Sometimes time gets away from you...

Life has been busy...that's my only excuse from taking a break from blogging. Between Olivia starting preschool, to work schedules, family functions and life in general...things have been crazy...but I'm back! Miss me??

Good things have been going on along with some not so good things, but we've been rolling with the punches and always thankful for a new day. 

September 26 we welcomed our handsome nephew, Ian to our family. He is happy and healthy and I can't wait to watch him grow! He was a missing puzzle piece to our family and we are beyond thankful for this little guy...

Handsome boy!

The Walk of Hope was fantastic. We raised a bunch of money and walked with some of our loved ones to show support to those who suffer with Infertility. Thank you to all those who participated and donated! Your support never goes unnoticed. 

Our miracle. Isn't she just perfect?

 Showing love to our angels...always with us.

In October we took a much needed family vacation to our most favorite place on earth, Disney World! I've always been a huge fan of Disney, but even more so now that I'm a mom. Experiencing "Disney Magic" through your child's eyes is priceless- worth every penny! Plus it was great to get away and escape reality for a bit. 

Halloween was so much fun. This was the first year Olivia picked her own costume (not gonna lie, it hurt a bit that I couldn't pick it for her). She wasn't a fan of her school Halloween parade, but she loved dressing up and trick-or-treating with her cousins. Weather bit us in the butt yet again, but kids from the Midwest are tough and total troopers. I was proud of our little people...

A couple weeks ago I took Olivia to the park and brought my camera with (I know, shocking, right?). It was just the two of us...laughing, playing, getting dirty. I snapped pictures of her goofing off and well, just being a kid. When I got home later I looked at the pictures and couldn't help but notice how big she's gotten over the past few months. People always say you forget how little they are, but I don't agree. I haven't forgotten. Maybe that's because I scroll through the 3000+ pictures I have on my phone on a daily basis, or maybe it's because I'm holding on so tight to her baby years because I'm no where near being ready for her to grow up and get big. Regardless, it's happening. She's getting big and the baby in her is slowly fading and all I can do is sit back and capture every single moment of this kids life. Gulp. As mature as I try to be, I feel like throwing a crying fit every time I pack away the clothes she's grown out of. My God, time goes by way too fast. 

Fast forward to today- and here we are. And I know what you're wondering...I mean, that is the point of my blog anyway, right? 

I mentioned in past blogs that I've been having some health issues. It's been since June and I have yet to be diagnosed with anything. I just recently changed all of my doctors and hope to have better luck. My next appointment is with a Rheumatologist in a couple of weeks. I'm not hopeful that he'll be able to help, but I'm rolling with the punches and doing as I'm told. 

With that said, the next IVF round has yet to be scheduled, but my HOPE and plan is to do another round in February- which means I'll have to make the call right after Christmas. I've gone back and forth in my head as to whether or not I should move forward, but I still have no answers and it's been 5 months! I'm not getting any younger, I want another baby and I promised this kid a sibling! So as of today, the plan is February. Deep breath...

Say a little prayer that we get some answers and I start feeling better. 2015 was suppose to be my year (at least that's what I told myself on New Years Eve). I just want to feel better and move on with my life. Is that too much to ask?

Before I sign off for tonight I wanted to share one more picture....

My family. Not complete, but perfect nonetheless. I mean, look at that kid. She takes my breath away. 

Oops! One more...

Perfection. 

There. I'm done now. Goodnight friends. 

Walk of Hope

Hello! Hello!

Feel free to join us at the Walk of Hope this Sunday! Below is our team link.

http://familybuilding.resolve.org/site/TR/WalkofHope2016/WalkofHope?px=2079023&pg=personal&fr_id=1310

Hope to see you there!

So what's the status?

I've been getting these questions a lot lately from people who follow my blog...what's going on? How's the fertility situation going? When is your next IVF round?

I wish I could answer the question, but unfortunately IVF is still on hold :(

Life has been crazy and I've been dealing with medical issues since June 14...not that I'm keeping track or anything. I've met with all sorts of doctors and unfortunately still searching for a diagnosis. I am frustrated beyond belief as I feel my own life has been put on hold.

The clock is ticking for Baby #2- I hear it tick in my head all day every day. As much as I want (and sometimes do) say it's not fair, I try my best to keep focus on my Olivia. Dr. Binor has always said that he thought something internally was going on with my body that wouldn't allow me to carry another child. After two years of him saying this, I know he was right.

Since early June I've had dozens and dozens of symptoms that tend to completely change after so many weeks. I've been dizzy, nauseous, fatigued, hot, cold, jittery, swollen, flushed, burning- and the list goes on. Once I think I've figured out triggers, the next day offers something different. As of right now I know it's positional, sensitive to hot/cold, caffeine and stress. So far I've met with Neurologists, Cardiologists, Electrophysiologist and an Endocrinologist. They've ruled out Lupus, MS, Carcinoid Syndrome, Adrenal failure, Brain tumor/swelling/aneurysm.

Next appointment is with an Immunologist to test for Mast Cell Activation. I've been doing my research and though I have some symptoms, I'm not confident that this is the answer. Perhaps I'm just being a negative nelly, but something tells me that the journey to getting a diagnosis is far out of reach at this point. The light at the end of the tunnel feels non existent.

Until I get a diagnosis- I will have to put IVF to the side. Definitely not what I want, but it's what's needed.

Thanks to those who have thought of me and checked in. The support means so much.

Cross your fingers and say a little prayer that I'll get some answers next week...eek!

Never forget, always remember

September 11th.

September 11th is a day that every American gives a moment of silence, remembrance and gratitude. It's a day we all stop for a moment and thank God for the life we have been given. It's a day we are truly grateful for second chances. September 11th is a day that everyone is kind to one another and values their simple life. September 11th is the day out of the year that hatred no longer exists. It's a quiet day. Heartache is inevitable but it is also a day that brings peace, hope, wonder and silence. September 11th was by far the ugliest day that has ever existed on American soil, but it has brought strength and unity to a country that sometimes takes all that for granted. Our September 11 angels will never be forgotten as they have left all of us Americans the truest definition of love, life, strength and courage.

Don't let September 11th be the only day out of the year to be truly grateful for the little moments. I challenge all to be a little kinder to the every day stranger. Smile and say good morning to the person walking beside you. Thank a service member for the sacrifice they make for YOU. Buy a coffee for a total stranger. Compliment your loved one. Thank a friend for always listening. Enjoy the ability to take a walk...to come and go as you please.

Your life may not be perfect. Times may be tough. Health could be stronger. You might be a few dollars short this month. You might have hopes and dreams that seem out of reach. Your heart might be broken. Your faith may be shaken. Regardless of what you're going through, you're still standing. You've been blessed with another day to live freely and breathe the deepest of breaths.

There are simple gestures we can all do to make our world a little kinder. Thousands of Americans were robbed of their lives and we owe it to them to be thankful and grateful on all days, not just September 11th. September 11th is a day for remembrance. All other days are simply a gift. We are not owed tomorrow and next year is never a guarantee.

September 11th, never forget, always remember.

Dear Olivia...

Dear Olivia,

Today is your first day of 3 year old Preschool. Who said you could get so big???

Mommy and Daddy just dropped you off at your new big girl school. You took the hand of a teacher and walked into the school with your head up. Not a single tear. As for your parents...neither of us left with a dry eye. Me personally, my heart hurts.  I've been preparing myself for a year now that this day would be coming, but not once did I ever imagine that it would get here so fast.

It feels like just yesterday I was standing in line at the grocery store trying to calm you as you were crying your little head off. Trying to balance a cart full or groceries and a hysterically hungry two month old made me feel like a stunt devil trying to accomplish the impossible. It was just then that the lady in front of us looked at me with a little chuckle and said, "It gets easier and it goes by in a flash. Take it in." I'll never forget those words. As hard as it was that day in the grocery store I remember thinking, "well I hope it doesn't go too fast..."

