Just like that she's a big girl

10,000.

I stopped counting at 10,000, but there's thousands more.

We've been spring cleaning, organizing and transitioning. It's been therapeutic, difficult, lovely and a struggle all at the same time.

I've been printing and organizing pictures of Olivia. She's 3 years old and between my camera and my cell phone I have easily taken over 10,000 pictures of this sweet child. You may think I overdo it- maybe- but as I should I overdo it is what I say!

I've set up photo shoots and have taken pictures of every single "first" this child has had. Every moment and celebration has been captured and I have zero regrets in saying that I have a slight obsession over my child. We've stuck her in pumpkins, jersey's, fields of flowers, chicken costumes full of feathers. I have her first bath, first cereal, first time in her crib, first picture with almost every member of our family, first step, first smile, first shoe, first time on the swings...I have the "first" of everything and every moment that came after that. Between my cell phone and my camera I have a picture of every single day of her life...so far.

The more pictures I print, the more emotional I get. I struggle with the fact that she is getting older. People always tell me that I have to come to terms with the fact that I can't keep her little. The inevitable will happen, I realize this. But this sweet girl will always be my baby and I will continue to grasp at every single memory we create for this child. Her 4th birthday is a few months away (gulp). I'm holding on to her toddler years for dear life, but before I know it the baby chubby cheeks and fingers will thin out and she will bloom into a little girl right before my eyes.

This past weekend was a heartbreaker. I'm almost embarrassed to say it, but we just now transitioned Olivia from her toddler bed into her "big girl" bed. I was in no rush to do so until I put her down for her nap the other day and had to do a double take. "Oh shit!" I thought..."she's outgrown her bed!"

When we registered for her bedroom furniture we registered for the bed rails in order to transition her crib into a full size bed. I had been stalling on making the move because to be honest, I was waiting for baby #2. I would put baby #2 into the crib and buy Olivia a new set that I had my eyes on at Pottery Barn. When family would tell me to transition the bed I would say, "Oh no, I can't. I want another baby and that will be that baby's crib...so I need a new set for Olivia." Often times I would get a pitiful look like, "Oh this pathetic poor soul is losing her mind." But I'm not losing my mind. This has been my plan. Haven't you ever made a plan for yourself and your family? It's what I do, make plans. In fact, I've had plans for my family of 4 for a long time now. I know what room Baby #2 will take over, I've planned out his/her name- I have had all of my ducks in a row for this child that doesn't exist...and may never exist.

It had really hit me a couple weeks ago that my dream of being a family of four may never come true. I was crying in the kitchen and told Don that I don't see it happening anymore. The hope is fading away and the clear picture that I once had is drifting further and further away. It's a very difficult realization to come to. Especially when you're not the one making the decision. I have my body and fate to blame for this one...and should this be the case, I will never be able to find forgiveness. Don't get me wrong- we're not throwing in the towel. Don even said that we will fight like hell, but should it not happen this year...we will need to make some decisions.

Instead of the beautiful Pottery Barn bed I wanted, we decided to convert the crib into a big girl bed. The crib just isn't needed at this time.

I took Olivia to shop for a mattress and comforter. She was beyond excited for this moment. While we browsed the bedding aisle she pointed to a comforter and said, "Wow, Mom! This looks so comfortable for me." I instantly welled up. I remember picking out her nursery bedding. I looked at every option out there. I found retailers in Europe and browsed their selections as well. I wanted the best and because I was on bed rest I had all the time in the world to look at every single option out there. Now here I am with my soon to be 4 year old and she's assisting in picking out her "big girl bedding". I don't quite know where the time went.

We went to a couple mattress stores- she bounced around and told me what she liked. Nothing I saw was good enough for her though. Everything was either too hard, too soft or too cheap. So we left empty handed and I dropped her off for a nap so I could head back out and wrap up my search.

I called my aunt on the way to the store. Where do I go? What do I look for? How much do I spend? She mentioned that every mattress store was the same and she gave me firm instructions to make one stop and pick out a mattress that was reasonable- "Don't break the bank. This isn't her forever mattress."

Even though I told her I would make one stop- I made two more. I needed a good comparison. I sat on every mattress. Even the mattresses that cost a few thousand dollars. The mattresses I was serious about I laid on. Tossed and turned. What was a I looking for you ask? Perfection.

The sales manager showed me the mattress that "all parents get for their children". I thought it looked sad. It was a step away from a futon mattress and I wasn't having it for my Olivia. Nope- not good enough. We walked around the store and he taught me all about mattresses. He even showed me the supply in the back room just so I knew that I wasn't missing out on seeing something great. I narrowed the selection down to three finalists which were all well over my budget. I sat there waiting while he crunched some numbers. So far two hours had gone by and while I waited for his next best offer I texted my aunt-

"I feel like I'm buying a car right now."

"Wait, are you still there?"

"Yes."

"For fuck sake pick out a damn mattress!"

Ok, ok...she was right. I took this search over board. I had done several rounds of negotiations (which I love doing). I had even threatened to walk out which in the back of my mind wouldn't have been the worse thing. It just would have meant another few more nights in her crib. I wouldn't have minded.
I was looking for perfection, comfort and something that screamed "Big Girl"...and I found it. I found my girl her big girl mattress just like I found her infant mattress. This my friends, is another milestone. You may not think it's a big deal, but every new milestone in our household is a BIG DEAL.

I came home and told Olivia her mattress would be coming the next day. When we tucked her in later that night Don said, "This is the last time we tuck you into your baby bed!" Before kissing her goodnight I made a bee line for the door with tears in my eyes. This was the last time she would be in her baby bed. Perhaps the last time we would ever be using a baby bed- period. Shit. I'M NOT READY FOR THIS TRANSITION!

Ready or not- it happened. We followed through with our promise and before we knew it we were tucking our baby into her new bed. Gulp. Just like that she became a big girl.

And you bet your ass I got the "first night in her big girl bed" picture. Add it to the collection of 10,000+.

  

I just love her.