Welcome to the world sweet boy...

I got her text at 4:45am that it was time. I didn't hesitate. Jumped out of bed, threw something on, grabbed my camera and out I went.

She's prepped, she's planned, hoped and prayed- and her time had finally come.

My little sister is a Mom.

I truly believe that the greatest gift in life is being able to parent a child. No amount of money in the bank, no fancy job or extravagant vacation will ever live up to that feeling you get when you've been blessed with such a sweet innocent soul.

Taylor had asked that I be in the delivery room with her and Matt. I was there to take pictures of their new little family, She had done the same for me- so it felt right. Her labor was long, heart wrenching and a tad dramatic, but she was a warrior and I couldn't be any prouder. Being able to witness the birth of your nephew is special. But being able to witness a little family being united is...priceless.

I took pictures the best I could, but then I took a little step back and watched as the three of them bonded.

I witnessed my sister becoming a Mom. I watched her fall in love the way only a Mom knows how. I watched her lose her breath at the very first sight of this handsome little boy. And I watched her whisper her first words to her new little man, "I've been waiting for you"...

The day was long and exhaustion was felt by every person in the room, but man...how it's all worth it.

Taylor and Matt...you hoped, you prayed, you wished and everything came true. He is perfect. Just perfect.

My advice to the both of you is to take in every moment. I know that's everyone's advice, but really. Take a million pictures. Kiss him a hundred times a day. Tell him you love him even at the hardest of times. Be best friends. You've just been blessed with a gift that not everyone is able to be blessed with. Never take for granted the gift of being a parent- I know you won't.

Welcome to the world Jackson Matthew Lee. You are loved. So loved.

What a wonderful life.

Who ever said wishing on stars really works?

I haven't slept good the past couple of nights. Not that I've ever slept through the night, but I've tossed and turned more than usual due to the constant race my mind has been running.

This shit is hard to take.

Olivia has been asking for a sibling more and more lately. I usually am able to change the subject or tell her to pray every night and ask God for a sibling, but lately she has been pretty demanding and less understanding.

Have hope. I tell her to have hope, but really I am the biggest hypocrite because I lost hope a long time ago.

I picked her up from my sisters house the other day and during our usual "how was your day" routine she sadly said, "I don't have anyone."

Deep breath. I knew where this was going.

I assured her that she had Mommy and Daddy, but she then went on to explain that she doesn't have any "kids".

"I don't have a brother or sister. I don't have anyone. I want a brother or sister."

She told me that she wanted what her cousins have. She said she wants to have a brother or sister to play with and that God isn't listening to what she wants.

I thought- you're right, he's not listening.

I told her to keep praying and to wish on a star and that maybe one day it will come true.

"Wishing on stars doesn't work."

"Sure it does! I wish on stars."

"Your wishes don't come true."

She's smart. So smart that its hard arguing with her. I asked her if she was sad and that's when the conversation broke my heart...

"I'm angry. And I'm so sad."

My kid has been sad and no doubt she will be sad a million more times, but I've never heard her say that she's angry. The worst part is that she is angry and hurt over something that I can't fix...and that kills me.

People always say "oh she'll be fine!" or "she has her cousins- she'll be fine!"

If we don't have another child there is no doubt that she will be "fine". I will make sure of it. But that doesn't mean she won't hurt or that she won't miss out. She is four years old and she can feel the void that we prayed she would never have to feel. Do you know how much that sucks? I feel like a failure. I feel that I am failing her every time she has to play by herself because she doesn't have a brother or sister to play with. I feel terrible that she's upstairs as we speak playing with her imaginary "princess sister". I felt terrible when the lady at American Girl Doll asked her if she was an only child. I hate labels- and "only child" is not something I strived for for my little girl. I panic when thinking that she won't have a sister standing beside her when she gets married. I'm throwing my little sister a baby shower and I always wonder- who will throw Olivia's? What if I'm not here? Who will she have when she's older and Christmas comes around the corner?

My heart breaks that she doesn't believe it will ever happen and unfortunately I can't promise her something that I'm not sure we can deliver on. It fucking sucks.