And here we are, 3 years later. Growing up I always measured a year by how many more months it would take for another birthday of my own. We all know your Mom loves a good birthday party. And though I take pride in throwing your little birthday parties, it pains me to see another year in the books. If time could just slow down a smidge...that's my biggest wish these days.

It's no secret, your Dad and I worked real hard to get you. We prayed, struggled, and cried many a night until the day you were born. You were and are worth every ounce of pain we ever endured. You define the meaning of life. Having you as our child has brought so much joy into our lives. We are grateful for you. We have made it a point to take in every single memory we have created for you. We try going above and beyond so you know how special you are. I hope you know how much you are loved.

This past winter I researched the best of the best schools for our little Olivia. I looked up reviews, I heard recommendations and I spoke with schools and had them tell me why they were "the best". I interviewed them, they didn't interview me. I thought long and hard about what school you would go to. This was a big deal for us because you've never spent a day in daycare and have never spent a moment without a family member looking after you, keeping you safe.

Your Dad and I went to the orientation of your new big girl school and immediately fell in love. Walking in we had our guard up. We needed to feel comfortable with our decision and leaving that day we had no doubt that you would be safe and happy. We both said that we had to make the most of the coming months. We needed to keep you little for as long as we could.

Last night was hard for me (your Dad has been crying for days). I prayed that you would love school and that they would teach you great things while keeping you safe. The thought of dropping off my 3 year old didn't sit well with me. I kept toying with the idea of perhaps waiting another year- or how about home school!? But no, this is what's best for you. This is your time to fly.

Olivia...I hope you love it. I hope you love the school we picked for you. I hope you love your teacher and all of the friends you are about to meet. You're shy just like your Mama. I hope you come out of your little shell and show the world how special you are. I hope you dream the biggest dream. There is no impossible for you, the possibilities are endless. I hope you love to learn. I hope you learn to tackle any challenge that comes your way. From the day you were born we have always wanted the best for you. I hope you want the best for yourself too.

You are going to do great. I can't wait to see what the future holds for you. I am constantly talking about you and bragging to family and friends. I'll do this for the rest of my life because you make me so proud. Your kindness shines through your face. I bet you're going to come home today with a dozen friends. Who wouldn't want to be friends with my Olivia!?

As for us (Mommy and Daddy)- we'll be ok. No matter how big you are, no matter how old you are, you will always be our baby. Just promise you won't get too big too fast. It will still be cool watching Frozen and Mickey Clubhouse with your parents on a Saturday night when you're 16. Right?

Dream big, Olivia Hope. The world is in the palm of your hands.

I love you, my little Lulu. I'll see you when the dismissal bell rings (in 64 minutes).

Love,
Mommy

PS- Your Daddy chose the white milk. I would have picked chocolate.


Olivia did great!!

Her parents, not so much...

It's been a while...

It's been a while....sorry about that!

Last we spoke I mentioned that we would be trying again in July. We unfortunately had to put IVF to the side as I have been dealing with some medical issues the past couple of months. Nothing too serious, at least I hope not, but no answers as of yet.

My goal is to hurry up and feel better so we can sneak a round in come September. It seems like a long shot at this point, but I am doing everything I can to get to where I need to be. I can't risk losing anymore embryos if my body isn't 100%.

Though I have been beyond frustrated with the constant bumps in the road, I am coming out of this with a genuine appreciation for life and good health. Not that I didn't appreciate life before my feeling ill, but I definitely took for granted the fact that every single healthy day is truly a gift.

Aside from not feeling so hot, we were able to celebrate some awesome family moments this summer which has been a great distraction.


These two made their engagement official and we are looking forward to their big day next month!

*my cousin Tyler & his fiance, Stephanie


We officially have a little Ballerina in our house! My Olivia started dance class. I danced my whole life so this was a BIG mama moment. She loved it!





My little love turned 3! What?????? Say it isn't so, this kid is growing up...WAY. TOO. FAST.




Welcome to the world Miss Lilly!!! Our cousin Chris and his wife Shelby welcomed a healthy beautiful little girl into our family.



Cousin reunion!! Our niece, Quinn came to Chicago for a visit! We hadn't seen this little munchkin for quite some time. Her and Olivia were attached at the hip and had the greatest time together. Can't wait to see her again soon!



That's it in a nutshell...so far! We have lots more exciting things going on in the coming months. And, hopefully I'll have some good news to report once I get cleared for another round of IVF. Until then...thank you for all of the support and thank you for following my story!

Talk soon...

It wasn't meant to be...

It's not our turn. Not yet.

I woke up at 3am with confirmation that this IUI attempt was another failed round. I didn't need to wait until Friday's pregnancy test. I got my period. 

Angry. I laid in bed angry. Why does it have to be so hard? Why do we have to struggle? Why does it come so natural for most couples? We're good parents...no, we are great parents. We appreciate every single moment. We are thankful for the little girl we have been blessed with. We recognize the miracle a tiny little life truly is. Yet, we struggle. 

So I laid in bed angry and bitter. I thought it was an appropriate reaction and was proud of myself for not going into hysterics...but then I took a shower. As soon as the water hit my face I lost it. No longer angry, just heartbroken. My body continues to let me down and I have zero control. I can hope and pray until I am blue in the face, but it won't change anything. I sat in the bathroom and texted my brother. I knew he would be awake and I needed to lean on him in order to get the courage to go to work today. I felt bad that Don was sleeping, unaware of what took place the past few hours, but he needed his sleep and I didn't want him to wake up to his crying wife. I waited to tell him until he called me when he woke up. To be honest, he didn't seem to be surprised. I think he expected it which helped me break the news this time. 

It's funny, I actually had a good feeling this round. The past couple of weeks I've been seeing butterflies randomly flying around me. When I was younger, my Godfather passed away and my Grandma told me that every time I see a butterfly that that would be a sign that it was him checking up on me. Might sound funny, but I find comfort and get a little smile every time the little guy flies my way. The day before Olivia's egg retrieval Don and I went to breakfast and sat next to a window. During the entire breakfast a butterfly sat on the window next to me. It was a sign. And though that pregnancy brought me more pain than I could ever imagine, it also brought me the love of my life.

A couple weeks ago I took Olivia to the park and a butterfly kept flying around me. I stood there and smiled and thought, "This is it. It's going to work." Then on Sunday every time I walked outside there he was...a little butterfly flying all around. A good sign...I was sure of it. Unfortunately it didn't mean anything. I'm sitting here crying and completely disappointed. Maybe it wasn't suppose to be a sign of hope. Maybe it was more of a "I am here and you will be ok". 

So now I'm digging deep to find strength that I'm not sure I have. I talked to my doctor who said that the original plan of a few IUI rounds is now in the garbage. We will move forward with IVF. I start prepping for the next round tomorrow. Emotionally not ready, but what does that matter? This will be attempt #7. I'm starting to lose track, but if memory serves me correct the past year and a half has brought...

IVF Fail- 3

Ectopic- 1

Miscarriage- 1

IUI Fail- 1

The actual IVF will take place in July. It's going to be a long month, but hopefully the family get togethers and summer sunshine will keep me busy...not to mention my Olivia. She's a good distraction. 

No doubt I will cry the remainder of today, but I will have to get it together because I have a 3 year old princess party to throw next week for my munchkin. 

These tears...they're painful. I tell myself to throw in the towel, but my heart keeps telling me to keep trying. I just wonder if my dream is too far out of reach. Is it not meant to be? I struggle with this thought every single day. I wish I had the answer. 

