"The struggle is part of the story"

I had my appointment with Dr. Alexander today, my OB. I had questions I needed answered and wanted her opinion.

Sitting in the waiting room in an OB's office isn't the greatest for someone struggling to conceive. I walked in to a room filled with pregnant people which immediately took my breath away. I didn't prepare myself for this. This has happened to me before when walking into this office. It's not like Dr. B's office when the waiting room is filled with people feeling the same heartache and struggle that I feel. Dr. Alex's waiting room is filled with glowing women, with their hand on their belly all while wearing really cute maternity clothes. Here I am, barely showered, not put together and miserable. While sitting there a cute couple took a seat next to me and was cooing all over the ultrasound pictures they just got. They held up the ultrasound and took a selfie to text to their family. I found myself annoyed and couldn't help but gasp, "Oh for fuck sake."

I know, I know, I know...it's not their problem that I can't pregnant. I know, I know, I know...I already have a child at home- I should be happy for the cute couple who are just trying to enjoy their little moment. I know all of this. I'm aware of my bitter attitude, but finding happiness for pregnant strangers is a bit of a stretch for me at the moment. Sitting in a room filled with preggo's is somewhat suffocating. The anxiety kicks in and being bitter helps prevent the tears from flowing in public.

After waiting for what seemed like forever (which was really only 5 minutes)- it was finally my turn. Dr. Alexander's nurse took me back and asked the same questions she always does...

"Are you or could you be pregnant right now?"

"No."

"Current contraceptive?"

"Blocked tubes."

"Are we trying for a baby right now?"

"Just finished the 5th round of IVF."

"So, could you be pregnant right now?"

"Just finished the 5th FAILED round of IVF."

"Oh. Gotcha. 

"No success from any of the rounds?"

"1 ectopic. 1 miscarriage. 3 failed."

Doctors consider an ectopic and miscarriage a successful round. At the end of the day, a pregnancy was achieved- therefore, a success. I view an ectopic and a miscarriage as a fail. At the end of the day, I'm not holding a baby in my arms- therefore, a fail.

The nurse could tell I was getting shorter and shorter with each question. I don't mean to be short, but every question brings another tear to my eye and all I really want is to talk to the doctor.

I like Dr. Alexander. She's very sweet, very honest and she can relate. When we made the decision that IVF would be the route I would need to take she told me, "My babies are IVF babies and there is not a damn thing that I am ashamed of."

The nurse left and I sat there practically holding my breath so I wouldn't cry. Keeping it together is becoming more and more difficult with each and every appointment. I hadn't seen Dr. Alexander since the ectopic. To my knowledge, she didn't even know I was pregnant last Fall.

Back it up a little bit...

After we had Olivia I had a follow up with Dr. Alexander a few weeks later. We talked about the pregnancy and how rewarding it felt to finally become a mother.

She looked at me and said, "It will be easier the second time around."

"Oh no, no. There won't be a second time. This is it for us."

"What do you mean this it for you? You don't want a second?"

"I want a second, but I never want to be pregnant again. I am petrified."

"You can't worry about that, Courtney. You'll never go through what you went through with Olivia. It's like getting struck my lightning twice."

I remember this conversation like it was yesterday. I remembered this conversation last summer when our world was flipped upside down, again.

In June of last year (right around Olivia's second birthday), we found out that the IVF failed. It was obviously upsetting, but we got ourselves together and moved on. I got my period a few days after I got the phone call that it didn't work.

Almost a month after the IVF fail, I had terrible abdominal pains and bleeding in my stool. I took myself to the ER where they ordered some tests and a wanted to do a scan of my abdomen. About a half hour after the initial bloodwork was taken, the ER doctor came back in with the nurse. He drilled me about the IVF (which I informed him of earlier). He asked me 10 different ways and 20 different times the day of the embryo transfer, the day I received the results and the day I got my period. He also made me swear on my mother that I didn't have sex. I felt like I was being interrogated and was beginning to sweat. I could see how people can give false alibi's when being questioned by police. I was about to make up a story just so he would quit with the questions.

