I have mastered the art of faking a smile. I have mastered saying "congratulations!" while sounding excited and happy for the person I've said those things to. I have mastered bullshitting conversations to people I don't want to tell my reality to. My acting skills could win me an Oscar. True story.
Social Media is a double edged sword. You share exciting news with the world, but when other people share their news with you- it could be during the darkest of times in your own personal life. I have come to expect pregnancy announcements on Facebook and twitter around each and every holiday. The announcements usually sound something like this-
"Starting this New Year off with a bang! Baby blah-blah due this summer!"
"Happy Valentine's Day! Our little sweetheart due this fall!"
"Happy Easter! Our little bunny will be here soon!"
"Our little pumpkin due next spring!"
"Our little turkey, coming soon!"
"Santa brought us the best gift of all! Baby blah-blah due next spring!"
You get the point don't you? Do you not agree with me!? There are days I wish Facebook offered a middle finger option instead of a thumbs up. Unfortunately that's not the case so instead of the finger I give the person a thumbs up and say, "Wow-we! Congratulations on your little bun in the oven! :)" Deep down I want to say, "Of course you're f'ing pregnant! It wouldn't be Christmas without a half dozen pregnancy announcements on Facebook!"
Bitter? Maybe a little.
Here's where it gets sticky. I can be a total asshole about strangers or "long lost friends", but when it's family...that's when I have to keep myself in check.
When we were trying to have Olivia everyone and their mother was pregnant. It was brutal. Baby Showers were hell for me. There were a couple showers that I couldn't bear to go to so I declined. And that's ok, I'm sure the Mama-to-be didn't want a hysterical bitter hag crying tears of misery in the dried out cake slice they give out as dessert. Nonetheless, every time someone got pregnant, it was like I was kicked in the stomach one more time.
As much as I love my nieces and nephews (and I do, I'm crazy about each and every one of them)...it stung a little bit when we would find out a new bundle was on the way! Deep down I was happy for my and Don's siblings, but I wanted my own baby and it hurt like every time someone elses dreams came true.
I remember comments people made to me during this time such as, "you shouldn't be bitter" or "be happy because they are happy" or "it will happen for you so be excited for other people. I never thought anyone understood my pain. I wasn't sure people totally got how fragile our situation was.
One afternoon I went to my brothers house to relax and hang out with my niece. I told my brother that it was time Grace (my niece) had a little sibling. Without skipping a beat he said, "there won't be baby #2 until there is a Cummings baby." Right away, tears. I knew him and Danielle were ready for baby #2, but my brother wasn't having it until I had a baby of my own. He got it. He understood my pain. He knew, without me telling him, how much it hurt. I told him not to do that. I didn't want him to put his life on hold for me. That wasn't fair to him and his little family.
From here on out, I knew I had to start faking a smile. I didn't want people to feel like they had to put their life on hold for me and I certainly didn't want people walking on eggshells around me.
Fast forward to now...I've become a true master at faking a smile.
A few months ago I was on a business trip. It was a few weeks after we decided to take a little break from IVF. I hate leaving Olivia, even if it's only for a couple of days. I was down in the dumps, missed my loves and was sick with the flu. Not the best of trips.
Anyway, I was sitting in a meeting when I got a missed call from my husband. Twenty seconds later I get a text message..."Chris called. Shelby is pregnant". Chris is my husband's cousin/second brother....he's also a newlywed. My heart sank. I'm trying to act somewhat interested in a meeting I had no desire being in in the first place. Now I get a text message with news that I have to quickly wrap my head around because sure enough, 30 seconds after the text, I have an incoming call from Chris. Though Chris and I are close, it's not often that he calls me. I declined his call to finish my meeting, but knew that I owed him a callback. Thankfully my husband cushioned the news a little bit, even from a distance.
I had ten minutes to excuse myself to the ladies room before my next meeting. I thought it would be perfect timing to call him back. Had to be quick and I couldn't get emotional...I had to meet with people I had never met before so I couldn't get all hysterical and show up like a hot mess.
Turns out, my plan backfired.
Chris delivered his news and I pretended I was hearing it for the first time. I told him I was so excited and happy for him and Shelby. Deep down I was...but it took me a minute to get there. After I hung up the phone I sat in the bathroom and cried. It's not that I wasn't happy for Chris. I knew why he made a special phone call to both me and Don...I appreciated the thought. He cares about us and our situation and we love him for that. I couldn't help but be jealous for how easy a baby came to them. It's just like everyone else who gets pregnant so easily. I want that for myself so bad. I don't want to have to struggle. I don't want to face the heartache. I want to get knocked up during a drunk sexy romp on the beach just like Chris and his wife did (sorry Shelby, Chris gave me details even though I didn't ask. I think it was the nerves in telling me the big news?).
During my call with Chris, I faked my smile. I was sad, for all of my own selfish reasons. I took a day and felt sorry for myself while being mad at the world...but then I learned how to get over it. I had to. One day I was on the phone crying my little sister about how easy it was for others to get pregnant and then I realized...oh shit. I'm crying to the newlywed who has yet to have kids of her own. I can't do that. If and when my sister gets pregnant, she can't be scared to tell me. She can't feel guilty that it came so easy to her (at least I hope it comes easy). It's not her fault that I struggle with infertility. It's not Chris & Shelby's fault either.
This weekend I am throwing Chris and Shelby their baby shower. Crazy, right? I'm not going to lie, when I pick out itty bitty clothes for their gift, I wish I was picking them out for my own baby...but I'm not. I truly am happy for the two of them. I have a sweet, healthy baby (she's a toddler now, but will always be my baby). Everyone deserves to have an Olivia in their life.
Chris & Shelby...I'm sure you're reading this now. You might even be a little nervous showing up at my house for your own shower, but don't be. The smile on my face this weekend will be genuine. I am happy for you. I truly am. The best gift I was ever given, was becoming a Mom. My wish for the both of you is to love every single moment. Take in every single moment. Go above and beyond. Take a million pictures. Give that sweet baby a million kisses. Let her fall asleep on your chest. Watch her sleep. Read her stories, even if she's only a few days old. Sing to her...even if you can't carry a tune. You'll make mistakes, but forgive yourself when you do. Your baby is a gift. Never take for granted this sweet miracle.
PS...if you get pregnant with baby #2 before we do...I will be pissed :)
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