A couple months ago I texted my brother saying "so&so is pregnant and I'm jealous :("...he said he was sorry that I was feeling that way.  Then a few hours later I got a text from him saying, "I think you should know that you have it all and that most people are jealous of you." I cried...he's right. 

I am struggling, but should this not work out, I am still a Mom at the end of the day to a healthy, beautiful little girl. Thank God for that. 

"It's having hope which requires having guts. So wear your heart on your sleeve and if it bleeds, let it, so long as it still beats" ~ Juhani Aho

UPDATE-

A few hours after writing this entry, a little friend came to comfort me. It's a sign for sure, but more than anything he gave me hope and comfort. It's funny how life works. Just when you think you're down and out, a little sign tells you to keep going. 

The wait continues...

Every couple who goes through fertility treatments is well aware of the "two week wait."It's just that two weeks. 14 days. Doesn't sound too bad, right? Wrong. It's brutal. It is TWO. LONG. ASS. WEEKS. Each day seems like a week. Each week seems like a month. It's short enough for family and friends who are cheering the couple on, but it's long enough for the patient to create scenarios in her mind after the most minute little ache, cramp or gas bubble. 

Me personally, this past week I have diagnosed myself at least twice a day. I have called it quits, I have congratulated myself and I have felt sorry for myself...sometimes all three in a single day. I have researched names and nursery themes and wondered what it would be like to be a Mother of two. I have cried and thrown fits because the cramp I just got on my left side must be a sign that this is nothing more than another failed attempt. 

It's brutal. The two week wait brings nothing but "what ifs", desperate prayers and an upset stomach. Every time I find myself back in this wait I wonder why I keep doing this to myself. 

Here's why...

Because I can almost feel it. I want that feeling of instant love like I had the second I held Olivia. I can picture myself laying on the couch at two in the morning with a sleeping baby on my chest. I want Olivia to be a big sister. I want her to have a sibling just as much as I want another child for my own selfish reasons. I want to watch this child sleep. I want to spoil this baby and not share him/her with anyone else. I want to feel complete. I want my family to be complete. 

I can feel it. I can see it. We are so close...

Today marked one week. One more week and we'll find out whether or not this dream is becoming a reality. Friends and family keep checking in and ask how I'm feeling. The one question is always, "What's your gut telling you? Do you feel anything?"

My gut is telling me that it's 15 pounds overweight and I feel an extra roll (ok two) that hangs over my pants. Other than that..

I'm uncomfortable, My belly is sore. I thought it was a sign of good things to come, but it's too early to tell. During my ultrasound today they confirmed that my body released one, maybe two eggs. I was disappointed, but they were thrilled. She said that's exactly how many they want and that anymore could have put us in a situation just like Olivia's pregnancy. And though I appreciate the road of caution, I wanted all four follicles to produce eggs. We did IVF for a year and a half straight, we went through 9 embryos...and all 9 embryos ended in either a failed attempt or a failed pregnancy. More than an egg or two is what I had hoped for. 

I have one follicle that is still sitting pretty...pretty large and causing quite a bit of pain in my abdomen. Today's ultrasound was so painful I almost had a panic attack and went into hysterics the second I got home. 

I'm tired. This week was a long week and next week will be even longer. I have butterflies in my stomach and I'm going to lose my mind should I have to wait any longer. 

I appreciate everyone's love and support. It's so nice hearing from friends from past time and new friends who have been following our journey. The words of encouragement has put a smile on my face and has helped make this process a smidge easier. 

Please wish us luck and say a little prayer. 

To be continued....

Big day tomorrow!

Here we go, here we go!

Yesterday was a good day. We got the green light to move forward with a DOUBLE IUI! Not only that, but my follicles are looking good and we're ready to get this party started. 

A double IUI is literally two IUI treatments. As long as insurance approves the procedures and as long as your body cooperates- a double IUI is meant to help boost your chances in getting pregnant. This is a good thing. IUI has a lower success rate than IVF, so I am very excited that we get to do a double treatment. Dr. B was unsure at first because my body tends to overproduce follicles, but they put me on a lower dose of Follistim which helped keep the number of follicles at an appropriate level. 

My ultrasound was yesterday and it showed 4 mature follicles. There are follicles producing on the right side however, at a slower pace which means we most likely won't be able to use them. 

Physically I'm starting to feel a little more uncomfortable. My belly is big and a little tender. Other than that I am doing OK. Trying to keep calm and optimistic- a big difference from where I was at last winter. 

Tonight is my Ovidrel injection. This helps push the the egg out. 

Tomorrow is IUI #1. Friday is IUI #2.

At this point we hope and pray. I tell myself not to get my hopes up, but the closer we get to the procedure the more nervously excited I get. 

I want this. I really, really want this. Please let this be it. 

Wish us luck...we need it!

"There's no telling how many miles you have to run while chasing a dream." ~Anonymous

Here we go again...

Here we go....

I feel like we were just doing these injections. Our little break went faster than I thought, but here we are. Ready to start up another round. This round is different though. We've only done fresh and frozen IVF cycles. This round will be our first IUI. The chances of success aren't as high, but it buys us some time when it comes to medical benefits (which is a whole other post). My tubes have failed me in the past, but I have to believe that one will be strong enough to carry us through. Most important, Dr. B believes it could work, so I have to share that same belief...right?

I can picture it. I can picture a positive pregnancy test. I picture myself being pregnant again. I can picture baby #2. Months ago I lost this vision, but it's back and I want this more than words can express.

The chances are against me, I know this. But, I've won this battle in the past and I will win it again. Olivia is my proof that miracles exist.

So, here we go. Happy thoughts. My first injection is tonight.

Round #6, be good to us. Baby #2, we are so ready for you!

Let's do this.

My name is Mom.

My name is Mom. I hear my name called a couple hundred times a day...and it never gets old.

I always knew I wanted to be a Mom, but I never knew HOW MUCH I wanted to be a Mom. There's a difference.

I fell in love, married my best friend, owned a home and had a decent job- it was only natural that adding a child to the mix was the next adventure in life. It was suppose to be an easy task. It was a give in...right? Never in my wildest dreams did I ever, for a second think that we would struggle having children. After we had Olivia I kind of thought that baby #2 would be a breeze. In the back of my mind I thought a second child was owed to us after all of the struggle we had to go through with Olivia's pregnancy. Now I am at the point that I am losing track of the number of attempts, the medications, the loss. The heartache is a reminder that nothing in life is ever owed to you. Children aren't a "give in". You are not guaranteed a pregnancy, let alone a healthy pregnancy.

Today is Mother's Day. I know and understand the meaning of today. It's not to have your husband and children do chores around the house or make you a nice meal. It's not about the card, flowers or gift they give you. It's about being a Mom. It's a celebration of that gift of being able to BE someone else's Mom. It's about being the best Mom you know how to be. To appreciate the fact that you have a little someone to tuck in at night. To appreciate the fact that your house is a mess because your happy child likes to take every single toy they own out and not put it back. It's knowing how lucky you are to be able to celebrate this Hallmark holiday.

Though a great day for most, there are too many shedding tears of heartbreak, lost hope and the fear of what may never be. Mother's Day is a painful day for those who ache for the ultimate miracle in life. I've thought of these people all day. I pray for them every night. I know their tears as I've been down that same dark road before. To all of those whom are wishing and hoping today and every day, I hear you. I share that same dream of yours and I am wishing and hoping great things for you. Have faith. Your day will come. To all of the already existing Mommy's...be thankful. Hug your babies extra tight tonight.

I am thankful for every single day I have with my daughter. Her constant smile and laughter makes me feel like I am doing something right. Today just isn't about be me being her Mom, but it's about the two of us and the special bond that we share. This morning, as the two of us drove to breakfast we blasted, "Let it Go" and sang our hearts out. It was a complete out of pitch duet, but I couldn't think of anything other than how awesome it was that my little mini-me was sitting in the back seat singing with me, her Mom.

