There is a quote for everything....

National Infertility Awareness Week: Day 5

When I get sad I read quotes. I feel there is a quote for everything, no matter what the situation is. Whether you're in love, going through a breakup, looking for strength, needing a laugh or needing a little bit of home...there's a quote for it.

Since starting my blog I have received several emails from women facing the same struggle. Some are just starting their journey, some have been on this road for quite some time. In every email I hear sadness and fear and it makes me sad for them. I wish I could give words of wisdom, but I too am still trying to figure it all out. I wish I could give each person a hug and tell them their dream will one day come true, but I can't make any promises. Life doesn't always work out the way we've planned.

I email back every person who contacts me. I tell them I care because I sincerely do. I tell them I am now their friend (whether they were looking for a new friend or not) and I tell them I will be their shoulder to cry on. I also usually send each person a quote that has helped me out. Sometimes it's nice to know that there are words out there that mean something or words that you can relate to. Might sound corny, but some words will light a fire in someone and give them another ounce of hope- or a nudge to take a new risk or go on a new adventure. When I feel like I don't have an ounce of hope left...I read quotes.

Here are some of the quotes that mean something to me.

"...with a baby or without, you are valuable, you are whole. And you matter..."

"Sometimes the bad things that happen in our lives put us directly on the path to the best things that will ever happen to us."

"There is a unique pain that comes from preparing a place in your heart for a child that never comes."

"Be patient. Sometimes you have to go through the worst to get the best."

"My entire life can be described in one sentence: It didn't go a planned, and that's ok."

"Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength."

"The longer you wait for something the more you'll appreciate it when you get it. Cause anything worth having, is definitely worth waiting..."

"Broken crayons still color" (This one makes me chuckle)

"Don't think about what can happen in a month. Don't think you about what can happen in a year. Just focus on the 24 hours in front of you and do what you can to get closer to where you want to be."

"Dear God, I've tried my best, but if today I lose hope, please tell me that your plans are better than my dreams."

"You can break down a woman temporarily, but a real woman will always pick up the pieces. rebuild herself and come back even stronger than ever!"

"True strength is holding it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart."

"Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be."

"Life is a series of thousands of tiny miracles. Notice them."

"Because you are alive anything is possible."

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."

"Always smile back at little children. To ignore them is to destroy their belief that the world is good."

"I believe in love at first sight...because I'm a mom."

It all began with a brown bag

National Infertility Awareness Week: Day 4

Hello, tonight's blog is being written by Courtney's husband, Don.  Courtney asked if I would document my view point on our journey through infertility.  I will start off by apologizing.  I am no where near as talented a writer as my wife.  I type with two fingers and grammar and spelling has never been my strong suit.  But over the past five years, if I have learned anything, it is how to deal with difficult situations... so I think I can do this.

I met my wife through her brother, Pete.  Pete is the closest friend I have ever had.  We met the first week of college and have been close ever since.  You might ask if it was strange dating a friend's sister, wondering if the relationship went south would I lose a friend with it.  But after a few dates with Courtney, I was willing to risk anything to be with her.

I will not go into all the details of our marriage, since I know Courtney has touched on most it.  Just know that I met my soul mate in Courtney. The term "soul mate" gets tossed around a lot as a term of endearment.  But when I say soul mate, I mean that I found the one person in the world that I would do anything for, and she would do anything for me.  I would rather fight with Courtney then laugh with anyone else.

Courtney never told me what to write in this blog but I am going to assume that she wanted me to write a male perspective on infertility.  During infertility the attention if often directed, and rightfully so, on the woman.  After all  they are the ones going through multiple doctor appointments, wave after wave of injections, enough pills to kill a horse and lets not forget the mood swings... of sweet Jesus the mood swings.  I can't comment on how husbands in general deal with it, I can only tell you how I deal with it.

