Welcome to the world sweet boy...

I got her text at 4:45am that it was time. I didn't hesitate. Jumped out of bed, threw something on, grabbed my camera and out I went.

She's prepped, she's planned, hoped and prayed- and her time had finally come.

My little sister is a Mom.

I truly believe that the greatest gift in life is being able to parent a child. No amount of money in the bank, no fancy job or extravagant vacation will ever live up to that feeling you get when you've been blessed with such a sweet innocent soul.

Taylor had asked that I be in the delivery room with her and Matt. I was there to take pictures of their new little family, She had done the same for me- so it felt right. Her labor was long, heart wrenching and a tad dramatic, but she was a warrior and I couldn't be any prouder. Being able to witness the birth of your nephew is special. But being able to witness a little family being united is...priceless.

I took pictures the best I could, but then I took a little step back and watched as the three of them bonded.

I witnessed my sister becoming a Mom. I watched her fall in love the way only a Mom knows how. I watched her lose her breath at the very first sight of this handsome little boy. And I watched her whisper her first words to her new little man, "I've been waiting for you"...

The day was long and exhaustion was felt by every person in the room, but man...how it's all worth it.

Taylor and Matt...you hoped, you prayed, you wished and everything came true. He is perfect. Just perfect.

My advice to the both of you is to take in every moment. I know that's everyone's advice, but really. Take a million pictures. Kiss him a hundred times a day. Tell him you love him even at the hardest of times. Be best friends. You've just been blessed with a gift that not everyone is able to be blessed with. Never take for granted the gift of being a parent- I know you won't.

Welcome to the world Jackson Matthew Lee. You are loved. So loved.

What a wonderful life.

Who ever said wishing on stars really works?

I haven't slept good the past couple of nights. Not that I've ever slept through the night, but I've tossed and turned more than usual due to the constant race my mind has been running.

This shit is hard to take.

Olivia has been asking for a sibling more and more lately. I usually am able to change the subject or tell her to pray every night and ask God for a sibling, but lately she has been pretty demanding and less understanding.

Have hope. I tell her to have hope, but really I am the biggest hypocrite because I lost hope a long time ago.

I picked her up from my sisters house the other day and during our usual "how was your day" routine she sadly said, "I don't have anyone."

Deep breath. I knew where this was going.

I assured her that she had Mommy and Daddy, but she then went on to explain that she doesn't have any "kids".

"I don't have a brother or sister. I don't have anyone. I want a brother or sister."

She told me that she wanted what her cousins have. She said she wants to have a brother or sister to play with and that God isn't listening to what she wants.

I thought- you're right, he's not listening.

I told her to keep praying and to wish on a star and that maybe one day it will come true.

"Wishing on stars doesn't work."

"Sure it does! I wish on stars."

"Your wishes don't come true."

She's smart. So smart that its hard arguing with her. I asked her if she was sad and that's when the conversation broke my heart...

"I'm angry. And I'm so sad."

My kid has been sad and no doubt she will be sad a million more times, but I've never heard her say that she's angry. The worst part is that she is angry and hurt over something that I can't fix...and that kills me.

People always say "oh she'll be fine!" or "she has her cousins- she'll be fine!"

If we don't have another child there is no doubt that she will be "fine". I will make sure of it. But that doesn't mean she won't hurt or that she won't miss out. She is four years old and she can feel the void that we prayed she would never have to feel. Do you know how much that sucks? I feel like a failure. I feel that I am failing her every time she has to play by herself because she doesn't have a brother or sister to play with. I feel terrible that she's upstairs as we speak playing with her imaginary "princess sister". I felt terrible when the lady at American Girl Doll asked her if she was an only child. I hate labels- and "only child" is not something I strived for for my little girl. I panic when thinking that she won't have a sister standing beside her when she gets married. I'm throwing my little sister a baby shower and I always wonder- who will throw Olivia's? What if I'm not here? Who will she have when she's older and Christmas comes around the corner?

My heart breaks that she doesn't believe it will ever happen and unfortunately I can't promise her something that I'm not sure we can deliver on. It fucking sucks.

I spoil her. There's no doubt. I went down to a 4 day work week to make sure that one day out of the week was special for her and I. That one day means more to me then you'll ever know. I take her on an "adventure" every week and spend more money than I probably should, but I do it because I'll do anything I can to make her feel special.

Giving her a sibling should be an easy request- at least you'd think. I HATE that we struggle so much and I HATE that our struggle is now affecting her.

I'm at the point in my life where I need closure. We started back up with IVF right before Olivia turned one. She is now 4 years old. This saga has gone on long enough. My health concerns have held me up for over a year and I can't even begin to guess as to when we will get the green light to try again. I'm tired. I'm bitter. I'm sad and I'm angry. I think and I think and I think and I think. I pull the plug on trying and then get sucked back in two minutes later. I've rehearsed the conversation I will need to have with Olivia should a sibling not be in the cards. It's a conversation I dread, but... how much longer can this go on for?

I toss and I turn because it's hard to sleep through the night when your heart hurts so much...

Who ever said that wishing on stars really works?

So much hate...

The amount of hate in this country is overwhelming. It's scary and it's dangerous. People watch the news and automatically place guilt before knowing the facts. It's an uneducated decision to do so. Social media and biased news outlets have put lives at risk.