I spoil her. There's no doubt. I went down to a 4 day work week to make sure that one day out of the week was special for her and I. That one day means more to me then you'll ever know. I take her on an "adventure" every week and spend more money than I probably should, but I do it because I'll do anything I can to make her feel special.

Giving her a sibling should be an easy request- at least you'd think. I HATE that we struggle so much and I HATE that our struggle is now affecting her.

I'm at the point in my life where I need closure. We started back up with IVF right before Olivia turned one. She is now 4 years old. This saga has gone on long enough. My health concerns have held me up for over a year and I can't even begin to guess as to when we will get the green light to try again. I'm tired. I'm bitter. I'm sad and I'm angry. I think and I think and I think and I think. I pull the plug on trying and then get sucked back in two minutes later. I've rehearsed the conversation I will need to have with Olivia should a sibling not be in the cards. It's a conversation I dread, but... how much longer can this go on for?

I toss and I turn because it's hard to sleep through the night when your heart hurts so much...

Who ever said that wishing on stars really works?

So much hate...

The amount of hate in this country is overwhelming. It's scary and it's dangerous. People watch the news and automatically place guilt before knowing the facts. It's an uneducated decision to do so. Social media and biased news outlets have put lives at risk.

Yesterday I woke up to another white police on black shooting. Second day in a row. I thought shit. Here we go. Guilty or not I don't know. I wasn't there. I can't shout out support to the police officer nor can I support the man who got shot. I simply wasn't there. All I could do was pray that this country would sit quietly and let justice prevail. Let the details come out and guilty or not, we have a system in place that will handle the situation.

Last night I went to bed watching CNN. The tune quickly changed from police officers being unqualified, uneducated and dangerous personnel...to shots fired in Dallas. A couple officers down. Celebrities went from hashtagging blacklivesmatter to- oh wait! Blue lives matter too! It went from hate the police to pray for the police.

The news made me nauseous. I went to sleep praying that it would only be two cops and hopefully not with life threatening injuries. But then I woke up this morning to...

11 OFFICERS SHOT. 5 DEAD.

My God...

Are those 11 lives now enough to support the police?

Listen, there are bad eggs in every profession and in all communities. You have teachers raping students, priests touching children, parents killing their own children, gang members shooting 4 year olds, corrupt bankers destroying people financially, lying/cheating government officials. In every profession there's going to be an unqualified asshole who leaves a bad name for the job. Cops aren't perfect either. But most do their best. And we need them!

If you've been sitting there judging police officers these past few days then I challenge you to make a career change. If you can do it better then please do. If you have the courage and strength to put youf life on the line for the low, low price- then please, take on my challenge.

My husband is a police officer. Trust me when I say that I wish he wasn't. But he is a good guy. He puts his uniform on every single day without a single complaint. He chooses to walk out of our home to protect and save lives when there is zero respect for police officers.When he and his coworkers go to calls they are greeted with cell phones in the air videotaping every move they make. Waiting and wishing for someone to screw up. I go to bed every night and pray for the safety of every police officer and armed force. I pray because they need every prayer they can get.

I don't want my husband to put his life on the line to protect people who don't have an appreciation for life. I don't fine those people to be worth the sacrifice my husband or any other officer makes. Way back when, if you were a police officer you were a hero. Today, if you're a police officer you're a target. And that is shameful. We have government officials in this country who have gone public in saying they don't support law enforcement. We have celebrities who bash law enforcement with a "simple tweet" to the millions who follow. The same celebrities who use law enforcement for their own personal security.

We need police officers. Do we understand that these men and women who CHOOSE to be a police officer made that CHOICE? Do we understand that these men and women CHOOSE to save lives? Do we understand that these men and women CHOOSE to put their lives at risk? Do we understand that these men and women CHOOSE to miss holidays and celebrations with their families. This is a CHOICE. We cannot force men and women to become police officers. We cannot force people to choose this profession.