I never thought this was how I was going to to get my family started but no one knows the cards they going to be dealt.  Infertility was a foreign word to me, in that I did not know anyone that had to deal with it before.  I quickly came to terms with the issues we were facing, the issues Courtney was facing and that I was completely helpless in making things better.  I thought of something my dad once told me.  "A boy does what he wants to do, a man does what he needs to do".  At that moment I put on my big boy pants and did everything I could do to make sure that Courtney never felt alone in this battle and that she would never be made to feel that she was at fault for it.  No one was... some times you are given a shitty go at a part in your life.  It's easy to be a loving, caring husband when everything is going smoothly, it's when your back is against the wall you find out if you truly met your soul mate.

I tried to never cry in front of Courtney.  Don't get me wrong, I cried with Courtney during our struggles but I never initiated it.  I tried to be some sort of constant for her during this.  My time to cry was in the car, to and from work.  While Courtney was on bed rest during the pregnancy, in between the miscarriage and the reduction, I cried harder then I have ever cried in my life.  I kept this to myself, the last thing I wanted to do was put additional stress onto my already stressed out wife.  What I did, and what I strongly suggest to all the husbands out there, is to find someone that you can talk to.  Someone who you trust and someone that you know will keep their mouth shut and listen.  I wished I did that more, I think there would of been less crying session in my work mini-van if I would of done that.

Another way I dealt with this was with my sense of humor.  I tried to find the lighter side of certain situations, that way I could laugh at a not-so-funny moment.  Sometimes all you can do is either laugh or cry... I prefer to laugh.  One of those situations was how my daughter was conceived.

My story began in a bathroom...

In a hospital...

By myself...

I know, not the sexiest of ways to make a baby but nothing about infertility is sexy or normal.  During the day of our embryo retrieval, shortly after Courtney was taken out of the room for the procedure, a nurse I never met before came into the room and told me it was time for me to do my part.  I was caught off guard.  I don't know why that took me by surprise, it wasn't like I was expecting dinner but I quickly shook it off.  The nurse handed me a cup and began to walk out of the room.  I stopped her and asked her where I was suppose to do, "my part".  I was expecting some type of sterile room in a secured and secret location but was quickly brought down to earth when the nurse pointed to the bathroom.  The bathroom was a shared bathroom with the outpatient recovery room next to ours.  Once you were in the bathroom, for safety reasons, you were unable to lock the doors behind you.  I think the nurse was able to see the color leave my face and the look of terror come across it when she said I could go up to Dr. B's office if that made me feel more comfortable.  I thought to myself, should I go to our bathroom and take the risk of the 70 year old wife of the man in the other room next to us getting his knee replaced coming in while I was doing "my part" or go to the office across the hospital.  I took my cup and walked myself to Dr. B's office.

Once at the office... and fast forward to spare you any unnecessary details,  I met with the nurse to let  her know I was done with "my part" and asked if some special team was coming to take it to the transfer.  The nurse informed me that I can just take it down to the outpatient surgery room and give it to the nurses.  The outpatient surgery department and Dr. B's office was on the complete opposite end of the hospital.  All I could mustard was an awkward / embarrassed look on my face, no words.  The nurse asked if I would like to put my cup into a container to take downstairs.  Again no words, just an awkward / embarrassed look but this time I was able to add a nod.  The nurse handed me a brown paper lunch bag, the same type of bag that most of society takes their PB&J's to work or school in.

So there I went, leaving the office with the brown bag in hand probably the most embarrassed I have ever been in my entire life.

I'm sure at this point my wife is reading this, getting red in the face, wondering why in the hell did she ever think letting me do a blog entry would be a good idea.  This is why... to all the husbands out their you will be doing things that make you uncomfortable.  Whether its giving your wife intramuscular injections, going through blood tests, going to doctor appointment after doctor appointment or doing "your part" in the bathroom of a doctor's office.  It's all tough, but you are not doing it alone, you are doing it with your soul mate.  And hopefully you can find some comfort knowing that you aren't the first person to do it.

Though my story isn't the most sexiest, it is by far the most beautiful.  It is the most beautiful because that lead to my Olivia.  All of the things that you will go through will lead you to your Olivia.
You are not alone, your quiet sacrifice is not going unnoticed.  Your main purpose in this stage of your life is to be a constant source of reassurance and support to your wife, but do not feel that you need to go at it alone.  It is alright to talk to people about it and it is alright to struggle with it at times but remember

... the juice is worth the squeeze

What to say, what to say...

