We got the green light!

Last Friday Don and I sat down with Dr. Binor to go over our options. I hadn't seen him in a year and he wanted to meet to discuss what's been going on with my health.

For those who have been following my story, you know by now that we have taken a year off from IVF. It was a hard decision to make, but one that was needed. For some odd reason, my body changed literally over night and I have been dealing with a mess of unexplained health issues. After months of meeting with doctors who thought I was depressed over infertility, I am now with a team of doctors through Northwestern who are dedicated to finding out the cause to these bizarre symptoms. Tests came back a couple months ago showing I have small fiber neuropathy- which means, nerve damage. The nerve damage explains why my body feels like it's on fire every day. The tricky part is figuring out what is causing the nerve damage and why the facial flushing. In the next couple weeks I will move forward with autonomic testing. Should Northwestern not be able to get to the bottom of this mess, I will then be sent to Mayo Clinic. My HOPE is that they are on to something and figure it out because the thought of Mayo Clinic makes me nervous and to be frank- I don't have time for that.

The good news is that I have been cleared to move forward with my next IVF treatment. The iffy news is that, should I get pregnant, we're not sure how my body will feel. Will the burning increase? God, I hope not. Will the flushing increase? Who knows. Will the weakness increase? No one knows.

I have opted to not take the neuropathy medication at this time. You can't be pregnant and be on those type of medications. It needs to be out my body in order to move forward so I stopped taking Lyrica a month ago. It wasn't working anyway,

As soon as I got the green light I called Dr. Binor who thought it would be best to sit and talk about our options.

It was so nice seeing him. Expanding our family has been put on hold and for a couple that tried for 2 straight years, the wait was sometimes hard to deal with.

Dr. Binor's thought is that I may be dealing with Lupus. Did I forget to mention that over the past year I've been tested for Lupus about 8 or 9 times? Tests come back with a slight positive, but not high enough to be officially diagnosed. Lupus is a tricky, tricky disease to diagnose and doctors have been hesitant to make it official. Even though some symptoms point to Lupus, the major symptoms do not. Dr. Binor will be put me on Prednisone when I start the next round. If it starts making me feel better we may be a step closer to a diagnosis. The only thing is that if I do get pregnant, he will have to wean me off the medication so I will really only be on it for a short time.

Dr. Binor is on board with moving forward with another round. I was nervous he wouldn't be since I'm not 100%, but he reviewed the novel of test results from the past year and seems confident that Baby #2 is in our future. We didn't agree on fresh vs. frozen, but I will follow his advice and not pretend to play doctor. As stubborn as I sometimes tend to be, I have faith in this man and that is what matters most.

We have several viable frozen embryos. Dr. Binor wants to use the frozen while I want to do a fresh cycle. Depending on who you talk to and what you read, the success rate for a fresh cycle is slightly higher. I am biased because I got pregnant with Olivia on our first try- which was obviously a fresh cycle. Dr. Binor doesn't like "banking" embryos. They are technically little souls and most people discard their embryos once they have children. He also has zero concern over the quality of our embryos. The Embryologist grades your embryos and fortunately Don and I create textbook perfect embryos. Don tends to take the credit for that :)  I understand where Dr. B is coming from, but at the same time I'm getting older, Olivia is getting older and I have no time to spare. I also have to put an end to this long drawn out journey of ours.

Over the next month I will go in periodically so he can monitor my cycle. This will give him an idea as to ovulation, hormone levels, cervical lining progression, etc. I decided to hold off on a June IVF. Olivia turns 4 in June and I want to focus on her and her birthday. I also want to complete the autonomic testing and figure out next steps with my Northwestern doctors. The IVF transfer will be in July which means I start meds in June.

If we don't get pregnant this year, I am fairly confident that we will decide to walk away. It pains me to think of the possibility, but how long do you put up with disappointment and heartache before you've had enough? Unless you've gone through infertility you have no clue how mentally and emotionally draining the process is. I've cried- a lot. My heart has been hurt over and over and over again. My husband has been through the ringer. Our family has hurt along side of us. It's a very painful process and if it doesn't happen this year then we will move forward, as a family of 3. I'm not giving up, not now- but I know the decision we will need to make should this not go in our favor.

Driving to our appointment Olivia asked if she could have a baby sister. She's been asking a bunch of questions about Taylor (my sister) being pregnant and sure enough she is now asking for a baby of her own. I thought it was kind of funny that she asked while on our way to the consultation. Of course I teared up a bit, but mostly because I would love to fulfill her wish- unfortunately it's not in my hands. She asked me how we go about getting a baby sister and my response was simple.

"You have to pray to God and ask for a sister. Every night, pray as hard as you can and maybe we will be lucky enough to have a baby sister."

God, I hope you answer this little girls prayers. She is so deserving.

I am much, much more

I am more than 1 in 8.
I am much more than 1 in 8.

I am a fighter. A survivor. A mother.

I have been through hell and back- yet I stand tall. My journey to becoming a mother has been heartbreaking and tragic. I have been failed by my body time and time again.

I stay determined.

I have been pitied.
I have been judged.
I have been talked about.
I have received opinions I never asked for.

It's made me stronger.

Day in and day out I wonder if I will ever have another child. I sit in the back at church and ask Him if he's listening. I ask what I've done wrong. I've looked for signs, begged for signs.

I tell Him I'm not giving up.

I have lost count in the amount of IVF attempts. I have lost count in the number of embryos we have frozen. I have lost count in the amount of injections, pills, blood draws.

I am eager to keep going.

To date, I have lost 5 innocent souls. 2 miscarriages and 3 selective terminations. Each loss has brought me to my knees. Each loss has rocked my faith. Each loss has brought heartache, anger and confusion.

Each loss has taken a piece of my heart.

IVF works. I know it does. Just when I think I've given up, I look at my Olivia's face every day and she reminds me. As hard as it gets, I want her to see how strong her Mom is.

I want to be her hero just like she's mine.

Infertility the second time around is harder than the first (in my opinion). The pressure to give my daughter a sibling and to complete my family often feels like an uphill battle. It breaks my heart.

Infertility is brutal. The struggle is real and unless you’ve gone through it you will never fully understand it. Infertility has changed my life. Infertility has changed my family's life.

But infertility doesn’t define me. Being a Mom defines me. Being a strong woman defines me.

1 in 8 couples have trouble getting pregnant or sustaining a pregnancy. It's a fact.

I am much, much more than 1 in 8.