It wasn't meant to be...

It's not our turn. Not yet.

I woke up at 3am with confirmation that this IUI attempt was another failed round. I didn't need to wait until Friday's pregnancy test. I got my period. 

Angry. I laid in bed angry. Why does it have to be so hard? Why do we have to struggle? Why does it come so natural for most couples? We're good parents...no, we are great parents. We appreciate every single moment. We are thankful for the little girl we have been blessed with. We recognize the miracle a tiny little life truly is. Yet, we struggle. 

So I laid in bed angry and bitter. I thought it was an appropriate reaction and was proud of myself for not going into hysterics...but then I took a shower. As soon as the water hit my face I lost it. No longer angry, just heartbroken. My body continues to let me down and I have zero control. I can hope and pray until I am blue in the face, but it won't change anything. I sat in the bathroom and texted my brother. I knew he would be awake and I needed to lean on him in order to get the courage to go to work today. I felt bad that Don was sleeping, unaware of what took place the past few hours, but he needed his sleep and I didn't want him to wake up to his crying wife. I waited to tell him until he called me when he woke up. To be honest, he didn't seem to be surprised. I think he expected it which helped me break the news this time. 

It's funny, I actually had a good feeling this round. The past couple of weeks I've been seeing butterflies randomly flying around me. When I was younger, my Godfather passed away and my Grandma told me that every time I see a butterfly that that would be a sign that it was him checking up on me. Might sound funny, but I find comfort and get a little smile every time the little guy flies my way. The day before Olivia's egg retrieval Don and I went to breakfast and sat next to a window. During the entire breakfast a butterfly sat on the window next to me. It was a sign. And though that pregnancy brought me more pain than I could ever imagine, it also brought me the love of my life.

A couple weeks ago I took Olivia to the park and a butterfly kept flying around me. I stood there and smiled and thought, "This is it. It's going to work." Then on Sunday every time I walked outside there he was...a little butterfly flying all around. A good sign...I was sure of it. Unfortunately it didn't mean anything. I'm sitting here crying and completely disappointed. Maybe it wasn't suppose to be a sign of hope. Maybe it was more of a "I am here and you will be ok". 

So now I'm digging deep to find strength that I'm not sure I have. I talked to my doctor who said that the original plan of a few IUI rounds is now in the garbage. We will move forward with IVF. I start prepping for the next round tomorrow. Emotionally not ready, but what does that matter? This will be attempt #7. I'm starting to lose track, but if memory serves me correct the past year and a half has brought...

IVF Fail- 3

Ectopic- 1

Miscarriage- 1

IUI Fail- 1

The actual IVF will take place in July. It's going to be a long month, but hopefully the family get togethers and summer sunshine will keep me busy...not to mention my Olivia. She's a good distraction. 

No doubt I will cry the remainder of today, but I will have to get it together because I have a 3 year old princess party to throw next week for my munchkin. 

These tears...they're painful. I tell myself to throw in the towel, but my heart keeps telling me to keep trying. I just wonder if my dream is too far out of reach. Is it not meant to be? I struggle with this thought every single day. I wish I had the answer. 

A couple months ago I texted my brother saying "so&so is pregnant and I'm jealous :("...he said he was sorry that I was feeling that way.  Then a few hours later I got a text from him saying, "I think you should know that you have it all and that most people are jealous of you." I cried...he's right. 

I am struggling, but should this not work out, I am still a Mom at the end of the day to a healthy, beautiful little girl. Thank God for that. 

"It's having hope which requires having guts. So wear your heart on your sleeve and if it bleeds, let it, so long as it still beats" ~ Juhani Aho

UPDATE-

A few hours after writing this entry, a little friend came to comfort me. It's a sign for sure, but more than anything he gave me hope and comfort. It's funny how life works. Just when you think you're down and out, a little sign tells you to keep going. 

The wait continues...

Every couple who goes through fertility treatments is well aware of the "two week wait."It's just that two weeks. 14 days. Doesn't sound too bad, right? Wrong. It's brutal. It is TWO. LONG. ASS. WEEKS. Each day seems like a week. Each week seems like a month. It's short enough for family and friends who are cheering the couple on, but it's long enough for the patient to create scenarios in her mind after the most minute little ache, cramp or gas bubble. 

Me personally, this past week I have diagnosed myself at least twice a day. I have called it quits, I have congratulated myself and I have felt sorry for myself...sometimes all three in a single day. I have researched names and nursery themes and wondered what it would be like to be a Mother of two. I have cried and thrown fits because the cramp I just got on my left side must be a sign that this is nothing more than another failed attempt. 

It's brutal. The two week wait brings nothing but "what ifs", desperate prayers and an upset stomach. Every time I find myself back in this wait I wonder why I keep doing this to myself. 

Here's why...

Because I can almost feel it. I want that feeling of instant love like I had the second I held Olivia. I can picture myself laying on the couch at two in the morning with a sleeping baby on my chest. I want Olivia to be a big sister. I want her to have a sibling just as much as I want another child for my own selfish reasons. I want to watch this child sleep. I want to spoil this baby and not share him/her with anyone else. I want to feel complete. I want my family to be complete. 

I can feel it. I can see it. We are so close...

Today marked one week. One more week and we'll find out whether or not this dream is becoming a reality. Friends and family keep checking in and ask how I'm feeling. The one question is always, "What's your gut telling you? Do you feel anything?"

My gut is telling me that it's 15 pounds overweight and I feel an extra roll (ok two) that hangs over my pants. Other than that..

I'm uncomfortable, My belly is sore. I thought it was a sign of good things to come, but it's too early to tell. During my ultrasound today they confirmed that my body released one, maybe two eggs. I was disappointed, but they were thrilled. She said that's exactly how many they want and that anymore could have put us in a situation just like Olivia's pregnancy. And though I appreciate the road of caution, I wanted all four follicles to produce eggs. We did IVF for a year and a half straight, we went through 9 embryos...and all 9 embryos ended in either a failed attempt or a failed pregnancy. More than an egg or two is what I had hoped for. 

I have one follicle that is still sitting pretty...pretty large and causing quite a bit of pain in my abdomen. Today's ultrasound was so painful I almost had a panic attack and went into hysterics the second I got home. 

I'm tired. This week was a long week and next week will be even longer. I have butterflies in my stomach and I'm going to lose my mind should I have to wait any longer. 

I appreciate everyone's love and support. It's so nice hearing from friends from past time and new friends who have been following our journey. The words of encouragement has put a smile on my face and has helped make this process a smidge easier. 

Please wish us luck and say a little prayer. 

To be continued....