National Infertility Awareness Week: Day 3

What to say, what to say? Often times when loved ones are going through a rough time in their life, it's hard to find the right words to say. Some times it is impossible to relate to the pain or frustration one feels.

When we were trying for baby #1 I was venting to my brother about comments made and the lack of sensitivity that I was picking up from some people. Someone would say something to me and you could hear my jaw hit the ground. Deep down I knew most people had good intentions, but the words that would come out of their mouths would make me build a wall and I would ultimately go into hiding. I never wanted to answer the phone, a conversation about our situation was almost impossible to have with me and I was beyond fragile from an emotional standpoint that any single comment that was taken the wrong way would have sent me right over the edge. After crying to my brother about a conversation that took place earlier he calmed me down and said, "No one knows what to say to you. Everyone wants to be there for you, but we can't relate, so what do we say?"

I was quiet for a second. I knew this much already, but it was the first time someone said that they didn't know what to say to me. He wasn't trying to diagnose me. He didn't criticize or question decisions made. He didn't tell me to get a second opinion. He just said, he couldn't relate. He didn't know what to say. That's when I said, "Perfect. Don't say anything at all. Hold my hand and let me cry. That's all I want."

My brother, he was my and Don's shield when we were going through our pregnancy with Olivia. He fielded our calls. He kept people out of our home. I would tell him test results and he would inform everyone else. He always knew when I was in and out of the hospital. I never wanted a crowd so he would keep quiet whenever we hit another bump in the road. Chances are always good that if something is going on with me, he is the one who knows everything...and vise versa.

Pete never asked me any questions. He listened. He observed from a distance. Most times he was very uncomfortable knowing the gruesome details, but he was there for us nonetheless. He drove an hour with dinner he prepared just so we had a home cooked meal. I always knew he had a loss for words, but it was his presence that we needed most.

Going through any kind of fertility treatment is never a walk in the park. It's physically and emotionally taxing. Trying to get pregnant is like a full time job. Listen, I've been stuck with plenty of needles, I've taken every sort of medication there is to take and pretty much every doctor, nurse and resident at Rush has seen my lady parts...I assure you, unless you've gone through it, you can't relate so please, for the sake of ones sanity- don't try to find words of wisdom. There are no words.

I've put together a list of comments that have been said to me and my husband. I did this last year and thought it would be good to bring it back for old times sake. With three more IVF attempts, I've been able to add a few comments since then.

This is a list of what NOT to say to a person/couple going through infertility.

- When are you going to start having kids!?
   Don't ever ask this question. To anyone. You have no idea what is going on behind closed doors.
- At least you're young!
   Right...however, I can't freeze time. I just keep getting older. My "youth" hasn't helped me much. 
- It will happen when you stop trying so hard
   This just sounds stupid.
- There's always IVF!
   Easy-peasy! There's always IVF. There's also always the cost of IVF, the side effects of IVF, the risks of IVF, the emotional roller coaster of IVF, the weight gain of IVF, the hundreds of needles of IVF, the NO GUARANTEE of IVF...but yes, there is always IVF isn't there?
- Giuliana Rancic did IVF! You should look into her doctor.
   I wonder if Giuliana will let me borrow money so I can have the same resources she has? 
- Have you looked into adoption? You should try to get on a list just in case
   There is nothing against adoption, but YOU telling me to look into adoption means you don't have any hope that I can get pregnant myself. Also, adopting a baby is just as hard if not harder for a couple who has no political or hollywood ties. 
- Get drunk and have sex. It works for everyone
   Shit, why didn't I think of this? I should ask my doctor to write me a prescription for a bottle of rum and we'll be on our way!
- It only took us one try
   Go f*ck yourself :)
- How has it not worked for you guys!? It's time to get a new doctor.
   Curious, where did you get your medical degree from?
- Can I ask how much you guys pay for treatment? Just curious.
   No you may not!
- Whose fault is it that you guys can't get pregnant?
   Mine. It is my "fault". Thank you for pointing that out. 
- It could be worse, you could have a disease of some kind?
   Thank you for that reality check. Infertility is a disease. No, I will not die from infertility, but that doesn't mean I don't hurt from my loss. Don't one up me with by throwing that in my face. 
- At least you have Olivia!
   There is no one in this world more grateful for my child however, should we only be aloud to have one? Last time I checked the Duggar's have something like 19 kids. Curious as to why I struggle having one?
- It will happen! Think positive.
   How do you know? Can you guarantee me that it will happen? When? How many more attempts do we have to go through? If I had a penny for every time I thought positive, but got a shitty outcome I wouldn't have to save so hard for our trip to Disney. 

