He repeated himself five or six times while I sat there with tears flowing.
I know. I know I am so lucky. I believe everyone should be blessed enough to have an Olivia. I'm so lucky to have this child and I'm so lucky to be called a Mom. I'm lucky, I know. I get it.
The other day I had a mini meltdown. That happens from time to time, but this meltdown had been building. Taking a break from IVF has been getting to me. I'm still having these episodes, I still don't have answers from any doctor and I still can't do IVF until I get this resolved. In the meantime the clock that everyone talks about once you turn 30 continues to tick in the back of my mind. I hear it every second of every day and it's starting to take it's toll.
I got wind that my younger sister might start trying for a baby in the near future. Deep down I know the time is getting closer and deep down I can't blame her one bit- but it doesn't take away the blow I would feel should she get pregnant before I do. I've been thinking and thinking about what my reaction would be should that day come. I do a very good job of faking a "CONGRATULATIONS I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!" reaction, but I can do that when it comes to friends and coworkers getting pregnant. I wouldn't be able to fake it with my own sister...especially this sister. She could read me like a book and I think she would be hurt if I faked my reaction.
Since hearing this news a couple weeks ago I've really been training myself to get it together and prepare for the day, but who am I fooling- it kills me, I know, I know! I have a child. I'm selfish. This is my own sister we are talking about. I get it. I know. I've yelled at myself and have slapped my own hand, but I'll be the first to admit...I'm selfish...and I'm immature...and I have jealous issues. There. I said it.
Holding these feelings in the past couple of weeks have been hard. Who could I talk to without them yelling at me for feeling this way? Who would put me in my place in the most gentle of ways?
My brother came over the other night and when we sat on the couch I quietly said, "hey...did you hear she might start trying soon?" His eyes kind of grew big and I could tell he already knew. I could also tell that he knew where this conversation was going. Having a heart to heart with my brother could go one of two ways. He'll either tell you to knock it off and quit crying- or he'll sit there and won't move until he gets you to stop crying. It was my lucky day because I was in no mood to get scolded.
I told myself I wouldn't cry, but as soon as he confirmed the information I cried. I told him I'm not mature and that I get jealous when I see others get pregnant. I told him that it's killing me that I have yet to have #2- not just for myself, but for Olivia. He let me cry and he said he was sorry- but he also told me to get it together. He told me that though I hurt- he knows I'll be happy for my sister when the day comes that she gets pregnant. He also told me that she's been hesitant to try because of my situation and that kills me.
Not getting pregnant isn't just about me. It's about my child having a sibling. Of course I want a baby for my own selfish reasons, but having a little partner for my Olivia would complete me.
I grew up with two sisters and a brother. We were and still are best friends. We leaned on one another to get through some tough times during our childhood and even now as adults- when we hurt or struggle, we have one another to lean on. My best friends are my siblings. Period.
My older sister just went through a hard time last fall. I went over to her house to help out with some yard work and to lift her spirits. I felt like crap that day, but knew she felt worse and that she needed me. She stood in her yard crying and thanked me for helping her. It killed me to see her in so much pain, and in the back of my mind all I could think of was thank God we have each other- and that I wanted Olivia to have the same. Don and I won't always be around. As much as I would love to think that Neverland exists, it doesn't. There's going to come a time when Olivia will need someone to lean on other than her parents. I want that for my child.
I explained this all to Pete who in turn couldn't argue my feelings, but did his best to calm my heart.
"She's healthy. She's happy. She has the best parents. You might not be able to give her a sibling, but you're giving her a great life damn it. She's a miracle. Look at her. She is a miracle!"
I might not be able to give her a sibling. I might not be able to give her a sibling. I might not be able to give her a sibling.
A second child may not be in the cards for me. A sibling may not be in the cards for Olivia.
Just as I type this statement out I cry. How? Why? What did I do? I'm a great Mom. Don is a great Dad. We work hard. We've proven ourselves. I'll never understand. I want it so bad!!
I know now more than ever that we may not have another child. It's something that I have to come to terms with, but I'm still not totally convinced. I still pray every night and will continue to do so.
Before Peter left my house that night he told me to genuinely support our sister. "Tell her you're there for her. You're practically a Gynecologist now- give her a little help."
My sister could very well get pregnant before I do. I know this and I've accepted this and I'm ok with this. She's there for me always and I will be for her. She has had my back and is one of my biggest fans. It's only right to treat her with the same respect and love. I would never want someone to put their life on hold because my life isn't working out according to plan. Taylor- go have your babies. You deserve an Olivia too.
You know- when I was in labor I was scared out of my mind. My pregnancy was so unpredictable that I had no idea how the delivery would go. A couple hours before I delivered I looked at Don and told him that we should ask someone to come into our room and take pictures of the birth so we don't miss out on the keepsake. Even though we originally agreed that it would just be him and I in the delivery room I convinced him that we needed the pictures. There was a person I had in mind and it wasn't just because I trusted her with my camera. It was because I needed her to keep me calm. I called Taylor at about 5am and she arrived 20 minutes later. It was like she was waiting for my call.
Olivia is 3 1/2 years old and there is one picture that is my absolute favorite. I get so many compliments, but it's because of Taylor that this picture exists.
Maybe I'll be able to capture this same photo for you one day. Who knows...maybe we'll have our babies at the same time. One could dream, right?