I am grateful for this day and every day after. I am blessed beyond belief that Olivia Hope is mine...all mine!

Olivia, you can call me Mom a million times a day and I will always answer. You can (and will) continue to bust through the bathroom door when you have something you feel is urgent to tell me. You can push me away after I tackle you to the ground giving you dozens of kisses and hugs, but I will always have a hug and kiss saved for you. You can ask for Daddy when you're mad at me, but I know you still love me anyway. You can think your Mom is a total goofball, but I will continue to stand on my head to make you laugh. You can stain your shirt 5 minutes after I take the tags off, chances are I bought a second just in case. You can pretend you didn't hear me when I said no more M&Ms, but I know you heard me, did you notice I snuck a few more too?

You are my greatest accomplishment. My pride and joy. Thank you for being you. I love every ounce of being your Mommy.

Happy Mother's Day to us!

There is a quote for everything....

National Infertility Awareness Week: Day 5

When I get sad I read quotes. I feel there is a quote for everything, no matter what the situation is. Whether you're in love, going through a breakup, looking for strength, needing a laugh or needing a little bit of home...there's a quote for it.

Since starting my blog I have received several emails from women facing the same struggle. Some are just starting their journey, some have been on this road for quite some time. In every email I hear sadness and fear and it makes me sad for them. I wish I could give words of wisdom, but I too am still trying to figure it all out. I wish I could give each person a hug and tell them their dream will one day come true, but I can't make any promises. Life doesn't always work out the way we've planned.

I email back every person who contacts me. I tell them I care because I sincerely do. I tell them I am now their friend (whether they were looking for a new friend or not) and I tell them I will be their shoulder to cry on. I also usually send each person a quote that has helped me out. Sometimes it's nice to know that there are words out there that mean something or words that you can relate to. Might sound corny, but some words will light a fire in someone and give them another ounce of hope- or a nudge to take a new risk or go on a new adventure. When I feel like I don't have an ounce of hope left...I read quotes.

Here are some of the quotes that mean something to me.

"...with a baby or without, you are valuable, you are whole. And you matter..."

"Sometimes the bad things that happen in our lives put us directly on the path to the best things that will ever happen to us."

"There is a unique pain that comes from preparing a place in your heart for a child that never comes."

"Be patient. Sometimes you have to go through the worst to get the best."

"My entire life can be described in one sentence: It didn't go a planned, and that's ok."

"Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength."

"The longer you wait for something the more you'll appreciate it when you get it. Cause anything worth having, is definitely worth waiting..."

"Broken crayons still color" (This one makes me chuckle)

"Don't think about what can happen in a month. Don't think you about what can happen in a year. Just focus on the 24 hours in front of you and do what you can to get closer to where you want to be."

"Dear God, I've tried my best, but if today I lose hope, please tell me that your plans are better than my dreams."

"You can break down a woman temporarily, but a real woman will always pick up the pieces. rebuild herself and come back even stronger than ever!"

"True strength is holding it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart."

"Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be."

"Life is a series of thousands of tiny miracles. Notice them."

"Because you are alive anything is possible."

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."

"Always smile back at little children. To ignore them is to destroy their belief that the world is good."

"I believe in love at first sight...because I'm a mom."

It all began with a brown bag

National Infertility Awareness Week: Day 4

Hello, tonight's blog is being written by Courtney's husband, Don.  Courtney asked if I would document my view point on our journey through infertility.  I will start off by apologizing.  I am no where near as talented a writer as my wife.  I type with two fingers and grammar and spelling has never been my strong suit.  But over the past five years, if I have learned anything, it is how to deal with difficult situations... so I think I can do this.

I met my wife through her brother, Pete.  Pete is the closest friend I have ever had.  We met the first week of college and have been close ever since.  You might ask if it was strange dating a friend's sister, wondering if the relationship went south would I lose a friend with it.  But after a few dates with Courtney, I was willing to risk anything to be with her.

I will not go into all the details of our marriage, since I know Courtney has touched on most it.  Just know that I met my soul mate in Courtney. The term "soul mate" gets tossed around a lot as a term of endearment.  But when I say soul mate, I mean that I found the one person in the world that I would do anything for, and she would do anything for me.  I would rather fight with Courtney then laugh with anyone else.

Courtney never told me what to write in this blog but I am going to assume that she wanted me to write a male perspective on infertility.  During infertility the attention if often directed, and rightfully so, on the woman.  After all  they are the ones going through multiple doctor appointments, wave after wave of injections, enough pills to kill a horse and lets not forget the mood swings... of sweet Jesus the mood swings.  I can't comment on how husbands in general deal with it, I can only tell you how I deal with it.

I never thought this was how I was going to to get my family started but no one knows the cards they going to be dealt.  Infertility was a foreign word to me, in that I did not know anyone that had to deal with it before.  I quickly came to terms with the issues we were facing, the issues Courtney was facing and that I was completely helpless in making things better.  I thought of something my dad once told me.  "A boy does what he wants to do, a man does what he needs to do".  At that moment I put on my big boy pants and did everything I could do to make sure that Courtney never felt alone in this battle and that she would never be made to feel that she was at fault for it.  No one was... some times you are given a shitty go at a part in your life.  It's easy to be a loving, caring husband when everything is going smoothly, it's when your back is against the wall you find out if you truly met your soul mate.

I tried to never cry in front of Courtney.  Don't get me wrong, I cried with Courtney during our struggles but I never initiated it.  I tried to be some sort of constant for her during this.  My time to cry was in the car, to and from work.  While Courtney was on bed rest during the pregnancy, in between the miscarriage and the reduction, I cried harder then I have ever cried in my life.  I kept this to myself, the last thing I wanted to do was put additional stress onto my already stressed out wife.  What I did, and what I strongly suggest to all the husbands out there, is to find someone that you can talk to.  Someone who you trust and someone that you know will keep their mouth shut and listen.  I wished I did that more, I think there would of been less crying session in my work mini-van if I would of done that.

Another way I dealt with this was with my sense of humor.  I tried to find the lighter side of certain situations, that way I could laugh at a not-so-funny moment.  Sometimes all you can do is either laugh or cry... I prefer to laugh.  One of those situations was how my daughter was conceived.

My story began in a bathroom...

In a hospital...

By myself...

I know, not the sexiest of ways to make a baby but nothing about infertility is sexy or normal.  During the day of our embryo retrieval, shortly after Courtney was taken out of the room for the procedure, a nurse I never met before came into the room and told me it was time for me to do my part.  I was caught off guard.  I don't know why that took me by surprise, it wasn't like I was expecting dinner but I quickly shook it off.  The nurse handed me a cup and began to walk out of the room.  I stopped her and asked her where I was suppose to do, "my part".  I was expecting some type of sterile room in a secured and secret location but was quickly brought down to earth when the nurse pointed to the bathroom.  The bathroom was a shared bathroom with the outpatient recovery room next to ours.  Once you were in the bathroom, for safety reasons, you were unable to lock the doors behind you.  I think the nurse was able to see the color leave my face and the look of terror come across it when she said I could go up to Dr. B's office if that made me feel more comfortable.  I thought to myself, should I go to our bathroom and take the risk of the 70 year old wife of the man in the other room next to us getting his knee replaced coming in while I was doing "my part" or go to the office across the hospital.  I took my cup and walked myself to Dr. B's office.

