It's that dreaded phone call that I've received one too many times. It's the phone call that kicks me down even more- breaks me a little more. I hate that phone call. It stings every time.
The news wasn't much of a shock to me. Last Sunday I laid on the couch and cried the day away. I guess you could call it "mother's intuition". This wasn't our round. I could feel it. I just can't help but wonder when exactly I didn't have a chance anymore. When exactly I lost the embryos- and why?
That was our 5th try in a little over a year. 9 total embryos to be exact. 15 days of bed rest.
The pain, it's wearing on me. I'm tired and emotionally drained. My husband is hurting and I feel terrible that I can't do anything to make it all go away.
Olivia caught me crying yesterday and asked if I was hurting. Shit. I promised myself she wouldn't see me cry. Yes, I'm hurting...but for as long as I can I want this child to know no pain. I want her to think her world is filled with sunshine and butterflies. Of course perfection isn't reality, but that's my job as a mother. I can't slip. Not in front of her. I need to be strong.
What's next? We try again. We may be down, but we're not out. We have 5 frozen embryos left and one fresh cycle. We'll move forward- I just don't know when. I have an appointment with Dr. Alex in two weeks and a consult with Dr. B in four weeks.
I found this quote today and thought it summed up our emotions and feelings perfectly.
"It's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen; but it's even harder to give up when you know it's everything you want."
As much as we are hurting right now, life isn't so bad. Our child is healthy, we have a roof over our heads and my husband comes home from work safe and sound every night (knock on wood). We will be ok. The pain and heartache is temporary- I know this. I just wish, more than anything, that we could catch a break.
I❤❤your quote you found.ALWAYS BELIEVE
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