"How's Olivia!?"
It's been two years since I've seen her and she still remembers my Olivia's name. I'm surprised, but not surprised at the same time. She cares. She genuinely cares.
Her name is Nora and she's been my nurse since the first time I started seeing Dr. Binor. She is short like myself, always has a smile on her face and an enthusiastic tone in her voice. She's rooted us on from day one and has shared our joy when there's been joy and disappointment when there's been disappointment. She's genuine and she's kind and she means a lot to me.
"She just started Kindergarten. She's getting big. Too big."
"That flew by, didn't it?"
"Too much."
We caught up and spoke about what's been going on these past couple of years.
"So, you're ready to go at it again?"
"I'm not getting any younger. Are you going to be my nurse still?"
Dr. Binor assigns one sole nurse to every case. They're all great, but Nora has been with me from the start.
"I wouldn't have it any other way. Is that ok with you?"
"I just wasn't sure if you still wanted me. I think I killed your success rate."
We laughed- pitifully. She gave me the wink she always gives me and tells me it's going to work. "It" meaning IVF.
Don and I quietly waited for Dr. Binor. We haven't seen him in two years. It was time. We waited long enough and it was time to have this conversation. As nervous and as anxious as we were, our nerves left us as soon as that man walked through the door.
Dr. Binor is the type of doctor that knows his patients chart inside and out. Because our case is unique and one for the books, we have a special connection with this man. As often as we think of him, he thinks of us just as much.
We talked about what's been going on health wise these past two years. Though I don't have an official diagnosis, I have been cleared to move forward with IVF by my neurologist. I would be lying if I said I wasn't a tiny bit hesitant to try again. For one, I'm older. Two, Olivia is getting older and the thought of starting all over is a bit daunting. Three, I don't have an official diagnosis and my doctors aren't sure what a pregnancy will do to my body. It may make my symptoms worse, it may not. We just don't know.
"Go have your babies, you're not getting any younger"- is how my neurologist gave me the green light. We will continue with consultations and safe testing should I become pregnant, but the good news is I am now cleared to try again. It's been a long two years- but it was a needed break- even if I didn't have a choice.
Don and I went back to Dr. Binor when Olivia was 10 months old. We tried for two straight years. 7 embryo transfers and like my pregnancy with Olivia, those transfers brought us more heartache and drama than we ever could have imagined. Two years took a toll on me emotionally. More than I ever realized. I remember laying in my bed with my brother after our last attempt failed and he suggested I take a break- to get myself back together and to live life again. I couldn't understand why he told me to get myself back together- I was together! Or so I thought.
After that final attempt I had really lost all hope. Don or his mom would give me my injections and I would lay there crying. They had to go through so much scar tissue that the pain became unbearable. My heart hurt every day and I would coast through the day feeling numb to the bone.
As much as my medical issues have come in the way of our future, a break was necessary. I know this.
Dr. Binor talked about the month long cycle evaluation. It will consist of blood work, ultrasounds and a biopsy to rule out chronic endometritis. Once the evaluation is complete we will have a more concrete plan and move forward with the next round.
Fresh or frozen? It's always brought up when we talk. Dr. Binor is very much against any couple "banking" embryos. Why? Because they are living human embryos. Once a couple calls it quits or completes their family, they discard the embryos. I agree, I don't like the idea of banking embryos however, I've had one successful live birth and that live birth came from a fresh cycle. I've always been partial to fresh cycles. When it comes to frozen we technically have 5 embryos however, we have 3 that he believes will give us the best chance. I don't have another two years worth of trying to conceive. I have a couple tries left before closing this chapter of our lives.
"What is the success rate, for a typical patient?"
"You're not a typical patient. If you were we wouldn't be sitting here right now. It should have already worked for you."
He's right, I'm not typical. My body throws a curve ball every chance it gets.
"You've given me quite the headache. What is it about your system that is preventing this from happening?"
I've asked myself this question every single day, multiple times a day. When I can't come up with an answer I simply shout out, "what the f*ck!?"
"How is she?"
"She" meaning the one.
"She's great. She's 5 now. She just started kindergarten."
"Show me a picture."
I had my phone ready to show her off. If he wanted he could flip through all 5,395 pictures I have saved on my phone (my phone is only a year old).
"Wow, is she something. She's beautiful."
I teared up and didn't have to look to see what Don's reaction was because I saw him wiping the tears from his eyes. We are so proud of her- and we are so thankful for him.
"She was the best of the best. Really, she was the best of the best."
We both nodded. There were four of them, but she was the strongest. They were all the best, but she is the one who made it- and at times, she really probably shouldn't have.
I always say that my Olivia is a miracle, but most people just nod and smile without really getting how much of a miracle that she really is. Dr. Binor, he gets it. 1000% he gets it.
"I want you to not cry and give this baby the best chance to make it. Every week, the chances will increase." Those are the words he told me when we had to say our goodbyes to baby A and B. She was our Baby C. She was the best chance we had- to becoming parents.
She defines "miracle". Dr. Binor gets it.
"I'm so happy to see you guys". He smiled at us and I looked down- in fear that I would really start to cry.
"We're so happy to see you. I was worried you may be close to retirement."
"I can't retire. I have to get you pregnant first."
Genuine. This man and his staff are genuine and they love and care for their patients more than any other doctor out there.
We've been through 7 failed attempts. Whether it was a negative result, late implantation or miscarriage, we've been through the ringer.
People always ask me if I would consider seeing another doctor.
No. The answer is no. This man is the best of the best. It's not his fault that my body has failed us all. I trust him with my life and whether or not we are blessed with another child, he has brought meaning to both Don and I...because he brought us to our Olivia.
There is no other doctor for me. For us. He is the one.
I woke up this morning with an uneasy feeling in my stomach. Do we? Don't we? What to do!? I went outside for a bit of fresh air when the most beautiful butterfly flew right past me. It was a sign, no doubt. In my past blog I talk about how butterflies are a symbol of my loved ones that have passed- particularly my Uncle Tommy- who was also my Godfather. I haven't seen many signs the past two years, and rarely really see any butterflies anymore. I laughed though when I saw him today. Go figure, right? He didn't stay for long- really only long enough for me to take notice. I looked his way- "it's about time, where have you been?"
So, here we go. Starting a month of evaluation with a hope to complete the next round in October. We are cautiously hopeful and we are ready.
Bring. It. On.
