Picking up the pieces

Picking up the pieces...I'm trying.

This week has been excruciating to say the least. The amount of disappointment and heartache I feel is almost unbearable at times.

When I found out that we were pregnant I told myself not to get so excited. When I told my family that the IVF was successful, I sent them a text saying, "no gifts, no cards, no celebrating, no congratulations...we're not there yet." Everyone followed my rules, except for me.

I told myself I wouldn't get ahead of myself, but then I picked out the crib...and then I started looking for names...and then I found a stroller I wanted...and then I planned the nursery out in my head....but worse, I thought of how we would tell Olivia that she was going to be a big sister- and that's the part that I just can't get over.

Everyone keeps offering to take Olivia out and occupy her so we can have a moment to ourselves. The truth is, she's the only reason I get out of bed every day.

I've always felt that we got extremely lucky with Olivia. When we were pregnant with her, we didn't know what the outcome would be. The odds were against her yet every week she got stronger and stronger and she fought harder and harder. I strongly believe that we were never suppose to have Olivia. She is a true miracle who just never gave up.

My brother sent me a message saying he admired my strength and that in time, the pain will start to ease up. There are moments in each day that I feel weak, but then I look at Olivia and think- no one had to be stronger than her. No one had to fight harder. It wasn't me, it was her. So when I feel weak, and when the pain takes my breath away, I look at this child and I tell myself to do it for her.

I use to pray every day. I'm not a big church goer, but for as long as I can remember, I've always prayed every single day. These days, I find myself so confused and bitter that I can't find myself to pray anymore. I have nothing nice to say. I've begged and pleaded, I've cried on my knees, I've made promises, I've proved myself to be a great mom- but that doesn't seem to count for anything. I often wonder if there is anyone up there listening to me. Can they hear me when I sit in the shower screaming so loud I get an instant headache? Maybe praying is silly- maybe I'm talking to no one. If there is a God, why would he allow pain to exist?  It's something I wonder every day.

Everyone has been extremely supportive this past week. Even though I haven't been answering my phone, I've listened to every message, I've read every text, email and card. All of the well wishes and support, the flowers, the hot meals, the visits...it means more than you'll ever know. If there is one thing that this whole experience has taught me- it's that we have an army of support. And for that, I am forever grateful.

Dr. Binor called me last Friday to check on me. We had a conversation that I'll keep private, but it was sincere and heartfelt and for as much as we are hurting, I know he is hurting as well. I mentioned that when we started up this past round, I told myself and everyone else that this was it for us. I can't for the life of me imagine going through this again. We've had one loss too many and it's getting harder to accept and harder to move on. He told me to pause those thoughts, grieve and then make that decision once I have my head together. I agreed.

The unknown is hard for me to deal with. I can say life isn't fair, but I have Olivia and that's more than what most people have. I can't for the life of me figure out why we're not meant to have more kids and why Olivia can't have a sibling. It kills me, but deep down I know that it's something I need to come to terms with. As hard as this miscarriage took me down, it hurts more knowing that I can't give Olivia what she wants most in life.

I was laying on the couch the other day and Olivia decided to lay with me. We worked on a project that was due the next day and she held my hand and told me, "We did such a good job. Mama and monk! Best team ever!" (monk is short for monkey)

I got so lucky Olivia Hope. You gave me the gift of being a Mom and I will forever be grateful for the team that we've become. What ever the future brings, we will be together.