We tried everything.

It has taken me a long time to write this post. Part because it has taken us a long time to make this decision and part because it has taken me a long time to be able to say the words out loud.

Our IVF journey has come to an end. While it breaks my heart to have to make this decision, I know it is what's right.

We started trying for Baby #2 when Olivia turned one. She will be 6 1/2 in a few weeks. The amount of heartache, pain and torment that Don and I have faced is immeasurable...and I've had enough.

We have witnessed the horror of stopping two babies heartbeats. We have experienced an abnormal ectopic and had to make the decision to terminate yet another pregnancy. We have experienced multiple miscarriages. And we have lost count of the number of embryos we have lost in the process of it all. We have suffered a great amount of loss and I think we have both hit our limit.

This last miscarriage was unexpected. It knocked the wind out of us. The possibility of experiencing another loss is very much our reality...and I'm not sure it is something we can get through, yet again.

There is not a single day that I don't wake up and wonder and think and hope and pray. This process, it has consumed me since it all began before having Olivia. It's changed me and I always said I would never let that happen.

I'm broken. There is no other way to describe what this process has done to me.

I still lay in the shower and cry just about every day. I mourn the loss that we've experienced during every quiet moment that I have.

I'm bitter. Toward every person that gets pregnant so easily- though I swear, I wouldn't want it any other way. No one should have to go through what we have been through.

I'm sad. That I will never have another sleeping baby of my own laying on my chest. That I will never experience another kick in my belly or hear the sound of a healthy heartbeat.

I'm angry. That my child will never get to experience the gift of having a sibling.

I'm panicked that we only get one life to live and the time to have children is a very small window. The thought of not experiencing another gift of life literally brings me to my knees.

We haven't told Olivia that it will never happen for her. I don't see a point- she's too young to understand. When she asks what she should pray about- I no longer encourage the conversation of praying for a sibling. Instead we pray for good health and happiness.

Olivia is smart. I think she has picked up on the fact that it's never going to happen. When she asks, she can see the tears in my eyes and she always sweetly changes the subject.

My little sister is pregnant with #2 of her own. I didn't purposely keep it from Olivia, but I never brought it up to her because to be honest, I never wanted to have to explain why them and not us. After facetiming with my sister and nephew Olivia asked me why my sisters belly was bigger than usual. I told her it was because she was pregnant. Olivia stared at me and I could tell the wheels were turning in that little head of hers. I danced around the subject which didn't work because a couple minutes later Olivia told me she was sad. When I asked her why she said-

"Sadie and Payton have each other. Grace and PJ have each other. And now Jackson will have a baby of his own. I'm the only one without a brother or sister, Mom." 

"I'm so sorry." What else could I say?

We talked about how sometimes good people don't always get what they want or what they ask for. Sometimes God has a different plan for some people and that that's ok. I didn't have to tell her that she will never have a sibling- I think she figured it out on her own and that hurts my heart. Olivia went to bed that night telling me she considered Jackson as a brother and that even though he's not, she will feel better if we can share him. I agreed. Cousins can be just as good as siblings- something I've had to tell myself over and over and over again.

In January, when we miscarried, my brother wrote me a letter. He told me that Olivia will never feel the void of not having a brother or a sister because she has too many cousins who love her just as much. He wrote, "Olivia will always be so lucky, because she has two of the best parents that I've ever met and she will never have to share their love with another sibling. And now you can give her all of your love and really start living life again."

It's taken us quite some time to come to this decision. I've seen the pain in my husbands face. The pain of having to keep it together when he had every right to let it all fall apart. I've looked in the mirror many of nights and wondered how I'm still standing. And you know, it's not easy to live that way. I don't want to be sad anymore. I don't want to beat myself up and I don't want to be bitter.

We are great parents. Damn good parents. I can't for the life of me figure out why God would let us go through what we've been through. But what I do know is that he gave us the best of the best. There is no other kid out there like our Olivia Hope...and for that, we are blessed. It is because of her fight and strength that she is here today. She is our miracle and we thank God every single day for this child.

Baby #2 wasn't in the cards for us. It wasn't our dream to be had. One day when Olivia is old enough, she will learn that she was a quadruplet. One day, she will learn that her Mom and Dad did EVERYTHING they could to try to give her a sibling. We walk away always wondering if it could have happened for us, but with no regret...because we tried everything.

I know I don't have to be...but I'm very sorry to all for the outcome. To every person who offered so much love and support. To my daughter who deserves the world. To my husband who has proved time and time again that he is one hell of a dad. My body has failed us and so many that deep down, I'm just very sorry.

Thank you for shedding tears with us. Thank you for making us laugh through the pain. Thank you for the hugs, the phone calls, the messages, cards, flowers and meals. Thank you for the prayers. Thank you for the support.

To our families, we owe you so much. We have the best family and we are forever lucky for all of you carrying us through.

To my siblings...you three are the reason why I so much wanted Olivia to experience what I've been blessed to have.. I had hoped so much that she would experience what it was like to grow up with the best, most loyal friends life could offer. During the toughest days, you've been our backbone. As much as I wanted to do this all in private- I couldn't have done it without the three of you. Carrie and Taylor, thank you for always showing up when I told you not to. Peter, thank you for crawling in bed with me more than once to let me cry on your shoulder. There's no words, just thank you.

To Don, there will be a special post for you. To not wouldn't be right. Just know that it is because of you that I am still standing.

Dr. Binor doesn't know of our decision. I'm in the process of writing him a letter. If I walked in his office to inform him of the decision, I'm not sure I'm strong enough to follow through. In fact, I'm probably still so weak- that I would get caught up in seeing all of his newspaper clippings and pictures of his miracle babies that I would probably sign us up for another round. So I'll send the letter and after the holidays I will walk in to give him the hug I promised I would give him if we were done.

I always wanted to do one of those pictures showing off my IVF baby inside of a heart showing the struggle and fight. I was proud of how hard we worked and the strength we had during the entire process. I thought the picture would look a little different. Instead, when you look at this picture, I hope you see the blood, sweat, tears and heartache that my family went through. I hope this picture makes you thank your lucky stars that you don't have to go through what we've been through. I hope this picture makes you think twice before asking someone when they are going to have a baby. I hope this picture makes you appreciate your own little miracle and to never take for granted the gift of being a parent.

Though our outcome is a little different, I can now appreciate the road we've been on and I can tell you, I will never take for granted this thing called life.