Him. He's my person.
Him. My everything. Her everything.
It is he who has supported me most. Don't get me wrong, both of our families have gone above and beyond in showing their and love and support for us, but it is he that has been my saving grace.
Rewind this whirlwind back several years...back to when it was just the two of us...
When Don and I got married we couldn't wait to start a family...but we decided to take a year to ourselves and get settled in as Mr. & Mrs. Had we known what was ahead of us, we would have started right away. Now that I know what I didn't back then, I always tell people...don't wait, just do it. Have your babies and everything else will fall into place.
One of the things that attracted me to my husband (besides his sense of humor) was how much he loved children. He's practically a child as it is so I knew that he would one day be an unbelievable father and I knew, that I wanted him to be the father of my children. No questions asked.
Don and I tried having a baby for a good year before we found out there was a problem. As each month went by it became harder and harder for me to tell him that it wasn't our month, we weren't pregnant. If you know my husband you know that he is the most positive, upbeat person you've ever met. He's a ray of sunshine. As corny as that sounds it's true! Always a smile on his face. Always a joke to be told. Never a dull moment.
Each negative pregnancy test took a little bit of his sunshine away. I remember one month that I had to deliver the bad news to him. He was down for the rest of the day. When I asked him to talk about it he simply said, "I just want to be dad." It killed me. This man asks for nothing. He owns t-shirts that probably date back to high school. He never buys himself anything nice. He's never been handed a thing and he's extremely grateful for everything he has. Why was he not deserving of the most precious gift? Why did a person this good have to struggle so much for the ONE thing he has ever asked for? It killed me.
After a couple months of tests we found out that the issue with our infertility boiled down to me...and a set of blocked tubes! We had no idea what "infertility" really meant. We knew no one who struggled with this. We were young and completely in over our heads. We had no idea what our future looked like and whether or not we would ever have children. We were scared, but it was Don who kept us together. I was a hot fricken mess 99% of the time, but it was he who pushed me to keep going.
Fast forward to our first IVF treatment. We were very excited. We felt like after all of the struggle we had gone through, we were finally officially on our way to getting pregnant. We finally had a shot at this and we were ready for this moment.
No one in our family knew when our treatment was taking place. We kept it private for a few reasons. One- it was an emotional time. We didn't want a million questions and didn't need anyone to feel sorry for us. Two- it was personal. This was our way to making a baby. It's not like we get phone calls before our family or friends have sex when their trying to get pregnant. No one needed to know when we were "trying" to get pregnant. Three- if we got pregnant, we wanted to be able to celebrate and surprise our family with the great news. We had each other and that's all we needed at the time.
I was put to sleep for the egg retrieval, which I appreciated at the time. It helped calm my nerves and I got a good nap in. Don likes when I'm put to sleep. Probably so he can have five minutes of silence, but mostly so he can get a good laugh in once I come out of anesthesia. When I went under for surgery to try to unblock my tubes I came out asking for a milkshake. I also cracked a few jokes that he still laughs about to this day. The egg retrieval was different though. I knew going in that the doctor needed to collect as many eggs as possible. The more eggs you produce, the more likely you will have at least one viable embryo to be able to transfer. Talk about pressure!
Anyway, according to Don I came out of anesthesia asking how many eggs they got. I asked this question several times over the next half hour and fell back asleep. At one point, I woke up long enough to ask Don a question that I don't remember asking, but I know that I did. I asked him if he regretted marrying me. I couldn't get pregnant on my own and IVF was a path neither of us ever expected to be on- I wondered if he ever thought whether or not married life would be easier with someone else. He later told me about this conversation we had, but I wasn't surprised. I asked a question that I never had the nerve asking while being fully aware. I asked a question that I had wondered about every night I went to sleep.
In case you're wondering, his answer was simple...no regrets. Deep down, I knew this would be his answer, but it felt good to get the confirmation.
It only took one round of IVF for us to get pregnant, but the excitement was soon trumped by every complication we were soon to face.
I mentioned in one of my past posts that I would go into a daze during each appointment with our specialist. I couldn't take the bad news. The fear of what could have been scared the crap out of me. If I hadn't gone into a daze I would sit in the office hysterical and unable to ask any questions. My husband had to function enough for the both of us because I was completely useless. We would leave the appointments and he would have to explain everything to me in words that weren't so foreign. Not only did he act as my interpreter, he also bent over backwards to make the next 8 months as smooth as possible for me...and it wasn't easy. I was put on bed rest right away. Don did everything from cooking and cleaning to making sure I was healthy and happy during every waking moment. He was my strength when I lost all hope. He was my courage when I was petrified to turn the next corner. Thank God for him.
We always wonder why were dealt a shitty hand when it comes to infertility, but now I wonder if it was to help strengthen our relationship even more than it was. During our first consultation with Dr. Binor he told us that IVF would either make us or break us. I thought his comment was a little extreme, but having gone through what we went through, I totally get it. We are stronger as a couple now than we we ever were.
The day Olivia was born it confirmed something I always knew, Don was born to be a Dad. He's a loyal person, a great police officer and an honest soul...but above all, he is a fantastic father.
There are nights I sit back and watch him slow dance with Olivia or have a tea party for two and I know that me and Olivia are the lucky ones. From the moment those two laid eyes on one another, it was love at first sight. As much as he tries to call the shots in this household he knows that she has him wrapped around her little finger. I hope he knows how much she adores him though. She looks up to him and as much as she loves her Mama...it is he that is her hero.
A message to my husband who reads my blog... "to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part"... It feels like just yesterday we stood at the alter and said those very words. I am proud of us. We've come a long way, but we meant what said, didn't we? I love you babe. I am so thankful to walk this crazy road called life with you. Here's to us and our little family. xoxo.
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