I keep telling myself those very words. I had been taking the news better than expected until today. Today I took a shower and fell apart. The shower has always been my place that I can let myself completely break. There's something about the warm water hitting your face that makes it acceptable to cry your eyes out. I sit there until I run out of hot water and the second I turn the shower off- I stop. All tears go away and I go about my day. This was the way I mourned my three babies once Olivia was born. This is the way that works for me.
The past few nights I find myself laying in bed with a racing mind. I struggle with not having control over our future. I struggle with the unknown. The thought of possibly never having another child scares the shit out of me. And though I try to reel myself in before I get too depressed- I haven't been able to fall asleep without tears hitting my pillow.
Olivia has been a great distraction. I can always depend on her to make me laugh and lift my spirits. Don't ever underestimate the power a two year old can have on you. She brings me into her fairy tale world and I'm able to escape reality- even if it's only for a short time.
The other morning we laid in my bed and she looked at me and said, "Best friends. Forever." My jaw dropped and of course I shed some tears. I always hug her tight and say, "beeessstttt friends." She never has said it back. She usually just smiles and giggles and that's that. I swear this child always knows when I need a little extra lovin'. There's just something about her...
Last night before I went to bed I said my prayers like I always do- except this time I told God and whoever else that was listening, that I am ready to accept what ever is meant to be. I've been wondering if 5 failed attempts is a sign that it's just not in the cards for us. If it's a sign that we will always be a family of 3. I obviously don't know the answer, but I am so worn out that I'm doing everything in my power to not throw my arms up and quit.
I also asked God that if I can't have another child- if he could please slow down time just a little bit and let me savor every waking moment I have with my Olivia. She's just about 2 1/2 now and I feel like it was just yesterday that we were leaving the hospital to bring her home. I know every parent says that "it goes too fast"...but I'm not ready for this phase to be over. She's potty trained and learning how to ride a bike! I had a pity party today thinking she would no longer need me to pull her in her wagon. She's getting too big and I'm not ready. Every time she grows out of a size I tear up while putting her clothes into storage. I'm not ready for a big girl. I want a baby and if I can't have a baby then I want my toddler to stay a toddler. I want to take in every ounce of the day with this child. So please, God, slow it down...let me enjoy this time.
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