One foot in front of the other

This miscarriage rocked my world. You would think that I would get use to experiencing such loss- that it would get easier to recover.

Not so much.

Shockingly, this miscarriage took us by surprise. We were so hopeful that we didn't think this was a possibility. We were so wrong.

I've become a professional crier. I can cry in bed and not make a peep. I can sit at work and have tears run down my face only to wipe them away 30 seconds later and recover in time for my next meeting. I can cry in the bathroom one minute but get it together to make dinner five minutes later. Crying has become my new reality- and I don't say that for you to feel sorry for me. It's just...the "gift" that infertility has brought me.

I've lost count as to how many embryo's we've gone through. Don probably knows- he's better at keeping track. Our journey has left me broken. As much as I said I would never let that happen, it has. The strength that I once had is gone. The fire in me has dimmed so much that I'm not sure I can ever get it back. Infertility has beat me down so much so, that I think it won this time.

When I was getting Olivia ready for bed the other night she told me how she wished that I had a baby in my belly. I thought I was going to hyperventilate. She was so sweet telling me what she had wished for, but it made me so sad.

"I'm not sure it's going to happen for us buddy"
"but why?"
"Because sometimes we don't get everything we wish for"
"Why?"
"I'm not sure buddy"

My voice cracked. I tried so hard to keep it together, but she saw the tears in my eyes.

"It's ok, Mom. I don't need a sister."

Anger. I went to bed that night so angry I could have screamed. I find myself shaking my head in my most quiet moments.

In the past, when we would miscarry or get a negative pregnancy test, we would say- "next time". We would cry, mourn the loss, but we always said, "next time". Now we look at each other and say, "what now? What do we do now?"

A few weeks ago I had a follow up appointment with my OB. The follow up was really a well being check. She asked me how I felt I was doing. I sat there for a good 30 seconds completely silent. I was trying to figure out how to put into words how I felt.

"I'm angry. I heard that baby's heartbeat and that makes me angry. I want answers but I know there aren't any. I'm angry right now in this office, but I'll go home and that anger will turn into tears because well, that's my every day."

"Normal. Those feelings are normal and I don't blame you one bit. I want to make sure you understand that there was nothing you did that caused this miscarriage"

"Oh, I know it wasn't me. I've done every single thing that was asked of me. I've followed all of the rules. I just want to know why?"

"Unfortunately, I think you have been incredibly unlucky."

That's putting it mildly.

4 kids. That's what I wanted. When Don and I were dating, I told him I wanted 4 kids.

We're not going to have 4 kids. It will never happen for us. We have one and she is healthy and I am forever grateful. For selfish reasons I want more, but more than anything in the whole world- I want it for Olivia. So much so that it kills me that I can't give her this gift.

Do I put all of my heartache aside and try again, for Olivia? Or do we call it quits and accept that we will forever be a family of three.

Soon after the miscarriage, Don booked a trip to Disney World. For the first time in my life, I had zero desire to go. He thinks it's a good idea to escape reality, clear our heads and then come back and make a decision. Deep down, I know he's right.

So that's what we are going to do. We are going on vacation, we will enjoy our little family- and then when we get back, we will decide our next steps.

For now, I'm taking everything a day at a time...putting one foot in front of the other.