Once at the office... and fast forward to spare you any unnecessary details,  I met with the nurse to let  her know I was done with "my part" and asked if some special team was coming to take it to the transfer.  The nurse informed me that I can just take it down to the outpatient surgery room and give it to the nurses.  The outpatient surgery department and Dr. B's office was on the complete opposite end of the hospital.  All I could mustard was an awkward / embarrassed look on my face, no words.  The nurse asked if I would like to put my cup into a container to take downstairs.  Again no words, just an awkward / embarrassed look but this time I was able to add a nod.  The nurse handed me a brown paper lunch bag, the same type of bag that most of society takes their PB&J's to work or school in.

So there I went, leaving the office with the brown bag in hand probably the most embarrassed I have ever been in my entire life.

I'm sure at this point my wife is reading this, getting red in the face, wondering why in the hell did she ever think letting me do a blog entry would be a good idea.  This is why... to all the husbands out their you will be doing things that make you uncomfortable.  Whether its giving your wife intramuscular injections, going through blood tests, going to doctor appointment after doctor appointment or doing "your part" in the bathroom of a doctor's office.  It's all tough, but you are not doing it alone, you are doing it with your soul mate.  And hopefully you can find some comfort knowing that you aren't the first person to do it.

Though my story isn't the most sexiest, it is by far the most beautiful.  It is the most beautiful because that lead to my Olivia.  All of the things that you will go through will lead you to your Olivia.
You are not alone, your quiet sacrifice is not going unnoticed.  Your main purpose in this stage of your life is to be a constant source of reassurance and support to your wife, but do not feel that you need to go at it alone.  It is alright to talk to people about it and it is alright to struggle with it at times but remember

... the juice is worth the squeeze

What to say, what to say...

National Infertility Awareness Week: Day 3

What to say, what to say? Often times when loved ones are going through a rough time in their life, it's hard to find the right words to say. Some times it is impossible to relate to the pain or frustration one feels.

When we were trying for baby #1 I was venting to my brother about comments made and the lack of sensitivity that I was picking up from some people. Someone would say something to me and you could hear my jaw hit the ground. Deep down I knew most people had good intentions, but the words that would come out of their mouths would make me build a wall and I would ultimately go into hiding. I never wanted to answer the phone, a conversation about our situation was almost impossible to have with me and I was beyond fragile from an emotional standpoint that any single comment that was taken the wrong way would have sent me right over the edge. After crying to my brother about a conversation that took place earlier he calmed me down and said, "No one knows what to say to you. Everyone wants to be there for you, but we can't relate, so what do we say?"

I was quiet for a second. I knew this much already, but it was the first time someone said that they didn't know what to say to me. He wasn't trying to diagnose me. He didn't criticize or question decisions made. He didn't tell me to get a second opinion. He just said, he couldn't relate. He didn't know what to say. That's when I said, "Perfect. Don't say anything at all. Hold my hand and let me cry. That's all I want."

My brother, he was my and Don's shield when we were going through our pregnancy with Olivia. He fielded our calls. He kept people out of our home. I would tell him test results and he would inform everyone else. He always knew when I was in and out of the hospital. I never wanted a crowd so he would keep quiet whenever we hit another bump in the road. Chances are always good that if something is going on with me, he is the one who knows everything...and vise versa.

Pete never asked me any questions. He listened. He observed from a distance. Most times he was very uncomfortable knowing the gruesome details, but he was there for us nonetheless. He drove an hour with dinner he prepared just so we had a home cooked meal. I always knew he had a loss for words, but it was his presence that we needed most.

Going through any kind of fertility treatment is never a walk in the park. It's physically and emotionally taxing. Trying to get pregnant is like a full time job. Listen, I've been stuck with plenty of needles, I've taken every sort of medication there is to take and pretty much every doctor, nurse and resident at Rush has seen my lady parts...I assure you, unless you've gone through it, you can't relate so please, for the sake of ones sanity- don't try to find words of wisdom. There are no words.

I've put together a list of comments that have been said to me and my husband. I did this last year and thought it would be good to bring it back for old times sake. With three more IVF attempts, I've been able to add a few comments since then.

This is a list of what NOT to say to a person/couple going through infertility.

- When are you going to start having kids!?
   Don't ever ask this question. To anyone. You have no idea what is going on behind closed doors.
- At least you're young!
   Right...however, I can't freeze time. I just keep getting older. My "youth" hasn't helped me much. 
- It will happen when you stop trying so hard
   This just sounds stupid.
- There's always IVF!
   Easy-peasy! There's always IVF. There's also always the cost of IVF, the side effects of IVF, the risks of IVF, the emotional roller coaster of IVF, the weight gain of IVF, the hundreds of needles of IVF, the NO GUARANTEE of IVF...but yes, there is always IVF isn't there?
- Giuliana Rancic did IVF! You should look into her doctor.
   I wonder if Giuliana will let me borrow money so I can have the same resources she has? 
- Have you looked into adoption? You should try to get on a list just in case
   There is nothing against adoption, but YOU telling me to look into adoption means you don't have any hope that I can get pregnant myself. Also, adopting a baby is just as hard if not harder for a couple who has no political or hollywood ties. 
- Get drunk and have sex. It works for everyone
   Shit, why didn't I think of this? I should ask my doctor to write me a prescription for a bottle of rum and we'll be on our way!
- It only took us one try
   Go f*ck yourself :)
- How has it not worked for you guys!? It's time to get a new doctor.
   Curious, where did you get your medical degree from?
- Can I ask how much you guys pay for treatment? Just curious.
   No you may not!
- Whose fault is it that you guys can't get pregnant?
   Mine. It is my "fault". Thank you for pointing that out. 
- It could be worse, you could have a disease of some kind?
   Thank you for that reality check. Infertility is a disease. No, I will not die from infertility, but that doesn't mean I don't hurt from my loss. Don't one up me with by throwing that in my face. 
- At least you have Olivia!
   There is no one in this world more grateful for my child however, should we only be aloud to have one? Last time I checked the Duggar's have something like 19 kids. Curious as to why I struggle having one?
- It will happen! Think positive.
   How do you know? Can you guarantee me that it will happen? When? How many more attempts do we have to go through? If I had a penny for every time I thought positive, but got a shitty outcome I wouldn't have to save so hard for our trip to Disney. 

This is a list of what TO say to a person/couple going through infertility.

******crickets*******

Do you hear that? Shhhhhhh.....

Nothing. You say nothing. 

You sit and you listen. You're a shoulder to cry on. You're a hand to hold. You're company when their lonely. You're their biggest support. You are their friend when they need you the most.

National Infertility Awareness Week: Day 2: Faking a Smile

I have mastered the art of faking a smile. I have mastered saying "congratulations!" while sounding excited and happy for the person I've said those things to. I have mastered bullshitting conversations to people I don't want to tell my reality to. My acting skills could win me an Oscar. True story.

Social Media is a double edged sword. You share exciting news with the world, but when other people share their news with you- it could be during the darkest of times in your own personal life. I have come to expect pregnancy announcements on Facebook and twitter around each and every holiday. The announcements usually sound something like this-

"Starting this New Year off with a bang! Baby blah-blah due this summer!"

"Happy Valentine's Day! Our little sweetheart due this fall!"

"Happy Easter! Our little bunny will be here soon!"

"Our little pumpkin due next spring!"

"Our little turkey, coming soon!"

"Santa brought us the best gift of all! Baby blah-blah due next spring!"

You get the point don't you? Do you not agree with me!? There are days I wish Facebook offered a middle finger option instead of a thumbs up. Unfortunately that's not the case so instead of the finger I give the person a thumbs up and say, "Wow-we! Congratulations on your little bun in the oven! :)" Deep down I want to say, "Of course you're f'ing pregnant! It wouldn't be Christmas without a half dozen pregnancy announcements on Facebook!"

Bitter? Maybe a little.

Here's where it gets sticky. I can be a total asshole about strangers or "long lost friends", but when it's family...that's when I have to keep myself in check.