Yesterday I woke up to another white police on black shooting. Second day in a row. I thought shit. Here we go. Guilty or not I don't know. I wasn't there. I can't shout out support to the police officer nor can I support the man who got shot. I simply wasn't there. All I could do was pray that this country would sit quietly and let justice prevail. Let the details come out and guilty or not, we have a system in place that will handle the situation.

Last night I went to bed watching CNN. The tune quickly changed from police officers being unqualified, uneducated and dangerous personnel...to shots fired in Dallas. A couple officers down. Celebrities went from hashtagging blacklivesmatter to- oh wait! Blue lives matter too! It went from hate the police to pray for the police.

The news made me nauseous. I went to sleep praying that it would only be two cops and hopefully not with life threatening injuries. But then I woke up this morning to...

11 OFFICERS SHOT. 5 DEAD.

My God...

Are those 11 lives now enough to support the police?

Listen, there are bad eggs in every profession and in all communities. You have teachers raping students, priests touching children, parents killing their own children, gang members shooting 4 year olds, corrupt bankers destroying people financially, lying/cheating government officials. In every profession there's going to be an unqualified asshole who leaves a bad name for the job. Cops aren't perfect either. But most do their best. And we need them!

If you've been sitting there judging police officers these past few days then I challenge you to make a career change. If you can do it better then please do. If you have the courage and strength to put youf life on the line for the low, low price- then please, take on my challenge.

My husband is a police officer. Trust me when I say that I wish he wasn't. But he is a good guy. He puts his uniform on every single day without a single complaint. He chooses to walk out of our home to protect and save lives when there is zero respect for police officers.When he and his coworkers go to calls they are greeted with cell phones in the air videotaping every move they make. Waiting and wishing for someone to screw up. I go to bed every night and pray for the safety of every police officer and armed force. I pray because they need every prayer they can get.

I don't want my husband to put his life on the line to protect people who don't have an appreciation for life. I don't fine those people to be worth the sacrifice my husband or any other officer makes. Way back when, if you were a police officer you were a hero. Today, if you're a police officer you're a target. And that is shameful. We have government officials in this country who have gone public in saying they don't support law enforcement. We have celebrities who bash law enforcement with a "simple tweet" to the millions who follow. The same celebrities who use law enforcement for their own personal security.

We need police officers. Do we understand that these men and women who CHOOSE to be a police officer made that CHOICE? Do we understand that these men and women CHOOSE to save lives? Do we understand that these men and women CHOOSE to put their lives at risk? Do we understand that these men and women CHOOSE to miss holidays and celebrations with their families. This is a CHOICE. We cannot force men and women to become police officers. We cannot force people to choose this profession.

Every time a law enforcement official is caught in the spotlight there is an uproar. It's nasty and often gets out of control. Every news outlet covers the ruckus for days which creates even more animosity and unnecessary chaos. Oh, did you hear about the 4 year old boy who was shot while playing outside in Chicago? A couple months ago another toddler was shot in the head while riding in the back seat of her aunts car. Oh, just last week a Mom killed her 4 kids- stabbed them to death. Oh did you hear about that father that killed his kid who had a disability? How about the number of parents who accidentally "forget" their kid in a hot car- those incidences seem to be rising year after year. Where are those protests? Why aren't we protesting the safety of our children? Why aren't we demanding to get guns off the street?

Protests never go silent. People often shout "F the police"- "Police are pigs". You see people spitting in officers faces- throwing bottles and bricks at them, giving them the finger and yelling every profanity you can imagine. Businesses have been burned down and cars and homes have been vandalized."Peaceful protests" have become an internal war zone. Who are these people? They can't be human. They are filled with so much hate and disgust. Where are there parents? How were they raised? They are a piss poor example of being an American citizen.

The black lives matter hash tag angers me. We're all Americans. We all should want the same things. All lives matter. Black, white, gay, straight, male, female. What year is this!?!? Why have we taken hundreds of steps back? Why is it that the only time this country comes together is when there is an attack against our country. We all drive down the same roads, eat at the same restaurants, shop at the same stores. Every single person in this country has the same exact right as their next door neighbor. If you don't agree then you have the freedom to find a new home.

11 OFFICERS SHOT. 5 DEAD. I shake my head with disgust. Those 11 are real people. They have families just like you and I.

There are shootings every single day. White on white. Black on black. White on black. Man on Man. Female on Female. Husband on wife. Mom on children. Every which way. Its overwhelming. And I'm tired of it.

How do I explain the ugliness to my daughter? When her bubble bursts and she grows up knowing there is so much evil in this world, how do I explain that?

Our biggest problem use to be finding a cure for cancer. Now we think twice before entering a movie theater, going to a club, enjoying a meal at a restaurant, dropping our kids off at school or going to church. Last year we attended my daughters preschool orientation. I was uneasy with the whole idea of school. Crazy, right? At the end of the orientation they asked if any of the parents had any questions. My husband raised his hand and when called on he asked if the windows and doors in the school are bulletproof. You could hear a few gasps and eyes widened with such curiosity as to why he asked the question. As silence began to build we sat and waited for the answer. "I don't know." My husband explained that he assumed they would be since it was a newer school and since today's reality should require all schools to have some sort of protection. Besides, tornado drills have now been replaced with active shooter drills- even in preschool.