This is a list of what TO say to a person/couple going through infertility.

******crickets*******

Do you hear that? Shhhhhhh.....

Nothing. You say nothing. 

You sit and you listen. You're a shoulder to cry on. You're a hand to hold. You're company when their lonely. You're their biggest support. You are their friend when they need you the most.

National Infertility Awareness Week: Day 2: Faking a Smile

I have mastered the art of faking a smile. I have mastered saying "congratulations!" while sounding excited and happy for the person I've said those things to. I have mastered bullshitting conversations to people I don't want to tell my reality to. My acting skills could win me an Oscar. True story.

Social Media is a double edged sword. You share exciting news with the world, but when other people share their news with you- it could be during the darkest of times in your own personal life. I have come to expect pregnancy announcements on Facebook and twitter around each and every holiday. The announcements usually sound something like this-

"Starting this New Year off with a bang! Baby blah-blah due this summer!"

"Happy Valentine's Day! Our little sweetheart due this fall!"

"Happy Easter! Our little bunny will be here soon!"

"Our little pumpkin due next spring!"

"Our little turkey, coming soon!"

"Santa brought us the best gift of all! Baby blah-blah due next spring!"

You get the point don't you? Do you not agree with me!? There are days I wish Facebook offered a middle finger option instead of a thumbs up. Unfortunately that's not the case so instead of the finger I give the person a thumbs up and say, "Wow-we! Congratulations on your little bun in the oven! :)" Deep down I want to say, "Of course you're f'ing pregnant! It wouldn't be Christmas without a half dozen pregnancy announcements on Facebook!"

Bitter? Maybe a little.

Here's where it gets sticky. I can be a total asshole about strangers or "long lost friends", but when it's family...that's when I have to keep myself in check.

When we were trying to have Olivia everyone and their mother was pregnant. It was brutal. Baby Showers were hell for me. There were a couple showers that I couldn't bear to go to so I declined. And that's ok, I'm sure the Mama-to-be didn't want a hysterical bitter hag crying tears of misery in the dried out cake slice they give out as dessert. Nonetheless, every time someone got pregnant, it was like I was kicked in the stomach one more time.

As much as I love my nieces and nephews (and I do, I'm crazy about each and every one of them)...it stung a little bit when we would find out a new bundle was on the way! Deep down I was happy for my and Don's siblings, but I wanted my own baby and it hurt like every time someone elses dreams came true.

I remember comments people made to me during this time such as, "you shouldn't be bitter" or "be happy because they are happy" or "it will happen for you so be excited for other people. I never thought anyone understood my pain. I wasn't sure people totally got how fragile our situation was.

One afternoon I went to my brothers house to relax and hang out with my niece. I told my brother that it was time Grace (my niece) had a little sibling. Without skipping a beat he said, "there won't be baby #2 until there is a Cummings baby." Right away, tears. I knew him and Danielle were ready for baby #2, but my brother wasn't having it until I had a baby of my own. He got it. He understood my pain. He knew, without me telling him, how much it hurt. I told him not to do that. I didn't want him to put his life on hold for me. That wasn't fair to him and his little family.

From here on out, I knew I had to start faking a smile. I didn't want people to feel like they had to put their life on hold for me and I certainly didn't want people walking on eggshells around me.

