National Infertility Awareness Week: Day 4
Hello, tonight's blog is being written by Courtney's husband, Don. Courtney asked if I would document my view point on our journey through infertility. I will start off by apologizing. I am no where near as talented a writer as my wife. I type with two fingers and grammar and spelling has never been my strong suit. But over the past five years, if I have learned anything, it is how to deal with difficult situations... so I think I can do this.
I met my wife through her brother, Pete. Pete is the closest friend I have ever had. We met the first week of college and have been close ever since. You might ask if it was strange dating a friend's sister, wondering if the relationship went south would I lose a friend with it. But after a few dates with Courtney, I was willing to risk anything to be with her.
I will not go into all the details of our marriage, since I know Courtney has touched on most it. Just know that I met my soul mate in Courtney. The term "soul mate" gets tossed around a lot as a term of endearment. But when I say soul mate, I mean that I found the one person in the world that I would do anything for, and she would do anything for me. I would rather fight with Courtney then laugh with anyone else.
Courtney never told me what to write in this blog but I am going to assume that she wanted me to write a male perspective on infertility. During infertility the attention if often directed, and rightfully so, on the woman. After all they are the ones going through multiple doctor appointments, wave after wave of injections, enough pills to kill a horse and lets not forget the mood swings... of sweet Jesus the mood swings. I can't comment on how husbands in general deal with it, I can only tell you how I deal with it.
I never thought this was how I was going to to get my family started but no one knows the cards they going to be dealt. Infertility was a foreign word to me, in that I did not know anyone that had to deal with it before. I quickly came to terms with the issues we were facing, the issues Courtney was facing and that I was completely helpless in making things better. I thought of something my dad once told me. "A boy does what he wants to do, a man does what he needs to do". At that moment I put on my big boy pants and did everything I could do to make sure that Courtney never felt alone in this battle and that she would never be made to feel that she was at fault for it. No one was... some times you are given a shitty go at a part in your life. It's easy to be a loving, caring husband when everything is going smoothly, it's when your back is against the wall you find out if you truly met your soul mate.
I tried to never cry in front of Courtney. Don't get me wrong, I cried with Courtney during our struggles but I never initiated it. I tried to be some sort of constant for her during this. My time to cry was in the car, to and from work. While Courtney was on bed rest during the pregnancy, in between the miscarriage and the reduction, I cried harder then I have ever cried in my life. I kept this to myself, the last thing I wanted to do was put additional stress onto my already stressed out wife. What I did, and what I strongly suggest to all the husbands out there, is to find someone that you can talk to. Someone who you trust and someone that you know will keep their mouth shut and listen. I wished I did that more, I think there would of been less crying session in my work mini-van if I would of done that.
Another way I dealt with this was with my sense of humor. I tried to find the lighter side of certain situations, that way I could laugh at a not-so-funny moment. Sometimes all you can do is either laugh or cry... I prefer to laugh. One of those situations was how my daughter was conceived.
My story began in a bathroom...
In a hospital...
By myself...
I know, not the sexiest of ways to make a baby but nothing about infertility is sexy or normal. During the day of our embryo retrieval, shortly after Courtney was taken out of the room for the procedure, a nurse I never met before came into the room and told me it was time for me to do my part. I was caught off guard. I don't know why that took me by surprise, it wasn't like I was expecting dinner but I quickly shook it off. The nurse handed me a cup and began to walk out of the room. I stopped her and asked her where I was suppose to do, "my part". I was expecting some type of sterile room in a secured and secret location but was quickly brought down to earth when the nurse pointed to the bathroom. The bathroom was a shared bathroom with the outpatient recovery room next to ours. Once you were in the bathroom, for safety reasons, you were unable to lock the doors behind you. I think the nurse was able to see the color leave my face and the look of terror come across it when she said I could go up to Dr. B's office if that made me feel more comfortable. I thought to myself, should I go to our bathroom and take the risk of the 70 year old wife of the man in the other room next to us getting his knee replaced coming in while I was doing "my part" or go to the office across the hospital. I took my cup and walked myself to Dr. B's office.
Once at the office... and fast forward to spare you any unnecessary details, I met with the nurse to let her know I was done with "my part" and asked if some special team was coming to take it to the transfer. The nurse informed me that I can just take it down to the outpatient surgery room and give it to the nurses. The outpatient surgery department and Dr. B's office was on the complete opposite end of the hospital. All I could mustard was an awkward / embarrassed look on my face, no words. The nurse asked if I would like to put my cup into a container to take downstairs. Again no words, just an awkward / embarrassed look but this time I was able to add a nod. The nurse handed me a brown paper lunch bag, the same type of bag that most of society takes their PB&J's to work or school in.
So there I went, leaving the office with the brown bag in hand probably the most embarrassed I have ever been in my entire life.
I'm sure at this point my wife is reading this, getting red in the face, wondering why in the hell did she ever think letting me do a blog entry would be a good idea. This is why... to all the husbands out their you will be doing things that make you uncomfortable. Whether its giving your wife intramuscular injections, going through blood tests, going to doctor appointment after doctor appointment or doing "your part" in the bathroom of a doctor's office. It's all tough, but you are not doing it alone, you are doing it with your soul mate. And hopefully you can find some comfort knowing that you aren't the first person to do it.
Though my story isn't the most sexiest, it is by far the most beautiful. It is the most beautiful because that lead to my Olivia. All of the things that you will go through will lead you to your Olivia.
You are not alone, your quiet sacrifice is not going unnoticed. Your main purpose in this stage of your life is to be a constant source of reassurance and support to your wife, but do not feel that you need to go at it alone. It is alright to talk to people about it and it is alright to struggle with it at times but remember
... the juice is worth the squeeze
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