It wasn't meant to be...

It's not our turn. Not yet.

I woke up at 3am with confirmation that this IUI attempt was another failed round. I didn't need to wait until Friday's pregnancy test. I got my period. 

Angry. I laid in bed angry. Why does it have to be so hard? Why do we have to struggle? Why does it come so natural for most couples? We're good parents...no, we are great parents. We appreciate every single moment. We are thankful for the little girl we have been blessed with. We recognize the miracle a tiny little life truly is. Yet, we struggle. 

So I laid in bed angry and bitter. I thought it was an appropriate reaction and was proud of myself for not going into hysterics...but then I took a shower. As soon as the water hit my face I lost it. No longer angry, just heartbroken. My body continues to let me down and I have zero control. I can hope and pray until I am blue in the face, but it won't change anything. I sat in the bathroom and texted my brother. I knew he would be awake and I needed to lean on him in order to get the courage to go to work today. I felt bad that Don was sleeping, unaware of what took place the past few hours, but he needed his sleep and I didn't want him to wake up to his crying wife. I waited to tell him until he called me when he woke up. To be honest, he didn't seem to be surprised. I think he expected it which helped me break the news this time. 

It's funny, I actually had a good feeling this round. The past couple of weeks I've been seeing butterflies randomly flying around me. When I was younger, my Godfather passed away and my Grandma told me that every time I see a butterfly that that would be a sign that it was him checking up on me. Might sound funny, but I find comfort and get a little smile every time the little guy flies my way. The day before Olivia's egg retrieval Don and I went to breakfast and sat next to a window. During the entire breakfast a butterfly sat on the window next to me. It was a sign. And though that pregnancy brought me more pain than I could ever imagine, it also brought me the love of my life.

A couple weeks ago I took Olivia to the park and a butterfly kept flying around me. I stood there and smiled and thought, "This is it. It's going to work." Then on Sunday every time I walked outside there he was...a little butterfly flying all around. A good sign...I was sure of it. Unfortunately it didn't mean anything. I'm sitting here crying and completely disappointed. Maybe it wasn't suppose to be a sign of hope. Maybe it was more of a "I am here and you will be ok". 

So now I'm digging deep to find strength that I'm not sure I have. I talked to my doctor who said that the original plan of a few IUI rounds is now in the garbage. We will move forward with IVF. I start prepping for the next round tomorrow. Emotionally not ready, but what does that matter? This will be attempt #7. I'm starting to lose track, but if memory serves me correct the past year and a half has brought...

IVF Fail- 3

Ectopic- 1

Miscarriage- 1

IUI Fail- 1

The actual IVF will take place in July. It's going to be a long month, but hopefully the family get togethers and summer sunshine will keep me busy...not to mention my Olivia. She's a good distraction. 

No doubt I will cry the remainder of today, but I will have to get it together because I have a 3 year old princess party to throw next week for my munchkin. 

These tears...they're painful. I tell myself to throw in the towel, but my heart keeps telling me to keep trying. I just wonder if my dream is too far out of reach. Is it not meant to be? I struggle with this thought every single day. I wish I had the answer. 

A couple months ago I texted my brother saying "so&so is pregnant and I'm jealous :("...he said he was sorry that I was feeling that way.  Then a few hours later I got a text from him saying, "I think you should know that you have it all and that most people are jealous of you." I cried...he's right. 

I am struggling, but should this not work out, I am still a Mom at the end of the day to a healthy, beautiful little girl. Thank God for that. 

"It's having hope which requires having guts. So wear your heart on your sleeve and if it bleeds, let it, so long as it still beats" ~ Juhani Aho

UPDATE-

A few hours after writing this entry, a little friend came to comfort me. It's a sign for sure, but more than anything he gave me hope and comfort. It's funny how life works. Just when you think you're down and out, a little sign tells you to keep going.