Still Standing.

Yesterday my nurse from Dr. B's office called me. He wanted to see me in his office and to be there today at 3pm. I agreed, but was a little surprised. This man is busier than the President and is booked through January. What happened to the phone conversation we were suppose to have?

So off I went...Don had to work so I went by myself, which I preferred.

I parked my car and gave myself a little pep talk. The "there's no crying in baseball" sort of talk. The plan was to walk in with my head held high and to keep it together. As soon as I opened the office door I was doomed. My eyes teared up. I'd like to blame it on the hormones left from the medicine, but I know it's my heart that is crying. It still hurts.

I waited nervously for Dr. B to walk in. What was I going to say? What should I ask? Am I capable of keeping it together? Will he have the answers? Will he promise me the world and be able to deliver on those promises? My stomach was in knots. I felt like I had butterflies and was waiting to be picked up for a first date. Instead I'm waiting to find out if Dr. B thinks another baby is still possible.

He opened the door, walked in and thanked me for coming to see him on such short notice. He thought I deserved more than a phone call. I thanked him. He's always thinking of me. He then looked at me and said, "out of all of my years of experience, I've cried the most for you." I put my head down. That was it. I was a slobbery mess. If anyone could possibly understand the pain Don and I have felt, it's this man. If anyone could make it go away, it's this man.

"You still standing Courtney? How are you emotionally?"

It took me a second to catch my breath. "It hurts. I'm broken. Just when I think I'm getting it together, I see something or hear something and it knocks me off my feet and I totally breakdown."

We talked about how hard of a journey it's been. He told me that him and his staff are sad for us and that they think about us often.

So what's next, Dr. B?

There's a test he wants to run. He'll check my white blood cells to make sure nothing "fishy" is going on. Apparently too many white blood cells can attack your body and cause you to miscarry. He tossed out terms I can't pronounce and refused to spell them for me because he knew I would go home and Google search everything. I asked what this meant if the blood work came back not in our favor.

"It will be over. No more IVF. There's a treatment called IVIG, but there's no insurance that will cover it. It's expensive, Courtney. Thousands and thousands of dollars." I asked for a figure. "Injections can cost up to $2,500 each. Cash. I don't know the cost of the entire treatment. I won't even let you do it here in the hospital, I would send you elsewhere."

Speechless. The wind was knocked out me. We sat there quiet. He knew I was trying to absorb what he just told me.

"Then it's over. We can't afford that."

Deep breath. Deep breath. Deep breath. 

One of the hardest parts of trying for baby #2 is how much my body has changed. With Olivia I faced some challenges, but ultimately she was my first IVF attempt. With this go around my body hasn't responded to certain medications and there are "issues" that have come up in blood tests and biopsy's that weren't a problem in 2011. I asked Dr. B why that is. Why was it one try with Olivia and 4 failed tries this time around? His answer made me sad, but something I suspected.

"My opinion is it's because of your pregnancy with Olivia. There couldn't be a more brutal pregnancy and it did a number on your body. There was something about that pregnancy that is affecting you chemically from carrying a child and we have to figure it out." I knew that was the answer. He said it perfectly, my pregnancy with Olivia was brutal- so much so that as soon as someone mentions it, I cry.

I asked him if any other of his patients has had as many issues as I have. They put everyone on the same cycle (timing wise) each month when you go through IVF. The hospital blocks 2 weeks per month to do egg retrievals and transfers. So every time you go to the office for bloodwork and ultrasounds you start recognizing women in the waiting room. It's always a sad awkward moment while waiting for your appointment. You give one another a pitiful smile as if you're saying, "You too? Well, good luck. Sorry you have to go through this." Once it's time for your egg retrieval/transfer they walk you to a room in Day Surgery. Outside of the room is your last name and the name of the doctor that's treating you. Don and I always count how many times we see "Dr. B" on the tag. There's a comfort knowing that another couple is going through the same emotions you're going through, but there's also curiosity two weeks later wondering who got the positive pregnancy test vs. who got the negative? I can't say for sure, but I do know that I've never seen the same face come again the following cycle. I'm always the only one returning.

Anyway, back to my question. I asked him if any of his other patients has had as many issues as I have. He kept his head down, "A few. The difference between them and you is I knew what I was facing with them. We still need to figure you out."I shook my head. A few. A few!!! This man is old enough to be my Grandfather (at least I think so)...and he's only had a few pain in the ass patients like myself!? Ahhh!!! This is so frustrating. I just want a normal pregnancy. I'm sick of being poked and prodded and treated like a science experience who defies all logic!

"What if the blood work is in our favor?"

"Then we try again. You have frozen embryos. We try until we get it right."

"When?" I asked.

"January?" He was testing me. He's done this before. He is trying to see if I'm strong enough to move forward.

"December."

"Where's your head at? How are you feeling emotionally? How's Don?"

"Dr. B if you tell me we can do it in December I'll get my head together. You just get me pregnant."

He stared at me and I stared back. We've done this before too. In 2011 I was standing in a gown in the middle of an O.R. demanding that he give me my results and not make me schedule another consultation with him. He never had a half naked patient yell at him and demand answers. He's also never had a patient like me. He may have called me stubborn and told me I have a short fuse, but I ultimately won that battle. Half naked and all he told me what I wanted to hear.

We stared a little longer. "I'm still standing, Dr. B." He smirked and agreed. If testing comes back in our favor, December it is.

That means I start my first pill tonight. If testing comes back with any issue, I stop immediately.

He went to get his nurse to go over next steps when he stopped and asked me, "Don't you want a nice Christmas with Olivia? What if it doesn't go your way again? You don't want a sad Christmas?"

I said, "Well, will I get the results before Christmas?" He looked at his calendar and said no. I said, "Well, I'll have a Merry Christmas- just maybe not a great New Year."

I felt a little overwhelmed after our conversation. How did I just agree to another round when these past couple of weeks I've done nothing but refuse? I can't even answer that. As much hope that I've lost, I guess I still have a little left in me. Though my husband supports me if and when I'm ready to fold, I know that more than anything, he wants another child.

So, here's to you round #5. I'm still standing. Be good to us.