Our problems just aren't with race, religion, profession. We have a list of messed up problems. I don't know what the answer is. I wouldn't know where to begin. But I do know that we are moving quickly in a downward spiral and I am scared.

It use to be America the Beautiful. Its unfortunate, but America has slowly been losing the beauty that so many other countries strive for.

My heart is broken by all of the hate. I pray for better. You should too.

Finding time to celebrate others...

When things don't go your way- you still find it in your heart to celebrate others.

My little sister is pregnant.

I know, you're probably thinking- EEK! 
You're probably thinking I lost my mind.

I didn't. Not exactly. I cried and felt sorry for myself for about an hour- but I moved on- and yes, I am genuinely happy for her.

A couple weeks ago I threw her a gender reveal party. I think people thought I would have struggled doing so, but I didn't. And here's why...

I have come to terms with the fact that we may not have another child. Well, I have come to terms with the THOUGHT that we may not have another child. That THOUGHT has become very real in my mind. I've had conversations, to myself- quite often lately. Time is ticking. It's a constant tick that I hear every second of every.single.day. The struggle is starting to lessen.

I have accepted that our future is out of my hands. It has taken me several years to come to accept this. I have accepted the fact that no matter how hard we try, pray, wish and dream- another child may not be meant to be.

Our July IVF has been pushed back.

The medical issues I have been dealing with this past year is still ongoing and my Neurologist has asked that I be patient and hold off on July. I finally have a team of doctors who might be on to something so instead of playing doctor for myself- we will hold off another month. This obviously came with a lot of disappointment, but it's important that I don't put myself or a baby at risk.

A couple days after getting the call from my Neuro- I threw my sister her reveal party. I think if it were anyone else I would be a crabby, jealous mess. But my sister has been there with me through all of the pain I've endured the past 6 years. It is only right that I celebrate the joy she shared with me when I was pregnant with Olivia.

Things haven't exactly been going my way. I could be bitter- and sometimes I am. But it feels good to jump on the happy bandwagon and go with the flow. Sometimes you have to put on your big girl pants, take a deep breath- and go about your day. I was honored to be able to do this for my sister and her husband and I hope they know how happy my family is for them.

Oh, and by the way. My nephew will be here by November 1.



Congratulations Taylor & Matt!

She's BIG now!

"I got it Mom."
"I'll do it."
"I can do it all by myself."

She's big now. She tells me everyday. How that happened so quickly is beyond me. People always tell new parents to take in every moment- that before you know it the little munchkin will be all grown up. You smile and nod your head- but you don't really buy how fast time really does fly by.

Our Olivia turned 4 this past Sunday. It's been a birthday filled month for our peanut. Lots of festivities to celebrate our big girl. We try to go above and beyond to make her feel special. I hope she's loved everything that's come her way.

I say it on my blog all of the time and I will say it again- it feels like just yesterday this child was born into this world. I've loved every moment.

Even though she tells me daily that she's a big girl- I'm simply not ready. Being a big girl comes with a sense of independence. If I could hold on to her baby years a smidge longer- I would be happy.

Happiest birthday my Olivia. I hope you know how much you're loved. I hope you know how much you complete your Daddy and I. I wish nothing but great things for you and I am honored and privileged to be your Mama.

Here is a video montage we made for her birthday. Enjoy!

https://flipagram.com/f/r1y78z0FXg

We got the green light!

Last Friday Don and I sat down with Dr. Binor to go over our options. I hadn't seen him in a year and he wanted to meet to discuss what's been going on with my health.

For those who have been following my story, you know by now that we have taken a year off from IVF. It was a hard decision to make, but one that was needed. For some odd reason, my body changed literally over night and I have been dealing with a mess of unexplained health issues. After months of meeting with doctors who thought I was depressed over infertility, I am now with a team of doctors through Northwestern who are dedicated to finding out the cause to these bizarre symptoms. Tests came back a couple months ago showing I have small fiber neuropathy- which means, nerve damage. The nerve damage explains why my body feels like it's on fire every day. The tricky part is figuring out what is causing the nerve damage and why the facial flushing. In the next couple weeks I will move forward with autonomic testing. Should Northwestern not be able to get to the bottom of this mess, I will then be sent to Mayo Clinic. My HOPE is that they are on to something and figure it out because the thought of Mayo Clinic makes me nervous and to be frank- I don't have time for that.

The good news is that I have been cleared to move forward with my next IVF treatment. The iffy news is that, should I get pregnant, we're not sure how my body will feel. Will the burning increase? God, I hope not. Will the flushing increase? Who knows. Will the weakness increase? No one knows.

I have opted to not take the neuropathy medication at this time. You can't be pregnant and be on those type of medications. It needs to be out my body in order to move forward so I stopped taking Lyrica a month ago. It wasn't working anyway,

As soon as I got the green light I called Dr. Binor who thought it would be best to sit and talk about our options.

It was so nice seeing him. Expanding our family has been put on hold and for a couple that tried for 2 straight years, the wait was sometimes hard to deal with.

Dr. Binor's thought is that I may be dealing with Lupus. Did I forget to mention that over the past year I've been tested for Lupus about 8 or 9 times? Tests come back with a slight positive, but not high enough to be officially diagnosed. Lupus is a tricky, tricky disease to diagnose and doctors have been hesitant to make it official. Even though some symptoms point to Lupus, the major symptoms do not. Dr. Binor will be put me on Prednisone when I start the next round. If it starts making me feel better we may be a step closer to a diagnosis. The only thing is that if I do get pregnant, he will have to wean me off the medication so I will really only be on it for a short time.