Every time a law enforcement official is caught in the spotlight there is an uproar. It's nasty and often gets out of control. Every news outlet covers the ruckus for days which creates even more animosity and unnecessary chaos. Oh, did you hear about the 4 year old boy who was shot while playing outside in Chicago? A couple months ago another toddler was shot in the head while riding in the back seat of her aunts car. Oh, just last week a Mom killed her 4 kids- stabbed them to death. Oh did you hear about that father that killed his kid who had a disability? How about the number of parents who accidentally "forget" their kid in a hot car- those incidences seem to be rising year after year. Where are those protests? Why aren't we protesting the safety of our children? Why aren't we demanding to get guns off the street?

Protests never go silent. People often shout "F the police"- "Police are pigs". You see people spitting in officers faces- throwing bottles and bricks at them, giving them the finger and yelling every profanity you can imagine. Businesses have been burned down and cars and homes have been vandalized."Peaceful protests" have become an internal war zone. Who are these people? They can't be human. They are filled with so much hate and disgust. Where are there parents? How were they raised? They are a piss poor example of being an American citizen.

The black lives matter hash tag angers me. We're all Americans. We all should want the same things. All lives matter. Black, white, gay, straight, male, female. What year is this!?!? Why have we taken hundreds of steps back? Why is it that the only time this country comes together is when there is an attack against our country. We all drive down the same roads, eat at the same restaurants, shop at the same stores. Every single person in this country has the same exact right as their next door neighbor. If you don't agree then you have the freedom to find a new home.

11 OFFICERS SHOT. 5 DEAD. I shake my head with disgust. Those 11 are real people. They have families just like you and I.

There are shootings every single day. White on white. Black on black. White on black. Man on Man. Female on Female. Husband on wife. Mom on children. Every which way. Its overwhelming. And I'm tired of it.

How do I explain the ugliness to my daughter? When her bubble bursts and she grows up knowing there is so much evil in this world, how do I explain that?

Our biggest problem use to be finding a cure for cancer. Now we think twice before entering a movie theater, going to a club, enjoying a meal at a restaurant, dropping our kids off at school or going to church. Last year we attended my daughters preschool orientation. I was uneasy with the whole idea of school. Crazy, right? At the end of the orientation they asked if any of the parents had any questions. My husband raised his hand and when called on he asked if the windows and doors in the school are bulletproof. You could hear a few gasps and eyes widened with such curiosity as to why he asked the question. As silence began to build we sat and waited for the answer. "I don't know." My husband explained that he assumed they would be since it was a newer school and since today's reality should require all schools to have some sort of protection. Besides, tornado drills have now been replaced with active shooter drills- even in preschool.

Our problems just aren't with race, religion, profession. We have a list of messed up problems. I don't know what the answer is. I wouldn't know where to begin. But I do know that we are moving quickly in a downward spiral and I am scared.

It use to be America the Beautiful. Its unfortunate, but America has slowly been losing the beauty that so many other countries strive for.

My heart is broken by all of the hate. I pray for better. You should too.

Finding time to celebrate others...

When things don't go your way- you still find it in your heart to celebrate others.

My little sister is pregnant.

I know, you're probably thinking- EEK! 
You're probably thinking I lost my mind.

I didn't. Not exactly. I cried and felt sorry for myself for about an hour- but I moved on- and yes, I am genuinely happy for her.

A couple weeks ago I threw her a gender reveal party. I think people thought I would have struggled doing so, but I didn't. And here's why...

I have come to terms with the fact that we may not have another child. Well, I have come to terms with the THOUGHT that we may not have another child. That THOUGHT has become very real in my mind. I've had conversations, to myself- quite often lately. Time is ticking. It's a constant tick that I hear every second of every.single.day. The struggle is starting to lessen.

I have accepted that our future is out of my hands. It has taken me several years to come to accept this. I have accepted the fact that no matter how hard we try, pray, wish and dream- another child may not be meant to be.

Our July IVF has been pushed back.

The medical issues I have been dealing with this past year is still ongoing and my Neurologist has asked that I be patient and hold off on July. I finally have a team of doctors who might be on to something so instead of playing doctor for myself- we will hold off another month. This obviously came with a lot of disappointment, but it's important that I don't put myself or a baby at risk.

