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Last weekend Olivia told us she no longer wanted "toy pets" and that she wanted the real thing..."a real doggy". She's brought it up in the past, but we've always been able to have the "one day we'll have a dog" talk. This time she wasn't having it. Very persistent, almost demanding- she made her case as to why she needed to have a "real doggy".  Don has also been wanting a dog. Not that I don't, but life has been crazy and I swore up and down that we wouldn't get a dog until we got a fence.

I put Olivia to bed that night telling her that we would think about it while hoping she would forget about it. My hope was short lived. The next morning she woke up begging for me to take her to the store for her "white fluffy doggy". Over a bowl of cereal I tried explaining to her how much doggies cost and how much work they are. I told her that maybe she could ask for a doggie for her next birthday (again hoping that would buy me another 6 months). That's when Olivia took her case to a whole new level....

Olivia- "I want a real live doggy. I don't have anything live."

Me- "Do you want a fish?"

Olivia- "No. I want a dog."

Me- "Uncle Pete said you can play with Vincent anytime you want. Maybe we can have a sleepover with Vincent (my brother's dog)"

Olivia- "No. That's Gracie's doggy. You can't take other kids dogs. I want my own. Gracie has a dog and a brother. I don't have anything."

Oooooooooo....deep breath, deep breath, deep breath...

I knew where this conversation was going and it's a conversation I'm not strong enough to have at the moment. She's mentioned in the past that her dolls are her sisters and I've managed to quickly change the subject. Don would be much better at having this conversation with. As soon as she finished her sentence I welled up...and just like that, I was online looking for dogs.

I can't give my kid a sibling- at least not at the moment. I know she's happy and I know we are great parents, but I wonder if she feels she's missing a companion. I wonder if there is a part of her that wishes she had something of her own.

I told my brother and sister about the conversation and they were both insistent that I get this kid a dog. Before I knew it the both of them were searching for "white" dogs.

All week I went back and forth. Do I, don't I, do I, don't I. Don was 100% on board, but I still needed to be convinced. I talked to my Mom who told me she thought I should focus on my health, but she said, "I know you'll get the dog because you're always trying to create this perfect dream world for Olivia. She wants a dog- I know you'll get her one." I hung up the phone and sat there thinking...and thinking...and thinking...




Please meet, Lulu Cummings.





All week I stressed about whether or not to get this dog, but after seeing how happy this little pup has made my Olivia- I know we made the right decision. For the time being this little dog is filling whatever void my child feels she has and for that, it is worth every penny and ounce of hard work.

  



Lulu is an American Eskimo. When I was researching the breed one website said, "Eskimo's just want to be a part of the family." Well Lulu, you're in the right home because we've been looking to add to our family. Welcome home, Lulu.

Here's to a new year, new beginning...

Happy New Year!

A lot can happen in 12 months. A year goes by much faster in your adult years then when you were a kid. All I wanted when I was a kid was for time to speed up so I could make it to the next milestone. Now I all I want is for time to slow down. It's funny how things change once you become an adult.

This past year is a year I would like to forget, yet it's going to follow me into the new year which is unfortunate. I sat here today thinking how upsetting this past year has been. Not just in my own life, but in the lives of my loved ones as well.

I swore this past year was going to be my year. Instead it's been nothing but a royal pain in my ass. It's been 6 months of dealing with health issues that have yet to be diagnosed. I've put all fertility treatments on hold until the doctors figure out what's going on. The good news is that I switched all of my doctors and I feel confident I'm with the right group. Testing is underway and I'm anxious more than ever to get some answers so I can move on with my life. My new goal for the next IVF round is March, my birthday. I don't feel good about getting a diagnosis by then, but I have to think positive. In the meantime I sit here watching Olivia get older and older and it's killing me inside that she has yet to have a sibling. I never wanted such a large age gap between children, but then again when do I ever get a say?? Patience is something I've been working on, but I'm running on fumes as of lately.

The holidays were a struggle this year, but I made the best of it and enjoyed as much as I could. This was the first year that Olivia actually grasped who Santa Claus is. Watching your child's eyes light up with amazement from the magic you've created is worth every ounce of effort (and penny). Her innocence is something I am trying to preserve for as long as I possibly can. I told her the other night that I want fly to Neverland with her so she never gets big. She put her hands on her hips and refused my one way ticket saying, "Mom! I have to get big!!" Ok, ok...technically she's right. The inevitable is going to happen, but I'm loving the moments of playing make belief with her. Before I know it she'll be walking herself up to bed and won't need me to kiss her goodnight. I refuse to believe that that's just around the corner! Everyone always tells me to take in every moment. That it goes fast. At first I would laugh it off, but it's 100% true. This thing called "life" goes way too fast and before I know it my baby will be all grown up.

I was talking to my friend last week about having more kids. She was saying that she always wanted a 3rd, but now that her other two kids are getting older, she can't imagine starting all over. I know what she means. Olivia's getting older which means I'm getting older. You adjust to children growing up and you appreciate sleeping through the night, no more diapers, the ease of leaving the house without having to time feedings and naps. In my opinion, it gets easier as they get older. It makes me a little nervous thinking this way. I've always wanted a second, but after talking to more and more people who have declare the end of their baby days- it's hard not to wonder if I should make the same declaration. Do I want a big gap between my kids? How much older am I willing to get before I call it quits? Do I want to start all over even though Olivia is a piece of cake?? It's a hard call. I've flip flopped a million times. My heart wants more kids while my head is saying- whoa nelly!

My sister-in-law came for a visit yesterday with my nephew, Ian. He's so snuggly and such a happy baby. He's at the age where a simple game of peek-a-boo is the funniest thing in the world. Before he came over I wasn't feeling great. When I get these episodes my body starts burning and my face gets all flushed. My joints feel stiff and dizziness kicks in. It's a joy let me tell you. I was a little nervous about having company, but once I held that baby I forgot about how crappy I had been feeling that day. I watch how happy Meghan is with her new little man and it quickly brought me back to when my Olivia was that age. I watched Ian sleeping on his Momma and at that moment I was reassured that my baby days aren't over. I long to have that moment once again.

Even though I said 2015 was going to be my year- I pray to God that 2016 will make my dream come true.

Happy 2016 to all. Here's to a new year and new beginning.