Dr. Binor is on board with moving forward with another round. I was nervous he wouldn't be since I'm not 100%, but he reviewed the novel of test results from the past year and seems confident that Baby #2 is in our future. We didn't agree on fresh vs. frozen, but I will follow his advice and not pretend to play doctor. As stubborn as I sometimes tend to be, I have faith in this man and that is what matters most.

We have several viable frozen embryos. Dr. Binor wants to use the frozen while I want to do a fresh cycle. Depending on who you talk to and what you read, the success rate for a fresh cycle is slightly higher. I am biased because I got pregnant with Olivia on our first try- which was obviously a fresh cycle. Dr. Binor doesn't like "banking" embryos. They are technically little souls and most people discard their embryos once they have children. He also has zero concern over the quality of our embryos. The Embryologist grades your embryos and fortunately Don and I create textbook perfect embryos. Don tends to take the credit for that :)  I understand where Dr. B is coming from, but at the same time I'm getting older, Olivia is getting older and I have no time to spare. I also have to put an end to this long drawn out journey of ours.

Over the next month I will go in periodically so he can monitor my cycle. This will give him an idea as to ovulation, hormone levels, cervical lining progression, etc. I decided to hold off on a June IVF. Olivia turns 4 in June and I want to focus on her and her birthday. I also want to complete the autonomic testing and figure out next steps with my Northwestern doctors. The IVF transfer will be in July which means I start meds in June.

If we don't get pregnant this year, I am fairly confident that we will decide to walk away. It pains me to think of the possibility, but how long do you put up with disappointment and heartache before you've had enough? Unless you've gone through infertility you have no clue how mentally and emotionally draining the process is. I've cried- a lot. My heart has been hurt over and over and over again. My husband has been through the ringer. Our family has hurt along side of us. It's a very painful process and if it doesn't happen this year then we will move forward, as a family of 3. I'm not giving up, not now- but I know the decision we will need to make should this not go in our favor.

Driving to our appointment Olivia asked if she could have a baby sister. She's been asking a bunch of questions about Taylor (my sister) being pregnant and sure enough she is now asking for a baby of her own. I thought it was kind of funny that she asked while on our way to the consultation. Of course I teared up a bit, but mostly because I would love to fulfill her wish- unfortunately it's not in my hands. She asked me how we go about getting a baby sister and my response was simple.

"You have to pray to God and ask for a sister. Every night, pray as hard as you can and maybe we will be lucky enough to have a baby sister."

God, I hope you answer this little girls prayers. She is so deserving.

I am much, much more

I am more than 1 in 8.
I am much more than 1 in 8.

I am a fighter. A survivor. A mother.

I have been through hell and back- yet I stand tall. My journey to becoming a mother has been heartbreaking and tragic. I have been failed by my body time and time again.

I stay determined.

I have been pitied.
I have been judged.
I have been talked about.
I have received opinions I never asked for.

It's made me stronger.

Day in and day out I wonder if I will ever have another child. I sit in the back at church and ask Him if he's listening. I ask what I've done wrong. I've looked for signs, begged for signs.

I tell Him I'm not giving up.

I have lost count in the amount of IVF attempts. I have lost count in the number of embryos we have frozen. I have lost count in the amount of injections, pills, blood draws.

I am eager to keep going.

To date, I have lost 5 innocent souls. 2 miscarriages and 3 selective terminations. Each loss has brought me to my knees. Each loss has rocked my faith. Each loss has brought heartache, anger and confusion.

Each loss has taken a piece of my heart.

IVF works. I know it does. Just when I think I've given up, I look at my Olivia's face every day and she reminds me. As hard as it gets, I want her to see how strong her Mom is.

I want to be her hero just like she's mine.

Infertility the second time around is harder than the first (in my opinion). The pressure to give my daughter a sibling and to complete my family often feels like an uphill battle. It breaks my heart.

Infertility is brutal. The struggle is real and unless you’ve gone through it you will never fully understand it. Infertility has changed my life. Infertility has changed my family's life.

But infertility doesn’t define me. Being a Mom defines me. Being a strong woman defines me.

1 in 8 couples have trouble getting pregnant or sustaining a pregnancy. It's a fact.

I am much, much more than 1 in 8.

Making an adoption wish come true

I remember the day I was told that IVF was my only option. My tubes were blocked, I didn’t ovulate on my own and my body didn’t produce the necessary hormones to carry a pregnancy.

I was devastated.

I had heard of IVF, but I was naive as to what all it entailed. I remember sitting in the car crying because I wasn’t sure how much it was going to cost and how we would pay for it. My husband is a police officer and I’m in advertising. Decent jobs sure, but we’re not rolling in the money by any means.

I picked up the phone and called my Dad.

Everything I own- car, college education, credit cards, phone bills, wedding- it’s mine, all mine. We grew up with two parents who had plenty of money, but they were all about instilling values in their children. We never asked for money (unless it was for popcorn and a movie). Nothing was ever owed to us. We worked for everything we wanted. All four of us had jobs at 15. It’s just the way we were raised.

