What to say, what to say...

National Infertility Awareness Week: Day 3

What to say, what to say? Often times when loved ones are going through a rough time in their life, it's hard to find the right words to say. Some times it is impossible to relate to the pain or frustration one feels.

When we were trying for baby #1 I was venting to my brother about comments made and the lack of sensitivity that I was picking up from some people. Someone would say something to me and you could hear my jaw hit the ground. Deep down I knew most people had good intentions, but the words that would come out of their mouths would make me build a wall and I would ultimately go into hiding. I never wanted to answer the phone, a conversation about our situation was almost impossible to have with me and I was beyond fragile from an emotional standpoint that any single comment that was taken the wrong way would have sent me right over the edge. After crying to my brother about a conversation that took place earlier he calmed me down and said, "No one knows what to say to you. Everyone wants to be there for you, but we can't relate, so what do we say?"

I was quiet for a second. I knew this much already, but it was the first time someone said that they didn't know what to say to me. He wasn't trying to diagnose me. He didn't criticize or question decisions made. He didn't tell me to get a second opinion. He just said, he couldn't relate. He didn't know what to say. That's when I said, "Perfect. Don't say anything at all. Hold my hand and let me cry. That's all I want."

My brother, he was my and Don's shield when we were going through our pregnancy with Olivia. He fielded our calls. He kept people out of our home. I would tell him test results and he would inform everyone else. He always knew when I was in and out of the hospital. I never wanted a crowd so he would keep quiet whenever we hit another bump in the road. Chances are always good that if something is going on with me, he is the one who knows everything...and vise versa.

Pete never asked me any questions. He listened. He observed from a distance. Most times he was very uncomfortable knowing the gruesome details, but he was there for us nonetheless. He drove an hour with dinner he prepared just so we had a home cooked meal. I always knew he had a loss for words, but it was his presence that we needed most.

Going through any kind of fertility treatment is never a walk in the park. It's physically and emotionally taxing. Trying to get pregnant is like a full time job. Listen, I've been stuck with plenty of needles, I've taken every sort of medication there is to take and pretty much every doctor, nurse and resident at Rush has seen my lady parts...I assure you, unless you've gone through it, you can't relate so please, for the sake of ones sanity- don't try to find words of wisdom. There are no words.

I've put together a list of comments that have been said to me and my husband. I did this last year and thought it would be good to bring it back for old times sake. With three more IVF attempts, I've been able to add a few comments since then.

This is a list of what NOT to say to a person/couple going through infertility.

- When are you going to start having kids!?
   Don't ever ask this question. To anyone. You have no idea what is going on behind closed doors.
- At least you're young!
   Right...however, I can't freeze time. I just keep getting older. My "youth" hasn't helped me much. 
- It will happen when you stop trying so hard
   This just sounds stupid.
- There's always IVF!
   Easy-peasy! There's always IVF. There's also always the cost of IVF, the side effects of IVF, the risks of IVF, the emotional roller coaster of IVF, the weight gain of IVF, the hundreds of needles of IVF, the NO GUARANTEE of IVF...but yes, there is always IVF isn't there?
- Giuliana Rancic did IVF! You should look into her doctor.
   I wonder if Giuliana will let me borrow money so I can have the same resources she has? 
- Have you looked into adoption? You should try to get on a list just in case
   There is nothing against adoption, but YOU telling me to look into adoption means you don't have any hope that I can get pregnant myself. Also, adopting a baby is just as hard if not harder for a couple who has no political or hollywood ties. 
- Get drunk and have sex. It works for everyone
   Shit, why didn't I think of this? I should ask my doctor to write me a prescription for a bottle of rum and we'll be on our way!
- It only took us one try
   Go f*ck yourself :)
- How has it not worked for you guys!? It's time to get a new doctor.
   Curious, where did you get your medical degree from?
- Can I ask how much you guys pay for treatment? Just curious.
   No you may not!
- Whose fault is it that you guys can't get pregnant?
   Mine. It is my "fault". Thank you for pointing that out. 
- It could be worse, you could have a disease of some kind?
   Thank you for that reality check. Infertility is a disease. No, I will not die from infertility, but that doesn't mean I don't hurt from my loss. Don't one up me with by throwing that in my face. 
- At least you have Olivia!
   There is no one in this world more grateful for my child however, should we only be aloud to have one? Last time I checked the Duggar's have something like 19 kids. Curious as to why I struggle having one?
- It will happen! Think positive.
   How do you know? Can you guarantee me that it will happen? When? How many more attempts do we have to go through? If I had a penny for every time I thought positive, but got a shitty outcome I wouldn't have to save so hard for our trip to Disney. 

This is a list of what TO say to a person/couple going through infertility.

******crickets*******

Do you hear that? Shhhhhhh.....

Nothing. You say nothing. 

You sit and you listen. You're a shoulder to cry on. You're a hand to hold. You're company when their lonely. You're their biggest support. You are their friend when they need you the most.