Fast forward to now...I've become a true master at faking a smile.

A few months ago I was on a business trip. It was a few weeks after we decided to take a little break from IVF. I hate leaving Olivia, even if it's only for a couple of days. I was down in the dumps, missed my loves and was sick with the flu. Not the best of trips.

Anyway, I was sitting in a meeting when I got a missed call from my husband. Twenty seconds later I get a text message..."Chris called. Shelby is pregnant". Chris is my husband's cousin/second brother....he's also a newlywed. My heart sank. I'm trying to act somewhat interested in a meeting I had no desire being in in the first place. Now I get a text message with news that I have to quickly wrap my head around because sure enough, 30 seconds after the text, I have an incoming call from Chris. Though Chris and I are close, it's not often that he calls me. I declined his call to finish my meeting, but knew that I owed him a callback. Thankfully my husband cushioned the news a little bit, even from a distance.

I had ten minutes to excuse myself to the ladies room before my next meeting. I thought it would be perfect timing to call him back. Had to be quick and I couldn't get emotional...I had to meet with people I had never met before so I couldn't get all hysterical and show up like a hot mess.

Turns out, my plan backfired.

Chris delivered his news and I pretended I was hearing it for the first time. I told him I was so excited and happy for him and Shelby. Deep down I was...but it took me a minute to get there. After I hung up the phone I sat in the bathroom and cried. It's not that I wasn't happy for Chris. I knew why he made a special phone call to both me and Don...I appreciated the thought. He cares about us and our situation and we love him for that. I couldn't help but be jealous for how easy a baby came to them. It's just like everyone else who gets pregnant so easily. I want that for myself so bad. I don't want to have to struggle. I don't want to face the heartache. I want to get knocked up during a drunk sexy romp on the beach just like Chris and his wife did (sorry Shelby, Chris gave me details even though I didn't ask. I think it was the nerves in telling me the big news?).

During my call with Chris, I faked my smile. I was sad, for all of my own selfish reasons. I took a day and felt sorry for myself while being mad at the world...but then I learned how to get over it. I had to. One day I was on the phone crying my little sister about how easy it was for others to get pregnant and then I realized...oh shit. I'm crying to the newlywed who has yet to have kids of her own. I can't do that. If and when my sister gets pregnant, she can't be scared to tell me. She can't feel guilty that it came so easy to her (at least I hope it comes easy). It's not her fault that I struggle with infertility. It's not Chris & Shelby's fault either.

This weekend I am throwing Chris and Shelby their baby shower. Crazy, right? I'm not going to lie, when I pick out itty bitty clothes for their gift, I wish I was picking them out for my own baby...but I'm not. I truly am happy for the two of them. I have a sweet, healthy baby (she's a toddler now, but will always be my baby). Everyone deserves to have an Olivia in their life.

Chris & Shelby...I'm sure you're reading this now. You might even be a little nervous showing up at my house for your own shower, but don't be. The smile on my face this weekend will be genuine. I am happy for you. I truly am. The best gift I was ever given, was becoming a Mom. My wish for the both of you is to love every single moment. Take in every single moment. Go above and beyond. Take a million pictures. Give that sweet baby a million kisses. Let her fall asleep on your chest. Watch her sleep. Read her stories, even if she's only a few days old. Sing to her...even if you can't carry a tune. You'll make mistakes, but forgive yourself when you do. Your baby is a gift. Never take for granted this sweet miracle.

PS...if you get pregnant with baby #2 before we do...I will be pissed :)

National Infertility Awareness Week: Day 1: Loved.

Today is the first day of National Infertility Awareness Week (niaw). I thought I would start this week off with a post about the person who gets me through this struggle that I have come to hate most in life. 


Him. He's my person.

Him. My everything. Her everything. 

It is he who has supported me most. Don't get me wrong, both of our families have gone above and beyond in showing their and love and support for us, but it is he that has been my saving grace.

Rewind this whirlwind back several years...back to when it was just the two of us...