I was at my lowest of lows and I felt this was an exception.

“Dad. We have to do IVF. I heard it could run about $30,000. I don’t know how much insurance will cover, but should it not make a dent- you need pay for this.”

My Dad was a little thrown off. I pretty much demanded that he pony up $30,000. I wasn’t disrespectful, but desperate.

“I want a baby and money isn’t going to stop me. If I need the money you have to give it to me.”

My Dad told me not to panic and that we would work something out should it get to that. In the back of my mind I was thinking, “Yeah, we’ll work something out. You’re going to pay for it.”

Thankfully…and trust me when I say this…I thank God for the amount that our insurance covered.  Sure we’ve had our fair share of out of pocket expenses, but nothing in the amount of $30,000. We are very fortunate.

A couple years ago I sat in the waiting room waiting for Dr. Binor. I was flipping through a magazine while listening to another patient’s conversation with the office manager. They were going over the cost of her IVF procedure. I remember hearing her cry asking the office manager how she was going to pay for this. The manager was sympathetic while telling her she was sorry.

I sat there feeling so angry. How do you put a price tag on a baby? I mean, I know it’s the medical field. I know there are risks involved, but seriously, most insurance plans don’t offer sufficient coverage for infertility. Why make it so out of reach for hard working people who just want to become parents? It’s hard enough that they need fertility assistance in the first place.

I sat in the office feeling sorry for this girl. I told myself that one day, when I have the money, I will start a grant and it will go towards an IVF patient that would make a fantastic Mom/Dad.

Unfortunately I’m not there yet. I’m still trying to figure out my own fertility mess, but what I can do is help raise awareness and money for people who are just like me.

Today, I’m asking for your help.

My sister-in-law has been in my life for 20 years now. Her family is our family. It’s been no secret that her sister has been struggling to become a Mom. It’s been a 7 year battle. Can you imagine?

Michelle had tried multiple IVF attempts. She achieved a pregnancy and was beyond overjoyed. Soon into her pregnancy she found out the baby was extremely unhealthy which lead to an unviable pregnancy. This left Michelle completely heartbroken.

Making matters worse, Michelle found out the pregnancy damaged her uterus and that she would never be able to carry a child. Her only option was adoption.

Michelle signed on with an adoption agency soon after. After completing her profile and paying her dues, the agency went bankrupt and Michelle lost her investment.

Michelle is a single, hardworking, independent woman. Losing that investment was devastating.

Most people would have given up, but she kept on with hopes of one day becoming a Mom. Michelle decided to sign on with a new agency and after a number of months she received the call that she had been long waiting for. She was chosen to be a Mother to a baby that is due next month!

This baby is a true gift from God. She is counting down the days until she is finally holding her child, rocking her to sleep in the nursery that’s been waiting for her.

Unfortunately adoptions are very expensive. Michelle has already taken out a maximum high interest personal loan as well at posted her car as collateral.

She needs your help. We have $13,000 we need to raise in order to finalize this adoption. Whatever amount you are able to afford is greatly appreciated. Every single dollar counts.

When I found out Michelle needed assistance raising the money, I jumped at the opportunity. I look at my Olivia and I can’t imagine putting a price tag on her. I also can’t imagine coming up short and losing the opportunity of parenting a child.

If you’re a parent I want you to stop for a moment and thank God for the miracle you have received. I want you to be grateful for the struggle you never had to face in bringing your child into the world.

. 

Unfortunately not everyone is as fortunate.

Please help us bring this baby home.

https://www.gofundme.com/myadoptionjourney

Just like that she's a big girl

10,000.

I stopped counting at 10,000, but there's thousands more.

We've been spring cleaning, organizing and transitioning. It's been therapeutic, difficult, lovely and a struggle all at the same time.

I've been printing and organizing pictures of Olivia. She's 3 years old and between my camera and my cell phone I have easily taken over 10,000 pictures of this sweet child. You may think I overdo it- maybe- but as I should I overdo it is what I say!

I've set up photo shoots and have taken pictures of every single "first" this child has had. Every moment and celebration has been captured and I have zero regrets in saying that I have a slight obsession over my child. We've stuck her in pumpkins, jersey's, fields of flowers, chicken costumes full of feathers. I have her first bath, first cereal, first time in her crib, first picture with almost every member of our family, first step, first smile, first shoe, first time on the swings...I have the "first" of everything and every moment that came after that. Between my cell phone and my camera I have a picture of every single day of her life...so far.

The more pictures I print, the more emotional I get. I struggle with the fact that she is getting older. People always tell me that I have to come to terms with the fact that I can't keep her little. The inevitable will happen, I realize this. But this sweet girl will always be my baby and I will continue to grasp at every single memory we create for this child. Her 4th birthday is a few months away (gulp). I'm holding on to her toddler years for dear life, but before I know it the baby chubby cheeks and fingers will thin out and she will bloom into a little girl right before my eyes.

This past weekend was a heartbreaker. I'm almost embarrassed to say it, but we just now transitioned Olivia from her toddler bed into her "big girl" bed. I was in no rush to do so until I put her down for her nap the other day and had to do a double take. "Oh shit!" I thought..."she's outgrown her bed!"