A couple days after getting the call from my Neuro- I threw my sister her reveal party. I think if it were anyone else I would be a crabby, jealous mess. But my sister has been there with me through all of the pain I've endured the past 6 years. It is only right that I celebrate the joy she shared with me when I was pregnant with Olivia.

Things haven't exactly been going my way. I could be bitter- and sometimes I am. But it feels good to jump on the happy bandwagon and go with the flow. Sometimes you have to put on your big girl pants, take a deep breath- and go about your day. I was honored to be able to do this for my sister and her husband and I hope they know how happy my family is for them.

Oh, and by the way. My nephew will be here by November 1.



Congratulations Taylor & Matt!

She's BIG now!

"I got it Mom."
"I'll do it."
"I can do it all by myself."

She's big now. She tells me everyday. How that happened so quickly is beyond me. People always tell new parents to take in every moment- that before you know it the little munchkin will be all grown up. You smile and nod your head- but you don't really buy how fast time really does fly by.

Our Olivia turned 4 this past Sunday. It's been a birthday filled month for our peanut. Lots of festivities to celebrate our big girl. We try to go above and beyond to make her feel special. I hope she's loved everything that's come her way.

I say it on my blog all of the time and I will say it again- it feels like just yesterday this child was born into this world. I've loved every moment.

Even though she tells me daily that she's a big girl- I'm simply not ready. Being a big girl comes with a sense of independence. If I could hold on to her baby years a smidge longer- I would be happy.

Happiest birthday my Olivia. I hope you know how much you're loved. I hope you know how much you complete your Daddy and I. I wish nothing but great things for you and I am honored and privileged to be your Mama.

Here is a video montage we made for her birthday. Enjoy!

https://flipagram.com/f/r1y78z0FXg

We got the green light!

Last Friday Don and I sat down with Dr. Binor to go over our options. I hadn't seen him in a year and he wanted to meet to discuss what's been going on with my health.

For those who have been following my story, you know by now that we have taken a year off from IVF. It was a hard decision to make, but one that was needed. For some odd reason, my body changed literally over night and I have been dealing with a mess of unexplained health issues. After months of meeting with doctors who thought I was depressed over infertility, I am now with a team of doctors through Northwestern who are dedicated to finding out the cause to these bizarre symptoms. Tests came back a couple months ago showing I have small fiber neuropathy- which means, nerve damage. The nerve damage explains why my body feels like it's on fire every day. The tricky part is figuring out what is causing the nerve damage and why the facial flushing. In the next couple weeks I will move forward with autonomic testing. Should Northwestern not be able to get to the bottom of this mess, I will then be sent to Mayo Clinic. My HOPE is that they are on to something and figure it out because the thought of Mayo Clinic makes me nervous and to be frank- I don't have time for that.

The good news is that I have been cleared to move forward with my next IVF treatment. The iffy news is that, should I get pregnant, we're not sure how my body will feel. Will the burning increase? God, I hope not. Will the flushing increase? Who knows. Will the weakness increase? No one knows.

I have opted to not take the neuropathy medication at this time. You can't be pregnant and be on those type of medications. It needs to be out my body in order to move forward so I stopped taking Lyrica a month ago. It wasn't working anyway,

As soon as I got the green light I called Dr. Binor who thought it would be best to sit and talk about our options.

It was so nice seeing him. Expanding our family has been put on hold and for a couple that tried for 2 straight years, the wait was sometimes hard to deal with.

Dr. Binor's thought is that I may be dealing with Lupus. Did I forget to mention that over the past year I've been tested for Lupus about 8 or 9 times? Tests come back with a slight positive, but not high enough to be officially diagnosed. Lupus is a tricky, tricky disease to diagnose and doctors have been hesitant to make it official. Even though some symptoms point to Lupus, the major symptoms do not. Dr. Binor will be put me on Prednisone when I start the next round. If it starts making me feel better we may be a step closer to a diagnosis. The only thing is that if I do get pregnant, he will have to wean me off the medication so I will really only be on it for a short time.

