This last miscarriage rocked my boat and I needed time to heal and think about what it is our future looks like.
So many have reached out asking how we have been doing and believe me when I tell you that the support has meant everything to us. I've heard from friends that I went to school with a million years ago and coworkers I worked with a lifetime ago. It's been nice catching up with past friends and bonding with new....
As much as I would like to come on here and tell you that we have it all figured out- I'm afraid I'll disappoint you...because we don't. We're close, but still undecided.
A few weeks ago I had an appointment to see Dr. Binor. I needed to clear my head and there is no better person to do that with than Dr. Binor. Don sat this one out...I needed one on one time with the man that has lived and breathed this journey along with us for the past several years.
I briefly spoke to Dr. Binor a couple days after the D&C. He called to see how I was doing, but I could barely get a word out. I cried so hard while he said sorry multiple times. There was nothing for him to say sorry for, but he knew and felt the pain that we were going through once again. Meeting with him a few weeks ago was the first time since that phone call.
When he walked in we both smiled at one another said how nice it was to each other. He starts every "consult" the same way. He briefly recaps every IVF round, the result and test results in my chart. I tend to zone out because the brief is depressing and I've lived and experienced every attempt and loss that it's forever etched in my heart. Right away, I tear up. The subject is so sensitive to me that it's hard to get through 5 minutes tear free. While he's reading my chart he reaches over and hands me a Kleenex without skipping a beat. Once he finishes his brief he looks up at me and takes a deep breath.
"My most tricky patient. I've been wondering when I would see you again."
I smile while wiping tears from my face.
"How have you been?"
"Ok. Better than I was a few months ago."
"Let's talk about it. Where are you at in that head of yours?"
"I'm exhausted. I'm tired of the drama of it all. I wake up and I think about what it is I'm suppose to do and I go to bed wondering, what it is I'm suppose to do."
"That's fair. Have you figured it out yet?"
"Nope. That's why I'm here. What do I do? Is having a baby a possibility for me? If I was your daughter what would you tell me?"
Dr. Binor promised me that he wouldn't take me on as a patient if he thought I couldn't have a baby.
"I don't know what it is. I do believe that we are up against something that we don't know what we're up against- but the problem is no longer getting pregnant- it's staying pregnant. I've studied your chart- I've studied your results- there's nothing on paper that says you can't have a baby- so yes, I believe you can have a baby and I believe I can get you there, but I don't know what kind of journey you'll have to go on to get there because well, at this point- no one knows that. Now tell me, what is it that you want..."
I pause and take a moment while trying to separate what I want verse what I can handle.
"5 years ago I sat in your office and told you I wanted another baby. I've lost track at how many times we've tried and how many losses we've been dealt. If I was being selfish I would tell you that I'm done. I've taken all that I can personally handle...but I have a 6 year old at home who asks me for a sibling every day for the past few years and it's because of her that I keep trying- because more than anything I want to give her that gift and I fear the day that I have to tell her that it's not going to happen."
As soon as I make eye contact with him I notice tears in his eyes as he reaches for another Kleenex- this time for himself. I lose it. Not once have I ever seen him lose his cool. We both sit there in silence.
"Do you remember when Don and I first sat here and you told us that IVF would either make us or break us?"
"Yes."
"It's breaking me."
"I know."
Dr. Binor asked me if I had my mind made up and I said no. I told him that some days I call it while other days I whisper to myself, "just maybe". He asked me how I would feel if he told me that having another baby wasn't a possibility.
"A weight would be lifted from my shoulders because at the end of the day I wouldn't be the one to make the decision. I could have the conversation with Olivia and start to find closure."
"What would you tell her?"
"That we tried everything and that sometimes you don't get everything you want in life."
I told Dr. Binor that I'm not the most religious person, but I have a relationship with God and sometimes I wonder if not having another baby is a sign to walk away...
"Olivia slept through the night at 3 months. She eats food I would never dream of trying. She is so sweet. I get complimented all the time for her manners and sense of humor and kindness. Sometimes I wonder if God is telling me that he gave me the best of the best and to run with it- and to let go of what's not meant to be."
"It's not fair, Courtney. I see parents who are deserving and parents that may not be so deserving and I would say that if you walk away today I would tell Olivia that she's one lucky little girl. She has two of the strongest, most deserving parents that I could ever pick out for her....but I don't want you to be done. Not unless you're done and you're not questioning yourself because if you walk in these doors at 40 I'm either not going to be here- or you and I are going to have a very different conversation. So what ever decision you make- make sure you are right with it. And if you decide you've had enough, please come back here and give me a hug because I'm proud of you."
Another Kleenex. I swear I go through a whole box every time I'm in his office. I wish he would take out the big boxes for me and not the hospital sized boxes.
We talked about tests he would like to take. I agreed and told him that depending on the results, we would make a decision soon.
"Where's my picture?"
I had several to show him, I mean, how do I choose one?
"There she is...she is our good egg" he smiled.
I smiled while proudly showing her off.
"She really is perfection. She's my life"
My voice cracked. Showing off my daughter to the man who gave this gift of life to me is...unbelievable.
"I know you're a good mom because you light up when you talk about her. You're our friend here in this office, but you're my family. What ever you decide to do- I support you and you will always have a special place in my heart."
I left his office that day knowing I still have a decision to make. I don't know if we will try again, but I feel more confident knowing that Dr. Binor will support our decision and that no matter what happens, Dr. Binor will always be a part of our life- because we're family.
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