When we were trying to have Olivia everyone and their mother was pregnant. It was brutal. Baby Showers were hell for me. There were a couple showers that I couldn't bear to go to so I declined. And that's ok, I'm sure the Mama-to-be didn't want a hysterical bitter hag crying tears of misery in the dried out cake slice they give out as dessert. Nonetheless, every time someone got pregnant, it was like I was kicked in the stomach one more time.

As much as I love my nieces and nephews (and I do, I'm crazy about each and every one of them)...it stung a little bit when we would find out a new bundle was on the way! Deep down I was happy for my and Don's siblings, but I wanted my own baby and it hurt like every time someone elses dreams came true.

I remember comments people made to me during this time such as, "you shouldn't be bitter" or "be happy because they are happy" or "it will happen for you so be excited for other people. I never thought anyone understood my pain. I wasn't sure people totally got how fragile our situation was.

One afternoon I went to my brothers house to relax and hang out with my niece. I told my brother that it was time Grace (my niece) had a little sibling. Without skipping a beat he said, "there won't be baby #2 until there is a Cummings baby." Right away, tears. I knew him and Danielle were ready for baby #2, but my brother wasn't having it until I had a baby of my own. He got it. He understood my pain. He knew, without me telling him, how much it hurt. I told him not to do that. I didn't want him to put his life on hold for me. That wasn't fair to him and his little family.

From here on out, I knew I had to start faking a smile. I didn't want people to feel like they had to put their life on hold for me and I certainly didn't want people walking on eggshells around me.

Fast forward to now...I've become a true master at faking a smile.

A few months ago I was on a business trip. It was a few weeks after we decided to take a little break from IVF. I hate leaving Olivia, even if it's only for a couple of days. I was down in the dumps, missed my loves and was sick with the flu. Not the best of trips.

Anyway, I was sitting in a meeting when I got a missed call from my husband. Twenty seconds later I get a text message..."Chris called. Shelby is pregnant". Chris is my husband's cousin/second brother....he's also a newlywed. My heart sank. I'm trying to act somewhat interested in a meeting I had no desire being in in the first place. Now I get a text message with news that I have to quickly wrap my head around because sure enough, 30 seconds after the text, I have an incoming call from Chris. Though Chris and I are close, it's not often that he calls me. I declined his call to finish my meeting, but knew that I owed him a callback. Thankfully my husband cushioned the news a little bit, even from a distance.

I had ten minutes to excuse myself to the ladies room before my next meeting. I thought it would be perfect timing to call him back. Had to be quick and I couldn't get emotional...I had to meet with people I had never met before so I couldn't get all hysterical and show up like a hot mess.

Turns out, my plan backfired.

Chris delivered his news and I pretended I was hearing it for the first time. I told him I was so excited and happy for him and Shelby. Deep down I was...but it took me a minute to get there. After I hung up the phone I sat in the bathroom and cried. It's not that I wasn't happy for Chris. I knew why he made a special phone call to both me and Don...I appreciated the thought. He cares about us and our situation and we love him for that. I couldn't help but be jealous for how easy a baby came to them. It's just like everyone else who gets pregnant so easily. I want that for myself so bad. I don't want to have to struggle. I don't want to face the heartache. I want to get knocked up during a drunk sexy romp on the beach just like Chris and his wife did (sorry Shelby, Chris gave me details even though I didn't ask. I think it was the nerves in telling me the big news?).

During my call with Chris, I faked my smile. I was sad, for all of my own selfish reasons. I took a day and felt sorry for myself while being mad at the world...but then I learned how to get over it. I had to. One day I was on the phone crying my little sister about how easy it was for others to get pregnant and then I realized...oh shit. I'm crying to the newlywed who has yet to have kids of her own. I can't do that. If and when my sister gets pregnant, she can't be scared to tell me. She can't feel guilty that it came so easy to her (at least I hope it comes easy). It's not her fault that I struggle with infertility. It's not Chris & Shelby's fault either.

This weekend I am throwing Chris and Shelby their baby shower. Crazy, right? I'm not going to lie, when I pick out itty bitty clothes for their gift, I wish I was picking them out for my own baby...but I'm not. I truly am happy for the two of them. I have a sweet, healthy baby (she's a toddler now, but will always be my baby). Everyone deserves to have an Olivia in their life.

Chris & Shelby...I'm sure you're reading this now. You might even be a little nervous showing up at my house for your own shower, but don't be. The smile on my face this weekend will be genuine. I am happy for you. I truly am. The best gift I was ever given, was becoming a Mom. My wish for the both of you is to love every single moment. Take in every single moment. Go above and beyond. Take a million pictures. Give that sweet baby a million kisses. Let her fall asleep on your chest. Watch her sleep. Read her stories, even if she's only a few days old. Sing to her...even if you can't carry a tune. You'll make mistakes, but forgive yourself when you do. Your baby is a gift. Never take for granted this sweet miracle.

PS...if you get pregnant with baby #2 before we do...I will be pissed :)

National Infertility Awareness Week: Day 1: Loved.

Today is the first day of National Infertility Awareness Week (niaw). I thought I would start this week off with a post about the person who gets me through this struggle that I have come to hate most in life. 


Him. He's my person.

Him. My everything. Her everything. 

It is he who has supported me most. Don't get me wrong, both of our families have gone above and beyond in showing their and love and support for us, but it is he that has been my saving grace.

Rewind this whirlwind back several years...back to when it was just the two of us...

When Don and I got married we couldn't wait to start a family...but we decided to take a year to ourselves and get settled in as Mr. & Mrs. Had we known what was ahead of us, we would have started right away. Now that I know what I didn't back then, I always tell people...don't wait, just do it. Have your babies and everything else will fall into place.

One of the things that attracted me to my husband (besides his sense of humor) was how much he loved children. He's practically a child as it is so I knew that he would one day be an unbelievable father and I knew, that I wanted him to be the father of my children. No questions asked.

Don and I tried having a baby for a good year before we found out there was a problem. As each month went by it became harder and harder for me to tell him that it wasn't our month, we weren't pregnant. If you know my husband you know that he is the most positive, upbeat person you've ever met. He's a ray of sunshine. As corny as that sounds it's true! Always a smile on his face. Always a joke to be told. Never a dull moment.

Each negative pregnancy test took a little bit of his sunshine away. I remember one month that I had to deliver the bad news to him. He was down for the rest of the day. When I asked him to talk about it he simply said, "I just want to be dad." It killed me. This man asks for nothing. He owns t-shirts that probably date back to high school. He never buys himself anything nice. He's never been handed a thing and he's extremely grateful for everything he has. Why was he not deserving of the most precious gift? Why did a person this good have to struggle so much for the ONE thing he has ever asked for? It killed me.

After a couple months of tests we found out that the issue with our infertility boiled down to me...and a set of blocked tubes! We had no idea what "infertility" really meant. We knew no one who struggled with this. We were young and completely in over our heads. We had no idea what our future looked like and whether or not we would ever have children. We were scared, but it was Don who kept us together. I was a hot fricken mess 99% of the time, but it was he who pushed me to keep going.

Fast forward to our first IVF treatment. We were very excited. We felt like after all of the struggle we had gone through, we were finally officially on our way to getting pregnant. We finally had a shot at this and we were ready for this moment.

No one in our family knew when our treatment was taking place. We kept it private for a few reasons. One- it was an emotional time. We didn't want a million questions and didn't need anyone to feel sorry for us. Two- it was personal. This was our way to making a baby. It's not like we get phone calls before our family or friends have sex when their trying to get pregnant. No one needed to know when we were "trying" to get pregnant. Three- if we got pregnant, we wanted to be able to celebrate and surprise our family with the great news. We had each other and that's all we needed at the time.