"I'm asking because you are pregnant!"

The nurse sat there smiling and the doctor was feeling good about himself. As if he just gave me the best news of my life.

I rolled my eyes and looked at him like I wasn't amused. This was the same doctor that saw me when I miscarried Baby D. He was the same doctor that said he was sorry, but it wasn't looking good for the other babies. Little does he know he was wrong and that my baby was at home waiting for her Mama to come home.

"You are. You're pregnant."

"No. I'm not pregnant. I know I'm not."

"You are. HCG came back and you are definitely pregnant."

"I'm not. Stop. If I thought there was a slight chance then I would be crying tears of joy. There is no possible way that I am pregnant so please, just tell me why my stomach is hurting and I'm bleeding out of my ass!!"

I made him call Dr. Binor and tell him. I thought a call of shame would only be right. Instead, Dr. Binor told him to release me and asked that I go see him the following day. So that's what I did. I went in and they took my bloodwork yet again. I left the office feeling annoyed that I even had to go through this. They knew I wasn't pregnant- why would they drag this silliness on any further?

A few hours later I got the call.

"You're pregnant. The embryo implanted late. Our suspicion is an ectopic. Courtney, this is not a healthy pregnancy. This is not good."

I sat at my desk completely speechless. Once I caught my breath the only words I could utter was- "No fucking way."

Dr. Binor told me to go to Dr. Alexander's office right away for an ultrasound. Unfortunately, she was on vacation so I had to see a doctor I wasn't familiar with- Dr. Simmons. She was very nice, very sensitive, but I wanted Dr. Alexander.

The ultrasound was interesting. I use to be so excited to see my Olivia every week I had an ultrasound. This time was different. Would I see anything? What are we looking for? Could there be a slight chance that this could be another miracle baby? I sat there so confused, but felt comforted that my ultrasound tech was the same tech that always did my ultrasounds for Olivia. She knew me pretty well and was happy to see me- until she found out the circumstances.

"Your HCG is low for an ultrasound. Why are they saying ectopic? It's low- maybe it will increase!?"

She was trying to give me hope- but I had none. Dr. Binor said it wasn't a good situation- I trusted his word.

The ultrasound lasted longer than usual. I knew this wasn't good. Every once in a while I would hear her whisper, "come on baby...where are you?"

I left the office that night with no answers and a hurting heart. I found myself laying in bed shaking my head. WTF is going on!?

The next day was filled with meetings in the city. It kept me busy, but I was desperate for answers. While at a business lunch I glanced my phone and saw about ten missed calls. A combination of my husband and doctor's office. I excused myself and called the doctor from the bathroom.

"Courtney, I need you to stop what you're doing and head to Rush (hospital)."

"Excuse me?"

"All signs point to an abnormal ectopic pregnancy. You need to come to the hospital to terminate the pregnancy. If you feel any sort of pain on the way, you need to drive yourself to the closest ER and call us right away."

"I am in the city, in the middle of a business lunch. What is an abnormal ectopic?"

"It means, the embryo may have attached to an organ outside of the uterus. There is fluid near your stomach. We don't know if this is where, but we can't risk the embryo to grow any further. This could cause an organ to rupture."

I left the lunch immediately and headed for the hospital. I felt like I was in a nightmare and couldn't wake up. Completely in shock and completely hysterical.

Dr. Binor wasn't 100% in agreement with Dr. Simmon's finding. He didn't disagree either. He simply said that this was their medical assumption and that we had to take care of it. Both doctors agreed that terminating the pregnancy was necessary.

The process of getting insurance approval was long, grueling and totally f'ed up. It took over 24 hours of multiple doctors and medical directors (from multiple departments) to attempt getting approval for the procedure that they considered life threatening. I was a mess the entire 24 hours. My husband was the only person who held me up.