When we registered for her bedroom furniture we registered for the bed rails in order to transition her crib into a full size bed. I had been stalling on making the move because to be honest, I was waiting for baby #2. I would put baby #2 into the crib and buy Olivia a new set that I had my eyes on at Pottery Barn. When family would tell me to transition the bed I would say, "Oh no, I can't. I want another baby and that will be that baby's crib...so I need a new set for Olivia." Often times I would get a pitiful look like, "Oh this pathetic poor soul is losing her mind." But I'm not losing my mind. This has been my plan. Haven't you ever made a plan for yourself and your family? It's what I do, make plans. In fact, I've had plans for my family of 4 for a long time now. I know what room Baby #2 will take over, I've planned out his/her name- I have had all of my ducks in a row for this child that doesn't exist...and may never exist.

It had really hit me a couple weeks ago that my dream of being a family of four may never come true. I was crying in the kitchen and told Don that I don't see it happening anymore. The hope is fading away and the clear picture that I once had is drifting further and further away. It's a very difficult realization to come to. Especially when you're not the one making the decision. I have my body and fate to blame for this one...and should this be the case, I will never be able to find forgiveness. Don't get me wrong- we're not throwing in the towel. Don even said that we will fight like hell, but should it not happen this year...we will need to make some decisions.

Instead of the beautiful Pottery Barn bed I wanted, we decided to convert the crib into a big girl bed. The crib just isn't needed at this time.

I took Olivia to shop for a mattress and comforter. She was beyond excited for this moment. While we browsed the bedding aisle she pointed to a comforter and said, "Wow, Mom! This looks so comfortable for me." I instantly welled up. I remember picking out her nursery bedding. I looked at every option out there. I found retailers in Europe and browsed their selections as well. I wanted the best and because I was on bed rest I had all the time in the world to look at every single option out there. Now here I am with my soon to be 4 year old and she's assisting in picking out her "big girl bedding". I don't quite know where the time went.

We went to a couple mattress stores- she bounced around and told me what she liked. Nothing I saw was good enough for her though. Everything was either too hard, too soft or too cheap. So we left empty handed and I dropped her off for a nap so I could head back out and wrap up my search.

I called my aunt on the way to the store. Where do I go? What do I look for? How much do I spend? She mentioned that every mattress store was the same and she gave me firm instructions to make one stop and pick out a mattress that was reasonable- "Don't break the bank. This isn't her forever mattress."

Even though I told her I would make one stop- I made two more. I needed a good comparison. I sat on every mattress. Even the mattresses that cost a few thousand dollars. The mattresses I was serious about I laid on. Tossed and turned. What was a I looking for you ask? Perfection.

The sales manager showed me the mattress that "all parents get for their children". I thought it looked sad. It was a step away from a futon mattress and I wasn't having it for my Olivia. Nope- not good enough. We walked around the store and he taught me all about mattresses. He even showed me the supply in the back room just so I knew that I wasn't missing out on seeing something great. I narrowed the selection down to three finalists which were all well over my budget. I sat there waiting while he crunched some numbers. So far two hours had gone by and while I waited for his next best offer I texted my aunt-

"I feel like I'm buying a car right now."

"Wait, are you still there?"

"Yes."

"For fuck sake pick out a damn mattress!"

Ok, ok...she was right. I took this search over board. I had done several rounds of negotiations (which I love doing). I had even threatened to walk out which in the back of my mind wouldn't have been the worse thing. It just would have meant another few more nights in her crib. I wouldn't have minded.
I was looking for perfection, comfort and something that screamed "Big Girl"...and I found it. I found my girl her big girl mattress just like I found her infant mattress. This my friends, is another milestone. You may not think it's a big deal, but every new milestone in our household is a BIG DEAL.

I came home and told Olivia her mattress would be coming the next day. When we tucked her in later that night Don said, "This is the last time we tuck you into your baby bed!" Before kissing her goodnight I made a bee line for the door with tears in my eyes. This was the last time she would be in her baby bed. Perhaps the last time we would ever be using a baby bed- period. Shit. I'M NOT READY FOR THIS TRANSITION!

Ready or not- it happened. We followed through with our promise and before we knew it we were tucking our baby into her new bed. Gulp. Just like that she became a big girl.

And you bet your ass I got the "first night in her big girl bed" picture. Add it to the collection of 10,000+.

  

I just love her. 

Sometimes it's just hard.

"You are so lucky. You are so lucky."

He repeated himself five or six times while I sat there with tears flowing.

I know. I know I am so lucky. I believe everyone should be blessed enough to have an Olivia. I'm so lucky to have this child and I'm so lucky to be called a Mom. I'm lucky, I know. I get it.

The other day I had a mini meltdown. That happens from time to time, but this meltdown had been building. Taking a break from IVF has been getting to me. I'm still having these episodes, I still don't have answers from any doctor and I still can't do IVF until I get this resolved. In the meantime the clock that everyone talks about once you turn 30 continues to tick in the back of my mind. I hear it every second of every day and it's starting to take it's toll.

I got wind that my younger sister might start trying for a baby in the near future. Deep down I know the time is getting closer and deep down I can't blame her one bit- but it doesn't take away the blow I would feel should she get pregnant before I do. I've been thinking and thinking about what my reaction would be should that day come. I do a very good job of faking a "CONGRATULATIONS I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!" reaction, but I can do that when it comes to friends and coworkers getting pregnant. I wouldn't be able to fake it with my own sister...especially this sister. She could read me like a book and I think she would be hurt if I faked my reaction.