I was put to sleep for the egg retrieval, which I appreciated at the time. It helped calm my nerves and I got a good nap in. Don likes when I'm put to sleep. Probably so he can have five minutes of silence, but mostly so he can get a good laugh in once I come out of anesthesia. When I went under for surgery to try to unblock my tubes I came out asking for a milkshake. I also cracked a few jokes that he still laughs about to this day. The egg retrieval was different though. I knew going in that the doctor needed to collect as many eggs as possible. The more eggs you produce, the more likely you will have at least one viable embryo to be able to transfer. Talk about pressure!

Anyway, according to Don I came out of anesthesia asking how many eggs they got. I asked this question several times over the next half hour and fell back asleep. At one point, I woke up long enough to ask Don a question that I don't remember asking, but I know that I did. I asked him if he regretted marrying me. I couldn't get pregnant on my own and IVF was a path neither of us ever expected to be on- I wondered if he ever thought whether or not married life would be easier with someone else. He later told me about this conversation we had, but I wasn't surprised. I asked a question that I never had the nerve asking while being fully aware. I asked a question that I had wondered about every night I went to sleep.

In case you're wondering, his answer was simple...no regrets. Deep down, I knew this would be his answer, but it felt good to get the confirmation.

It only took one round of IVF for us to get pregnant, but the excitement was soon trumped by every complication we were soon to face.

I mentioned in one of my past posts that I would go into a daze during each appointment with our specialist. I couldn't take the bad news. The fear of what could have been scared the crap out of me. If I hadn't gone into a daze I would sit in the office hysterical and unable to ask any questions. My husband had to function enough for the both of us because I was completely useless. We would leave the appointments and he would have to explain everything to me in words that weren't so foreign. Not only did he act as my interpreter, he also bent over backwards to make the next 8 months as smooth as possible for me...and it wasn't easy. I was put on bed rest right away. Don did everything from cooking and cleaning to making sure I was healthy and happy during every waking moment. He was my strength when I lost all hope. He was my courage when I was petrified to turn the next corner. Thank God for him.

We always wonder why were dealt a shitty hand when it comes to infertility, but now I wonder if it was to help strengthen our relationship even more than it was. During our first consultation with Dr. Binor he told us that IVF would either make us or break us. I thought his comment was a little extreme, but having gone through what we went through, I totally get it. We are stronger as a couple now than we we ever were.

The day Olivia was born it confirmed something I always knew, Don was born to be a Dad. He's a loyal person, a great police officer and an honest soul...but above all, he is a fantastic father.

There are nights I sit back and watch him slow dance with Olivia or have a tea party for two and I know that me and Olivia are the lucky ones. From the moment those two laid eyes on one another, it was love at first sight. As much as he tries to call the shots in this household he knows that she has him wrapped around her little finger. I hope he knows how much she adores him though. She looks up to him and as much as she loves her Mama...it is he that is her hero.

A message to my husband who reads my blog... "to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part"... It feels like just yesterday we stood at the alter and said those very words. I am proud of us. We've come a long way, but we meant what said, didn't we? I love you babe. I am so thankful to walk this crazy road called life with you. Here's to us and our little family. xoxo. 

Thankful...

Ever since becoming a Mom, holidays have an even more special meaning to me. I do my best to make each and every holiday a little more magical for Olivia. I try going above and beyond because in the back of mind I know, she may be my only child. Spoiled? Beyond belief, but I don't mind.

The day I became a mother I also became the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy and Santa Clause. Some people may take these roles for granted...I don't. I've introduced her to these imaginary characters and it is my responsibility to provide the magic to let her imagination run wild. There is an importance to the actions I take in making her holidays special. Thirty years from now I want her to look back at her childhood and have a sense of fulfillment. When Christmas comes around and she is married with kids, I want her to always think of me as she is trying to do good for her own children. I want to be able to look back and know that I did everything in my power to make my daughter feel special.

Last night we stayed up late to make sure the house was clean and her basket was hidden. I grated carrots to make it look like it was nibbled on by an oversized bunny. We put a trail of carrots on the floor leading to the hiding spot. Then we went to bed. I was up every hour last night with excitement for my daughter. She's only two years old and even though she refused to visit the Easter Bunny this year, I know I'll eventually get her to have a change of heart. She will fall in love with this character just like I did when I was a child.

This morning was perfect. Olivia woke up and was amazed by the trail of carrot nibbles. More so that her Mom and Dad allowed a bunny to break in while we were sleeping and make a mess all over the floor. She was even a little disgusted at the bits of carrot that were on her piggies as she was trying to follow the trail. But when her face lit up the moment she found her basket, I knew I got her....she's starting to believe in this fairy tale Easter Bunny and I am loving every single moment.

Even though our morning started off with a bang, my poor little peanut came down with the stomach flu. Never good timing, but we got to be cozy and cuddle in bed watching our friends Mickey and Sheriff Callie. As I type this blog entry, my little love is laying next to me sleeping...

Our Easter day fizzled out too soon, but I am forever grateful for this child. I LOVE that I get to be a Mom, her Mom. Even if I am not blessed with another child, I at least was blessed with this sweet girl and for that, I am thankful.

Look at this sweet face...I mean, come on. 

Easter egg hunt in our jammies this morning...don't mind the lack of makeup :)

Do you remember a few blog entries ago when I was sad and I asked God to let me hold on to these little moments for as long as possible? This is one of those moments. She is sick in bed and she needs her Mama. I can't fathom the day when she will be too old for the Easter Bunny or too cool to snuggle with me. Stay little forever my Olivia. I'm not ready for you to get big yet...

Happy Easter Everyone.

P.S. sorry it's been a while since my last entry...life has been hectic, but I promise I'll get better at this. Not much has changed fertility wise. We're still looking to try again in June. Stay tuned...

Dear You...

I received an email last week from an old friend of mine. Her and her husband's first IVF attempt was a fail leaving them both heartbroken. I could relate to all of the emotions she poured into the email and I was utterly sick to my stomach knowing how sad they are.

She told me in the email that she doesn't know how in the hell I've been able to get through 5 failed attempts, and that she's considering not going through it again. I emailed her back, but it was short and sweet. I was at work and to be honest, I didn't know what all to say at that moment in time. I've finally had a chance to sit down and seeing that more than one person has reached out to me since writing this blog, I thought my words may help the couple that are secretly fighting our same battle. Sometimes it's nice to know that somewhere out there, there are people just like you.

Dear You...

I've been there. I am there. It sucks and there's not a person on this earth that can make it all better. I wish I could give you my secret, but to be honest, there is no secret. I get through because I have to. Because I know that if I want a baby I have to keep going. 

There are times my husband and I look at one another and wonder why we've been dealt a hand full of shit, blood and tears...but sometimes that's just the way this crazy thing called life works.

The process is brutal, but the reward itself is bigger than any dream you could possibly dream. It's perfection. Having a child is what true love is all about. You have to see it, you have to picture yourself holding that baby. You have to know that through all of the pain, you will prevail. 

Someone once told me that they believe IVF mother's are the best kind of mother's out there. I'm not sure if "best" is the word, but I think IVF mother's are the strongest kind of mother's. You're fighting for a child that you don't even have (yet). You're risking you're financial freedom, sanity and emotional well-being for a dream that is completely out of your control- yet not out of reach. You're vulnerable, fragile, but in order to get through...you have to find strength in places you didn't know exists. You have to be made of steel and come to the realization that this one failed attempt may not be your last. It may suck for a while, but in the words of my own doctor...keep your eye on the prize! The struggle is worth the pain. 