Dr. Binor is on board with moving forward with another round. I was nervous he wouldn't be since I'm not 100%, but he reviewed the novel of test results from the past year and seems confident that Baby #2 is in our future. We didn't agree on fresh vs. frozen, but I will follow his advice and not pretend to play doctor. As stubborn as I sometimes tend to be, I have faith in this man and that is what matters most.

We have several viable frozen embryos. Dr. Binor wants to use the frozen while I want to do a fresh cycle. Depending on who you talk to and what you read, the success rate for a fresh cycle is slightly higher. I am biased because I got pregnant with Olivia on our first try- which was obviously a fresh cycle. Dr. Binor doesn't like "banking" embryos. They are technically little souls and most people discard their embryos once they have children. He also has zero concern over the quality of our embryos. The Embryologist grades your embryos and fortunately Don and I create textbook perfect embryos. Don tends to take the credit for that :)  I understand where Dr. B is coming from, but at the same time I'm getting older, Olivia is getting older and I have no time to spare. I also have to put an end to this long drawn out journey of ours.

Over the next month I will go in periodically so he can monitor my cycle. This will give him an idea as to ovulation, hormone levels, cervical lining progression, etc. I decided to hold off on a June IVF. Olivia turns 4 in June and I want to focus on her and her birthday. I also want to complete the autonomic testing and figure out next steps with my Northwestern doctors. The IVF transfer will be in July which means I start meds in June.

If we don't get pregnant this year, I am fairly confident that we will decide to walk away. It pains me to think of the possibility, but how long do you put up with disappointment and heartache before you've had enough? Unless you've gone through infertility you have no clue how mentally and emotionally draining the process is. I've cried- a lot. My heart has been hurt over and over and over again. My husband has been through the ringer. Our family has hurt along side of us. It's a very painful process and if it doesn't happen this year then we will move forward, as a family of 3. I'm not giving up, not now- but I know the decision we will need to make should this not go in our favor.

Driving to our appointment Olivia asked if she could have a baby sister. She's been asking a bunch of questions about Taylor (my sister) being pregnant and sure enough she is now asking for a baby of her own. I thought it was kind of funny that she asked while on our way to the consultation. Of course I teared up a bit, but mostly because I would love to fulfill her wish- unfortunately it's not in my hands. She asked me how we go about getting a baby sister and my response was simple.

"You have to pray to God and ask for a sister. Every night, pray as hard as you can and maybe we will be lucky enough to have a baby sister."

God, I hope you answer this little girls prayers. She is so deserving.

I am much, much more

I am more than 1 in 8.
I am much more than 1 in 8.

I am a fighter. A survivor. A mother.

I have been through hell and back- yet I stand tall. My journey to becoming a mother has been heartbreaking and tragic. I have been failed by my body time and time again.

I stay determined.

I have been pitied.
I have been judged.
I have been talked about.
I have received opinions I never asked for.

It's made me stronger.

Day in and day out I wonder if I will ever have another child. I sit in the back at church and ask Him if he's listening. I ask what I've done wrong. I've looked for signs, begged for signs.

I tell Him I'm not giving up.

I have lost count in the amount of IVF attempts. I have lost count in the number of embryos we have frozen. I have lost count in the amount of injections, pills, blood draws.

I am eager to keep going.

To date, I have lost 5 innocent souls. 2 miscarriages and 3 selective terminations. Each loss has brought me to my knees. Each loss has rocked my faith. Each loss has brought heartache, anger and confusion.

Each loss has taken a piece of my heart.

IVF works. I know it does. Just when I think I've given up, I look at my Olivia's face every day and she reminds me. As hard as it gets, I want her to see how strong her Mom is.

I want to be her hero just like she's mine.

Infertility the second time around is harder than the first (in my opinion). The pressure to give my daughter a sibling and to complete my family often feels like an uphill battle. It breaks my heart.

Infertility is brutal. The struggle is real and unless you’ve gone through it you will never fully understand it. Infertility has changed my life. Infertility has changed my family's life.

But infertility doesn’t define me. Being a Mom defines me. Being a strong woman defines me.

1 in 8 couples have trouble getting pregnant or sustaining a pregnancy. It's a fact.

I am much, much more than 1 in 8.