Since hearing this news a couple weeks ago I've really been training myself to get it together and prepare for the day, but who am I fooling- it kills me, I know, I know! I have a child. I'm selfish. This is my own sister we are talking about. I get it. I know. I've yelled at myself and have slapped my own hand, but I'll be the first to admit...I'm selfish...and I'm immature...and I have jealous issues. There. I said it.

Holding these feelings in the past couple of weeks have been hard. Who could I talk to without them yelling at me for feeling this way? Who would put me in my place in the most gentle of ways?

My brother came over the other night and when we sat on the couch I quietly said, "hey...did you hear she might start trying soon?" His eyes kind of grew big and I could tell he already knew. I could also tell that he knew where this conversation was going. Having a heart to heart with my brother could go one of two ways. He'll either tell you to knock it off and quit crying- or he'll sit there and won't move until he gets you to stop crying. It was my lucky day because I was in no mood to get scolded.

I told myself I wouldn't cry, but as soon as he confirmed the information I cried. I told him I'm not mature and that I get jealous when I see others get pregnant. I told him that it's killing me that I have yet to have #2- not just for myself, but for Olivia. He let me cry and he said he was sorry- but he also told me to get it together. He told me that though I hurt- he knows I'll be happy for my sister when the day comes that she gets pregnant. He also told me that she's been hesitant to try because of my situation and that kills me.

Not getting pregnant isn't just about me. It's about my child having a sibling. Of course I want a baby for my own selfish reasons, but having a little partner for my Olivia would complete me.

I grew up with two sisters and a brother. We were and still are best friends. We leaned on one another to get through some tough times during our childhood and even now as adults- when we hurt or struggle, we have one another to lean on. My best friends are my siblings. Period.

My older sister just went through a hard time last fall. I went over to her house to help out with some yard work and to lift her spirits. I felt like crap that day, but knew she felt worse and that she needed me. She stood in her yard crying and thanked me for helping her. It killed me to see her in so much pain, and in the back of my mind all I could think of was thank God we have each other- and that I wanted Olivia to have the same. Don and I won't always be around. As much as I would love to think that Neverland exists, it doesn't. There's going to come a time when Olivia will need someone to lean on other than her parents. I want that for my child.

I explained this all to Pete who in turn couldn't argue my feelings, but did his best to calm my heart.

"She's healthy. She's happy. She has the best parents. You might not be able to give her a sibling, but you're giving her a great life damn it. She's a miracle. Look at her. She is a miracle!"

I might not be able to give her a sibling. I might not be able to give her a sibling. I might not be able to give her a sibling. 

A second child may not be in the cards for me. A sibling may not be in the cards for Olivia.

Just as I type this statement out I cry. How? Why? What did I do? I'm a great Mom. Don is a great Dad. We work hard. We've proven ourselves. I'll never understand. I want it so bad!!

I know now more than ever that we may not have another child. It's something that I have to come to terms with, but I'm still not totally convinced. I still pray every night and will continue to do so.

Before Peter left my house that night he told me to genuinely support our sister. "Tell her you're there for her. You're practically a Gynecologist now- give her a little help."

My sister could very well get pregnant before I do. I know this and I've accepted this and I'm ok with this. She's there for me always and I will be for her. She has had my back and is one of my biggest fans. It's only right to treat her with the same respect and love. I would never want someone to put their life on hold because my life isn't working out according to plan. Taylor- go have your babies. You deserve an Olivia too.

You know- when I was in labor I was scared out of my mind. My pregnancy was so unpredictable that I had no idea how the delivery would go. A couple hours before I delivered I looked at Don and told him that we should ask someone to come into our room and take pictures of the birth so we don't miss out on the keepsake. Even though we originally agreed that it would just be him and I in the delivery room I convinced him that we needed the pictures. There was a person I had in mind and it wasn't just because I trusted her with my camera. It was because I needed her to keep me calm. I called Taylor at about 5am and she arrived 20 minutes later. It was like she was waiting for my call.

Olivia is 3 1/2 years old and there is one picture that is my absolute favorite. I get so many compliments, but it's because of Taylor that this picture exists.




Maybe I'll be able to capture this same photo for you one day. Who knows...maybe we'll have our babies at the same time. One could dream, right?

Welcome Home

Last weekend Olivia told us she no longer wanted "toy pets" and that she wanted the real thing..."a real doggy". She's brought it up in the past, but we've always been able to have the "one day we'll have a dog" talk. This time she wasn't having it. Very persistent, almost demanding- she made her case as to why she needed to have a "real doggy".  Don has also been wanting a dog. Not that I don't, but life has been crazy and I swore up and down that we wouldn't get a dog until we got a fence.

I put Olivia to bed that night telling her that we would think about it while hoping she would forget about it. My hope was short lived. The next morning she woke up begging for me to take her to the store for her "white fluffy doggy". Over a bowl of cereal I tried explaining to her how much doggies cost and how much work they are. I told her that maybe she could ask for a doggie for her next birthday (again hoping that would buy me another 6 months). That's when Olivia took her case to a whole new level....

Olivia- "I want a real live doggy. I don't have anything live."

Me- "Do you want a fish?"

Olivia- "No. I want a dog."