Finally, the doctors decided that the procedure would take place in the ER. This way, insurance couldn't deny the claim. They had Don leave the room and brought down a Doctor and a nurse to administer the injection. Did I mention how you terminate an ectopic pregnancy? With multiple injections of Methotrexate. What is Methotrexate? It's a type of chemo that is used for Cancer patients. They use it for ectopic pregnancy's because it ultimately stops the growth of cells.

I laid on the table in the middle of the cold ER. If you listened closely you could hear my heart breaking. I watched the clock. I wanted to be home in time to put Olivia to bed. I needed her. As I laid there I watched them prepare for the injections. They had to wear full covers from head to toe along with protective eye wear. I felt like they were about to administer a lethal injection. I felt like a criminal. I felt dirty and absolutely defeated. My nightmare was getting worse.

After they gave me the injections the nurse looked at me and asked if I was ok. I couldn't speak. I just cried. In my head I thought, "I just terminated my third baby." How do you make sense of that?

She told me I may feel crappy over the next few days. Define "crappy". I could take any physical side effect, but I couldn't take the reality of the situation. I would do anything to just feel "crappy". At this point I was kicked down, beaten and 100% defeated.

A week later I had a follow up with Dr. Alexander. She told me that when she returned she had an office filled with the Director, Dr. Simmon's and some of the nurses. They were giving her an update of the situation. She told me she heard them say, "your patient, Courtney" and that's when she stopped them- "Don't you dare say Courtney Cummings." Sure enough, it was me. She apologized for all of the confusion with insurance and all of the back and forth we had to go through. She also apologized she wasn't there when this all happened. I looked at her straight in the eyes and told her, "I was struck by lightning- twice."

She nodded her head with disbelief. I sat there crying and told Dr. Alexander that I was done. No more IVF's. I can't do it. This set her off into a lecture I felt I was getting from my parents.

"YOU WILL NOT QUIT! You won't! If you want to get pregnant you'll have to work for it. It sucks and it's not fair, but you'll keep trying. You have to."

She was right. She knew my pain. Her first child was her first IVF attempt. Her second child was her 8th attempt. When she first told me about the 8 cycles, I thought she was nuts. That's a lot of money, too many emotions and a beating on your body. At the time I thought I would never make it to 8- now look at me...our next attempt will be number 6.

Back to today...

Dr. Alexander walked in the room and gave me a look like I was a pitiful lonely child. By the look on her face I knew she was all caught up. She knew about the miscarriage and she knew about the most recent fail. I buried my face in my hands and cried.

"Unbelievable. It's never easy for you, huh?"

I told her how frustrated I am. I told her it was getting harder- emotionally and physically. I asked her what I'm doing wrong and what questions I should be asking in my consult with Dr. Binor next month.

She reviewed my file. She looked at every test that was run and all of the results.

"I don't have the answer. I don't know that there's one single problem. You might be the unfortunate statistic that just doesn't get pregnant easily."

Her guess is that the stress level has hit an all time high. She doesn't want me to touch another frozen embryo until I get it together a little bit. Her suggestion is acupuncture and a workout class. I'll follow her orders- but only because I'm desperate.

She said she noticed that with Olivia I was a little stronger. A little more determined. Now, I'm defeated, hopeless and emotional. She's right. I am. It makes me sad to admit that, but there's no denying that I'm a bit of a mess at the moment.

"It's going to work. You have to believe that. It's soooo worth the fight!!"

She also told me that she bets I'm a better mother for everything I've gone through. She said IVF babies have parents that know what it means to fight for a child and have the ultimate appreciation of having a child.

"You fought like hell for that Olivia and I bet you make the most out of every single second."

My child has been to New York, Hawaii, Disney World and Texas. Her first birthday party cost a couple thousand dollars, we are planning Disney vacation #2 and I currently have 2,600 pictures of my blue eyed baby in my cell phone. I make the most out of every single day with this child. I go above and beyond when ever I possibly can. I know I'm a great mother- because that's the type of mother I want to be. And I KNOW, that I'll be a great mother to my next child. I guess I better start saving...

Happiest of Birthdays...

This sweet girl is 3 years old today! 

Happiest of Birthdays to our niece, Quinn. 