When Don and I got married we couldn't wait to start a family...but we decided to take a year to ourselves and get settled in as Mr. & Mrs. Had we known what was ahead of us, we would have started right away. Now that I know what I didn't back then, I always tell people...don't wait, just do it. Have your babies and everything else will fall into place.

One of the things that attracted me to my husband (besides his sense of humor) was how much he loved children. He's practically a child as it is so I knew that he would one day be an unbelievable father and I knew, that I wanted him to be the father of my children. No questions asked.

Don and I tried having a baby for a good year before we found out there was a problem. As each month went by it became harder and harder for me to tell him that it wasn't our month, we weren't pregnant. If you know my husband you know that he is the most positive, upbeat person you've ever met. He's a ray of sunshine. As corny as that sounds it's true! Always a smile on his face. Always a joke to be told. Never a dull moment.

Each negative pregnancy test took a little bit of his sunshine away. I remember one month that I had to deliver the bad news to him. He was down for the rest of the day. When I asked him to talk about it he simply said, "I just want to be dad." It killed me. This man asks for nothing. He owns t-shirts that probably date back to high school. He never buys himself anything nice. He's never been handed a thing and he's extremely grateful for everything he has. Why was he not deserving of the most precious gift? Why did a person this good have to struggle so much for the ONE thing he has ever asked for? It killed me.

After a couple months of tests we found out that the issue with our infertility boiled down to me...and a set of blocked tubes! We had no idea what "infertility" really meant. We knew no one who struggled with this. We were young and completely in over our heads. We had no idea what our future looked like and whether or not we would ever have children. We were scared, but it was Don who kept us together. I was a hot fricken mess 99% of the time, but it was he who pushed me to keep going.

Fast forward to our first IVF treatment. We were very excited. We felt like after all of the struggle we had gone through, we were finally officially on our way to getting pregnant. We finally had a shot at this and we were ready for this moment.

No one in our family knew when our treatment was taking place. We kept it private for a few reasons. One- it was an emotional time. We didn't want a million questions and didn't need anyone to feel sorry for us. Two- it was personal. This was our way to making a baby. It's not like we get phone calls before our family or friends have sex when their trying to get pregnant. No one needed to know when we were "trying" to get pregnant. Three- if we got pregnant, we wanted to be able to celebrate and surprise our family with the great news. We had each other and that's all we needed at the time.

I was put to sleep for the egg retrieval, which I appreciated at the time. It helped calm my nerves and I got a good nap in. Don likes when I'm put to sleep. Probably so he can have five minutes of silence, but mostly so he can get a good laugh in once I come out of anesthesia. When I went under for surgery to try to unblock my tubes I came out asking for a milkshake. I also cracked a few jokes that he still laughs about to this day. The egg retrieval was different though. I knew going in that the doctor needed to collect as many eggs as possible. The more eggs you produce, the more likely you will have at least one viable embryo to be able to transfer. Talk about pressure!

Anyway, according to Don I came out of anesthesia asking how many eggs they got. I asked this question several times over the next half hour and fell back asleep. At one point, I woke up long enough to ask Don a question that I don't remember asking, but I know that I did. I asked him if he regretted marrying me. I couldn't get pregnant on my own and IVF was a path neither of us ever expected to be on- I wondered if he ever thought whether or not married life would be easier with someone else. He later told me about this conversation we had, but I wasn't surprised. I asked a question that I never had the nerve asking while being fully aware. I asked a question that I had wondered about every night I went to sleep.

In case you're wondering, his answer was simple...no regrets. Deep down, I knew this would be his answer, but it felt good to get the confirmation.

It only took one round of IVF for us to get pregnant, but the excitement was soon trumped by every complication we were soon to face.

I mentioned in one of my past posts that I would go into a daze during each appointment with our specialist. I couldn't take the bad news. The fear of what could have been scared the crap out of me. If I hadn't gone into a daze I would sit in the office hysterical and unable to ask any questions. My husband had to function enough for the both of us because I was completely useless. We would leave the appointments and he would have to explain everything to me in words that weren't so foreign. Not only did he act as my interpreter, he also bent over backwards to make the next 8 months as smooth as possible for me...and it wasn't easy. I was put on bed rest right away. Don did everything from cooking and cleaning to making sure I was healthy and happy during every waking moment. He was my strength when I lost all hope. He was my courage when I was petrified to turn the next corner. Thank God for him.