You're stronger than you think. Don't let this bitch called "Infertility" win. You're heartbroken, depressed and sad...and rightfully so. But quitting won't get you your baby. You will try again because that's the only way. Don't think for a second that I'm stronger than you...I'm not. I've thrown my arms in the air more than once. I've quit in my head. I've thrown a fit or two and I've cried more than I've ever cried in my life. Before each attempt I tell myself that this is the last try, no matter the result. Look at me, I'm preparing myself for #6. THIS BLOWS...but I don't have a choice, right? I want what I want and blocked tubes, needles, weight gain and mood swings will not stand in my way..and it won't stand in yours either. 

Chin up. It's going to be an army crawl to the finish line, but you'll get there. You've got this my friend, you've got this. 

I'm here for you. I want it too. 

A poem that gives strength...

I found this poem online when I was trying to get pregnant with Olivia. I'm not sure who wrote it, but it touched me and I read it every single day. Every word hits home and now that we are struggling getting pregnant with Baby #2, I find myself going back to this poem. 

I thought I would share it to all of the women who face my same struggle. 

We're running out of resources...

I've taken a little break from blogging and took the past couple of weeks to get my emotions in check and my head together. Dr. Alexander told me to take a class to get active again, she suggested Yoga. I had other thoughts...

My sister Taylor and I took a kickboxing class which ended up kicking both of our out-of-shape butts. Though a good calorie burner, it felt good to beat the crap out of something. It took a week for my body to recover, but I'm looking forward to a second round. It also meant a lot that she joined me. Completely out of her element, I know she came to support me. 

This week was my consultation with Dr. Binor. I've been waiting weeks for this appointment. Anxious is putting it lightly. I have zero patience and waiting to find out what the game plan would be was causing me to lose sleep. I went to the consult alone, which is something I prefer as of lately. I'm technically there for a medical consultation, but every meeting with Dr. Binor ends up being better than any therapy session I've every paid for. 

Dr. Binor walked in and immediately I got teary eyed. As much as I say I'm going to keep it together as soon as I see him I tend to fall apart.

He thanked me for coming and apologized for the past year. He said he's sad for us and thinks about us often. 

"Your file is embedded in my brain. I review it over and over and I check off every box except the one with the answer as to why this isn't working. And my only thought is... it's because of that pregnancy."

That pregnancy. That. Pregnancy. THAT PREGNANCY.

"That pregnancy" is something I will never ever be able to get away from. As soon as he says "that pregnancy"...I cry. As soon as "that pregnancy" is brought up- it's like someone has ripped a band-aid off of a raw, unhealed, bleeding wound. It hurts. The sting is forever with me and the slightest reminder can bring me to my knees. 

I nodded my head. I understood what he was saying. The thought is that the pregnancy did a number to my body. It's done something to my body that has prevented me from getting pregnant with IVF and no one can figure it out. 

My eggs are textbook perfect. My husbands sperm is textbook perfect. Our embryos are beautiful, grade A embryos. I'm on blood thinners. I'm on progesterone injections. I'm on estrogen injections. On paper, all looks great. On paper, I should be pregnant. 

"If insurance gives us the approval, I want to take a step back. We need to try IUI."

My jaw dropped and my eyes popped out of my head like a cartoon character. He lost me. Taking a step back seems odd and IUI with a semi open tube just sounds...like a future negative pregnancy test. I sat there scratching my head listening to his game plan. He talked about the injections I would need to take and how they differ from the ones I take with IVF. He tells me that there's something very unnatural when it comes to IVF and IUI is the closest "natural" way a fertility patient can get to conceiving. 

With IVF, every ounce of your body and cycle is taken over by medication. You're on medication to produce eggs, then there's an egg retrieval, then they "fertilize" the egg, then they watch the embryo grow (discard any that aren't viable), then you go in for your egg transfer and then you go home and let it "cook". Every step is very controlled. 

With IUI, even though you're on injections- there's no egg retrieval/transfer. Dr. Binor will put me on medication to help me ovulate, he'll wait until it's the appropriate number of follicles (if there's too many, he will cancel the cycle. Too many follicles could lead to multiples, meaning more than two babies). 

Here's our issue...

Back in 2011 we found out that both of my tubes are blocked. Dr. Alexander performed a surgery to open the tubes which ultimately slightly opened one, but not the other. The concern was that the tube was slightly open, but no one knew how long this would last since there was no true reason as to why they were blocked to begin with. 

When we started seeing Dr. Binor, IUI was initially discussed. I needed the left side to ovulate so we could use my left tube. For three consecutive months the ultrasound showed the right side ovulating. Even though it's suppose to switch sides every other month, my body has a mind of its own and would only ovulate on the right side. Therefore, IUI couldn't work for us.

Last August Dr. Binor ordered another HSG (dye test to show tubes). This time the right was slightly open and leaked minimal dye. The left was slightly open, but had a delay and needed pressure to push the dye through. With that said, I was a little shocked and reluctant to hear about the new game plan for Baby #2. 

"We're going through too many embryo's without knowing what the issue is. I need to see if your body responds to IUI. You're down to 5 embryos and one egg retrieval. We're running out of resources here."

I was picking up on his frustration and the doubt in the tone of his voice. 

I have 5 frozen embryos left and insurance will only cover one more egg retrieval in my lifetime. I am very aware of the reality of the situation. It sends me into a panic every time I think about it. 

"Do you have $30,000 cash to pay for IVF should we run through those resources?"

"No."

"Then we try IUI."

"If it doesn't work?"

"Then we try again."

"If it doesn't work, again?"

"Then we go back to IVF."

"Fine."

Depending on the doctor, if you ask what the chances of success are with IVF, the average is about 30%. Pretty low for as much money that it costs. I asked Dr. Binor what the percentage is for IUI. 

"It's higher with IUI, but for you- I don't know."

I put my head down and continued to cry. The frustration was getting to me and anger that I've been running from is starting to take over my newfound hopeful attitude. 

"I know you're disappointed. Out of all my years, this is my most frustrating. If I'm frustrated I can't imagine what you're going through."

Dr. Binor was honest with me in saying he's not 100% confident, but he thinks I've got a shot. We need my body to cooperate and ovulate on the left side. I however, am doubtful. Not once in 5 years has my body ever cooperated. With tubes that no one is sure of how open they are, I asked if I would be at risk for an ectopic, should the IUI work. 

"Sure. That could happen, but it also may not. We'll watch you close."

"I'm strong enough to try again, and again, and again...but I'm not strong enough to go through another loss. I'm not. I can't."

"I know."

We talked some more about Olivia, Don and how everyone was holding up. We laughed at how I'll forever be known as the problem child that diminished his success rate. He apologized for all of the injections and heartache. I thanked him for his support and thoughtfulness and then I asked him to bring me another Olivia.

"When we were trying for Olivia I knew it would work. I saw myself holding that baby at the end of the day. I knew I would get what I wanted. This time is different. I can't see it. I don't know if it's in the cards for us, but I want it so bad. I'm not ready to give up, so please don't give up on us. I'll try anything. I'm not afraid of injections or surgeries. If it brings me a baby I'll try anything." 

"We will keep trying. You let me worry about how, I need you to take care of yourself and control the stress level." 

I left the office feeling- unsure. Unsure about the next steps. Unsure about how my body would cooperate. Unsure about the future. 

Nora (my nurse) called me later that day and told me that insurance approved IUI. Herself and Dr. Binor are ready to proceed once I give the green light. I want to make sure that my head is clear and I'm as stress-free as can be. I'm close, but I'm not there yet. As always, my husband is in my corner supporting my every move. 

I was talking to my Dad the other day complaining about the struggle and stress. 

"You have a healthy, happy, beautiful child. Anything else is bonus. If there's something you want, you're going to have to fight for it. You do not give up."

He's right. 

Focus, Courtney. Focus.