to cry. The frustration was getting to me and anger that I've been running from is starting to take over my newfound hopeful attitude.
"I know you're disappointed. Out of all my years, this is my most frustrating. If I'm frustrated I can't imagine what you're going through."
Dr. Binor was honest with me in saying he's not 100% confident, but he thinks I've got a shot. We need my body to cooperate and ovulate on the left side. I however, am doubtful. Not once in 5 years has my body ever cooperated. With tubes that no one is sure of how open they are, I asked if I would be at risk for an ectopic, should the IUI work.
"Sure. That could happen, but it also may not. We'll watch you close."
"I'm strong enough to try again, and again, and again...but I'm not strong enough to go through another loss. I'm not. I can't."
"I know."
We talked some more about Olivia, Don and how everyone was holding up. We laughed at how I'll forever be known as the problem child that diminished his success rate. He apologized for all of the injections and heartache. I thanked him for his support and thoughtfulness and then I asked him to bring me another Olivia.
"When we were trying for Olivia I knew it would work. I saw myself holding that baby at the end of the day. I knew I would get what I wanted. This time is different. I can't see it. I don't know if it's in the cards for us, but I want it so bad. I'm not ready to give up, so please don't give up on us. I'll try anything. I'm not afraid of injections or surgeries. If it brings me a baby I'll try anything."
"We will keep trying. You let me worry about how, I need you to take care of yourself and control the stress level."
I left the office feeling- unsure. Unsure about the next steps. Unsure about how my body would cooperate. Unsure about the future.
Nora (my nurse) called me later that day and told me that insurance approved IUI. Herself and Dr. Binor are ready to proceed once I give the green light. I want to make sure that my head is clear and I'm as stress-free as can be. I'm close, but I'm not there yet. As always, my husband is in my corner supporting my every move.
I was talking to my Dad the other day complaining about the struggle and stress.
"You have a healthy, happy, beautiful child. Anything else is bonus. If there's something you want, you're going to have to fight for it. You do not give up."
He's right.
Focus, Courtney. Focus.
