Who ever said wishing on stars really works?

I haven't slept good the past couple of nights. Not that I've ever slept through the night, but I've tossed and turned more than usual due to the constant race my mind has been running.

This shit is hard to take.

Olivia has been asking for a sibling more and more lately. I usually am able to change the subject or tell her to pray every night and ask God for a sibling, but lately she has been pretty demanding and less understanding.

Have hope. I tell her to have hope, but really I am the biggest hypocrite because I lost hope a long time ago.

I picked her up from my sisters house the other day and during our usual "how was your day" routine she sadly said, "I don't have anyone."

Deep breath. I knew where this was going.

I assured her that she had Mommy and Daddy, but she then went on to explain that she doesn't have any "kids".

"I don't have a brother or sister. I don't have anyone. I want a brother or sister."

She told me that she wanted what her cousins have. She said she wants to have a brother or sister to play with and that God isn't listening to what she wants.

I thought- you're right, he's not listening.

I told her to keep praying and to wish on a star and that maybe one day it will come true.

"Wishing on stars doesn't work."

"Sure it does! I wish on stars."

"Your wishes don't come true."

She's smart. So smart that its hard arguing with her. I asked her if she was sad and that's when the conversation broke my heart...

"I'm angry. And I'm so sad."

My kid has been sad and no doubt she will be sad a million more times, but I've never heard her say that she's angry. The worst part is that she is angry and hurt over something that I can't fix...and that kills me.

People always say "oh she'll be fine!" or "she has her cousins- she'll be fine!"

If we don't have another child there is no doubt that she will be "fine". I will make sure of it. But that doesn't mean she won't hurt or that she won't miss out. She is four years old and she can feel the void that we prayed she would never have to feel. Do you know how much that sucks? I feel like a failure. I feel that I am failing her every time she has to play by herself because she doesn't have a brother or sister to play with. I feel terrible that she's upstairs as we speak playing with her imaginary "princess sister". I felt terrible when the lady at American Girl Doll asked her if she was an only child. I hate labels- and "only child" is not something I strived for for my little girl. I panic when thinking that she won't have a sister standing beside her when she gets married. I'm throwing my little sister a baby shower and I always wonder- who will throw Olivia's? What if I'm not here? Who will she have when she's older and Christmas comes around the corner?

My heart breaks that she doesn't believe it will ever happen and unfortunately I can't promise her something that I'm not sure we can deliver on. It fucking sucks.

I spoil her. There's no doubt. I went down to a 4 day work week to make sure that one day out of the week was special for her and I. That one day means more to me then you'll ever know. I take her on an "adventure" every week and spend more money than I probably should, but I do it because I'll do anything I can to make her feel special.

Giving her a sibling should be an easy request- at least you'd think. I HATE that we struggle so much and I HATE that our struggle is now affecting her.

I'm at the point in my life where I need closure. We started back up with IVF right before Olivia turned one. She is now 4 years old. This saga has gone on long enough. My health concerns have held me up for over a year and I can't even begin to guess as to when we will get the green light to try again. I'm tired. I'm bitter. I'm sad and I'm angry. I think and I think and I think and I think. I pull the plug on trying and then get sucked back in two minutes later. I've rehearsed the conversation I will need to have with Olivia should a sibling not be in the cards. It's a conversation I dread, but... how much longer can this go on for?

I toss and I turn because it's hard to sleep through the night when your heart hurts so much...

Who ever said that wishing on stars really works?