We miss you and love you lots.

Everything will be ok...

I'm ok. Everything will be ok.

I keep telling myself those very words. I had been taking the news better than expected until today. Today I took a shower and fell apart. The shower has always been my place that I can let myself completely break. There's something about the warm water hitting your face that makes it acceptable to cry your eyes out. I sit there until I run out of hot water and the second I turn the shower off- I stop. All tears go away and I go about my day. This was the way I mourned my three babies once Olivia was born. This is the way that works for me.

The past few nights I find myself laying in bed with a racing mind. I struggle with not having control over our future. I struggle with the unknown. The thought of possibly never having another child scares the shit out of me. And though I try to reel myself in before I get too depressed- I haven't been able to fall asleep without tears hitting my pillow.

Olivia has been a great distraction. I can always depend on her to make me laugh and lift my spirits. Don't ever underestimate the power a two year old can have on you. She brings me into her fairy tale world and I'm able to escape reality- even if it's only for a short time.

The other morning we laid in my bed and she looked at me and said, "Best friends. Forever." My jaw dropped and of course I shed some tears. I always hug her tight and say, "beeessstttt friends." She never has said it back. She usually just smiles and giggles and that's that. I swear this child always knows when I need a little extra lovin'. There's just something about her...

Last night before I went to bed I said my prayers like I always do- except this time I told God and whoever else that was listening, that I am ready to accept what ever is meant to be. I've been wondering if 5 failed attempts is a sign that it's just not in the cards for us. If it's a sign that we will always be a family of 3. I obviously don't know the answer, but I am so worn out that I'm doing everything in my power to not throw my arms up and quit.

I also asked God that if I can't have another child- if he could please slow down time just a little bit and let me savor every waking moment I have with my Olivia. She's just about 2 1/2 now and I feel like it was just yesterday that we were leaving the hospital to bring her home. I know every parent says that "it goes too fast"...but I'm not ready for this phase to be over. She's potty trained and learning how to ride a bike! I had a pity party today thinking she would no longer need me to pull her in her wagon. She's getting too big and I'm not ready. Every time she grows out of a size I tear up while putting her clothes into storage. I'm not ready for a big girl. I want a baby and if I can't have a baby then I want my toddler to stay a toddler. I want to take in every ounce of the day with this child. So please, God, slow it down...let me enjoy this time.

Some things just don't go your way...

"Oh Courtney, I'm sorry, I don't have good news for you."

It's that dreaded phone call that I've received one too many times. It's the phone call that kicks me down even more- breaks me a little more. I hate that phone call. It stings every time. 

The news wasn't much of a shock to me. Last Sunday I laid on the couch and cried the day away. I guess you could call it "mother's intuition". This wasn't our round. I could feel it. I just can't help but wonder when exactly I didn't have a chance anymore. When exactly I lost the embryos- and why?

That was our 5th try in a little over a year. 9 total embryos to be exact. 15 days of bed rest.

The pain, it's wearing on me. I'm tired and emotionally drained. My husband is hurting and I feel terrible that I can't do anything to make it all go away. 

Olivia caught me crying yesterday and asked if I was hurting. Shit. I promised myself she wouldn't see me cry. Yes, I'm hurting...but for as long as I can I want this child to know no pain. I want her to think her world is filled with sunshine and butterflies. Of course perfection isn't reality, but that's my job as a mother. I can't slip. Not in front of her. I need to be strong.

What's next? We try again. We may be down, but we're not out. We have 5 frozen embryos left and one fresh cycle. We'll move forward- I just don't know when. I have an appointment with Dr. Alex in two weeks and a consult with Dr. B in four weeks.

I found this quote today and thought it summed up our emotions and feelings perfectly.

"It's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen; but it's even harder to give up when you know it's everything you want."

As much as we are hurting right now, life isn't so bad. Our child is healthy, we have a roof over our heads and my husband comes home from work safe and sound every night (knock on wood). We will be ok. The pain and heartache is temporary- I know this. I just wish, more than anything, that we could catch a break.