Me- "Uncle Pete said you can play with Vincent anytime you want. Maybe we can have a sleepover with Vincent (my brother's dog)"

Olivia- "No. That's Gracie's doggy. You can't take other kids dogs. I want my own. Gracie has a dog and a brother. I don't have anything."

Oooooooooo....deep breath, deep breath, deep breath...

I knew where this conversation was going and it's a conversation I'm not strong enough to have at the moment. She's mentioned in the past that her dolls are her sisters and I've managed to quickly change the subject. Don would be much better at having this conversation with. As soon as she finished her sentence I welled up...and just like that, I was online looking for dogs.

I can't give my kid a sibling- at least not at the moment. I know she's happy and I know we are great parents, but I wonder if she feels she's missing a companion. I wonder if there is a part of her that wishes she had something of her own.

I told my brother and sister about the conversation and they were both insistent that I get this kid a dog. Before I knew it the both of them were searching for "white" dogs.

All week I went back and forth. Do I, don't I, do I, don't I. Don was 100% on board, but I still needed to be convinced. I talked to my Mom who told me she thought I should focus on my health, but she said, "I know you'll get the dog because you're always trying to create this perfect dream world for Olivia. She wants a dog- I know you'll get her one." I hung up the phone and sat there thinking...and thinking...and thinking...




Please meet, Lulu Cummings.





All week I stressed about whether or not to get this dog, but after seeing how happy this little pup has made my Olivia- I know we made the right decision. For the time being this little dog is filling whatever void my child feels she has and for that, it is worth every penny and ounce of hard work.

  



Lulu is an American Eskimo. When I was researching the breed one website said, "Eskimo's just want to be a part of the family." Well Lulu, you're in the right home because we've been looking to add to our family. Welcome home, Lulu.

Here's to a new year, new beginning...

Happy New Year!

A lot can happen in 12 months. A year goes by much faster in your adult years then when you were a kid. All I wanted when I was a kid was for time to speed up so I could make it to the next milestone. Now I all I want is for time to slow down. It's funny how things change once you become an adult.

This past year is a year I would like to forget, yet it's going to follow me into the new year which is unfortunate. I sat here today thinking how upsetting this past year has been. Not just in my own life, but in the lives of my loved ones as well.

I swore this past year was going to be my year. Instead it's been nothing but a royal pain in my ass. It's been 6 months of dealing with health issues that have yet to be diagnosed. I've put all fertility treatments on hold until the doctors figure out what's going on. The good news is that I switched all of my doctors and I feel confident I'm with the right group. Testing is underway and I'm anxious more than ever to get some answers so I can move on with my life. My new goal for the next IVF round is March, my birthday. I don't feel good about getting a diagnosis by then, but I have to think positive. In the meantime I sit here watching Olivia get older and older and it's killing me inside that she has yet to have a sibling. I never wanted such a large age gap between children, but then again when do I ever get a say?? Patience is something I've been working on, but I'm running on fumes as of lately.

The holidays were a struggle this year, but I made the best of it and enjoyed as much as I could. This was the first year that Olivia actually grasped who Santa Claus is. Watching your child's eyes light up with amazement from the magic you've created is worth every ounce of effort (and penny). Her innocence is something I am trying to preserve for as long as I possibly can. I told her the other night that I want fly to Neverland with her so she never gets big. She put her hands on her hips and refused my one way ticket saying, "Mom! I have to get big!!" Ok, ok...technically she's right. The inevitable is going to happen, but I'm loving the moments of playing make belief with her. Before I know it she'll be walking herself up to bed and won't need me to kiss her goodnight. I refuse to believe that that's just around the corner! Everyone always tells me to take in every moment. That it goes fast. At first I would laugh it off, but it's 100% true. This thing called "life" goes way too fast and before I know it my baby will be all grown up.

I was talking to my friend last week about having more kids. She was saying that she always wanted a 3rd, but now that her other two kids are getting older, she can't imagine starting all over. I know what she means. Olivia's getting older which means I'm getting older. You adjust to children growing up and you appreciate sleeping through the night, no more diapers, the ease of leaving the house without having to time feedings and naps. In my opinion, it gets easier as they get older. It makes me a little nervous thinking this way. I've always wanted a second, but after talking to more and more people who have declare the end of their baby days- it's hard not to wonder if I should make the same declaration. Do I want a big gap between my kids? How much older am I willing to get before I call it quits? Do I want to start all over even though Olivia is a piece of cake?? It's a hard call. I've flip flopped a million times. My heart wants more kids while my head is saying- whoa nelly!

My sister-in-law came for a visit yesterday with my nephew, Ian. He's so snuggly and such a happy baby. He's at the age where a simple game of peek-a-boo is the funniest thing in the world. Before he came over I wasn't feeling great. When I get these episodes my body starts burning and my face gets all flushed. My joints feel stiff and dizziness kicks in. It's a joy let me tell you. I was a little nervous about having company, but once I held that baby I forgot about how crappy I had been feeling that day. I watch how happy Meghan is with her new little man and it quickly brought me back to when my Olivia was that age. I watched Ian sleeping on his Momma and at that moment I was reassured that my baby days aren't over. I long to have that moment once again.

Even though I said 2015 was going to be my year- I pray to God that 2016 will make my dream come true.

Happy 2016 to all. Here's to a new year and new beginning.