We always wonder why were dealt a shitty hand when it comes to infertility, but now I wonder if it was to help strengthen our relationship even more than it was. During our first consultation with Dr. Binor he told us that IVF would either make us or break us. I thought his comment was a little extreme, but having gone through what we went through, I totally get it. We are stronger as a couple now than we we ever were.

The day Olivia was born it confirmed something I always knew, Don was born to be a Dad. He's a loyal person, a great police officer and an honest soul...but above all, he is a fantastic father.

There are nights I sit back and watch him slow dance with Olivia or have a tea party for two and I know that me and Olivia are the lucky ones. From the moment those two laid eyes on one another, it was love at first sight. As much as he tries to call the shots in this household he knows that she has him wrapped around her little finger. I hope he knows how much she adores him though. She looks up to him and as much as she loves her Mama...it is he that is her hero.

A message to my husband who reads my blog... "to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part"... It feels like just yesterday we stood at the alter and said those very words. I am proud of us. We've come a long way, but we meant what said, didn't we? I love you babe. I am so thankful to walk this crazy road called life with you. Here's to us and our little family. xoxo. 

Thankful...

Ever since becoming a Mom, holidays have an even more special meaning to me. I do my best to make each and every holiday a little more magical for Olivia. I try going above and beyond because in the back of mind I know, she may be my only child. Spoiled? Beyond belief, but I don't mind.

The day I became a mother I also became the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy and Santa Clause. Some people may take these roles for granted...I don't. I've introduced her to these imaginary characters and it is my responsibility to provide the magic to let her imagination run wild. There is an importance to the actions I take in making her holidays special. Thirty years from now I want her to look back at her childhood and have a sense of fulfillment. When Christmas comes around and she is married with kids, I want her to always think of me as she is trying to do good for her own children. I want to be able to look back and know that I did everything in my power to make my daughter feel special.

Last night we stayed up late to make sure the house was clean and her basket was hidden. I grated carrots to make it look like it was nibbled on by an oversized bunny. We put a trail of carrots on the floor leading to the hiding spot. Then we went to bed. I was up every hour last night with excitement for my daughter. She's only two years old and even though she refused to visit the Easter Bunny this year, I know I'll eventually get her to have a change of heart. She will fall in love with this character just like I did when I was a child.

This morning was perfect. Olivia woke up and was amazed by the trail of carrot nibbles. More so that her Mom and Dad allowed a bunny to break in while we were sleeping and make a mess all over the floor. She was even a little disgusted at the bits of carrot that were on her piggies as she was trying to follow the trail. But when her face lit up the moment she found her basket, I knew I got her....she's starting to believe in this fairy tale Easter Bunny and I am loving every single moment.

Even though our morning started off with a bang, my poor little peanut came down with the stomach flu. Never good timing, but we got to be cozy and cuddle in bed watching our friends Mickey and Sheriff Callie. As I type this blog entry, my little love is laying next to me sleeping...

Our Easter day fizzled out too soon, but I am forever grateful for this child. I LOVE that I get to be a Mom, her Mom. Even if I am not blessed with another child, I at least was blessed with this sweet girl and for that, I am thankful.

Look at this sweet face...I mean, come on. 

Easter egg hunt in our jammies this morning...don't mind the lack of makeup :)

Do you remember a few blog entries ago when I was sad and I asked God to let me hold on to these little moments for as long as possible? This is one of those moments. She is sick in bed and she needs her Mama. I can't fathom the day when she will be too old for the Easter Bunny or too cool to snuggle with me. Stay little forever my Olivia. I'm not ready for you to get big yet...

Happy Easter Everyone.

P.S. sorry it's been a while since my last entry...life has been hectic, but I promise I'll get better at this. Not much has changed fertility wise. We're still looking to try again in June. Stay tuned...